Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, Affairs OW continued

Link to last thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2932184#Post2932184

A bit of recap. Married 8 years, dated 4 years prior, 1 son 3 years old and currently pregnant.
H admitted PA about 10 months ago, and tried to make it work for 2 months before he left because he wanted to be with AP. H ended up living with OW. Found out I was pregnant and he came back 3 months after. After 3 months of 'reconciling' and 'recommitting' H said he could not forget the OW and want to live with her.
OW went crazy over an instagram post I made and we went through 1 month with no contact. After that H came to help out but still living with OW.
Now he is mostly ok about helping out to pick up and drop off son and does visits one day on the weekend when I spend time with my friends.
H was recently covid positive when he is at our home staying with our son and therefore needs to isolate for 7 days and I had the Obgyn's orders to stay away from them, so I have been staying at a friend's.
H was furious though, as he wants (or have been told to) stay with OW. He texted and said "you do realise that it is going to mean it is very unlikely I will ever be allowed to help with anything again ever?"
He has not contacted me since then and I have not heard about my son either. I'm a little worried about what is happening with my son, but I do realise it is partly the need to control the situation from me, but I'm unsure whether I should check if my son is ok with him.
Help! Need advice, please.

True. And I think, AnnKay, while I understand you wanting to facilitate him bonding with his new baby, you need to look after yourself first. Let OW worry about him and his depression. Turn to friends and family for help, and get ALL the help you need - but from people other than H. Don’t rely on H for ANYTHING.

You really need someone to stay with you the first few weeks, someone who can cook and do laundry and entertain your 3 year old. Set things up so that you are well taken care of without needing H for anything.

Studies release last week show that pregnant women have twice the chance of a breakthrough Covid case, and we already know that pregnant women are at higher risk of serious disease from Covid. Stick to your guns. And don't trust your H to say son has tested negative.

Also - is there a way your attorney can search for other accounts in your H's name? If he was making that much more than you, where did all the money go? I wouldn't be surprised if he has a secret account.

I think your mom is EXACTLY right AnnKay. (((HUGS)))

You know Ann, some things add value and happiness and enrichment to our lives … and some things keep taking it away. “Detachment” all boils down to deciding where you want to invest.

Your Mum is right.

Usually those that invest in people are the most disappointed when those people show their true colors. I have examples of that in my own life.

Steve, I found various polls and estimates on what percent of employees steal, which seems to vary based on sector and type of theft (e.g., food vs. cash). The California Restuarant Association estimates 75%, the American Polygraph Association estimates 50%, the FBI estimates 70%, and the Justice Department estimates 30%. Us "Never Steal" types ARE a minority.

AnnKay, it wasn't necessarily me as much as it was witnessing other people invest in others, and then be severely disappointed. I have a relative that had a very troubled H. I saw his true colors very early on, but others did not and got burned by loaning him money or getting him jobs (which he would eventually flake out on and stop showing up).

As far as trusting people, I am one of those that prescribes to trust being something that is earned. I do not bestow trust on others blindly, or without seeing if I can trust them. Unfortunately, most people are not trustworthy. And trusting people too quickly, or without seeing if they are trustworthy, is a recipe for getting burned.

When I worked in retail years (decades) ago, we were taught a simple truth: 15% of people will never steal no matter what. 15% of people will always steal, no matter what. 70% of people will steal if given the right opportunity to do so, and if they think they can get away with it.

This goes to show that 85% of people are basically untrustworthy. The numbers can be argued, but the principle cannot be. The fact is that unfortunately we live in a world where you cannot trust MOST people. I can count on one hand the number of people I've met in life that I can truly trust.

GAL is always a good idea! I am 4 years into Ring and piecing and I continue to GAL! Spouses with lives are much more attractive than those that have no life.

Thanks, SteveLW! I realise that I have sacrificed, or rather diminished my social life greatly for our 'family time.' I was too accommodating and too eager to please. GAL actually reconnected me with my friends and made me realise how lucky I am to have them. Most of the times I was even able to take my son too.

(Of course, the other approach is simply to say you're not interested in reconciling at this point but you will stay his friend and help him if he needs it. I would also alert his family to your concerns about his mental health. )

Hope you're doing ok AnnKay and not too uncomfortable in these last weeks of pregnancy. Spend a lot of time with your friends and family around you. Get rested up.

One thing I did during a hard time in my R with my ex, was put index cards in my pocket with sayings that were reminders. If it got too overwhelming, I would excuse myself to the bathroom and pull the index card out and read it. Like little notes to myself. Silly but it helped.

My suggestion would be to find books about how you move forward. Leave the psychology of STBXH behind. Lots of LBSs obsess about the shortcomings of the WAS and it really is a bit misguided in my opinion. My reading was almost exclusively how to be a better person and husband rather than trying to figure out my WW. Of course, for perspective, this was my second go around, the first situation in my MR I was more focused on her than I should have been. Probably in the 2nd too! But much much less so.

AnnKay,
H: "I'm very depressed and find it hard to get out of bed."
You: "That most be very difficult."

I doubt there's a LBS here who didn't wish karma on their WS at one point.

I wouldn't engage here. He's decided that's not your responsibility anymore. Don't tell him what to do.

No.

OK.

It's not. And don't tell him what to do.

Correct. It's certainly not.

That's speculation. Try to focus on yourself and your children instead of what H and AP think and feel.

Your friend is right.

If you legitimately think it's an issue of safety for your son then consider action, but not if it's jumping in to save H from himself.

Agreed. Good advice.

Excellent. Glad you have support. A newborn and a toddler are tough enough for two parents. Lean on them for help!

AnnKay,
Wow, that's a big update. I think you did the right thing saying "we will talk about this when I get back." This forum has a lot of examples of false recons and WAS/WSs jumping back and forth. I'm sure a lot of folks will remind you to make him earn it, if you even choose to entertain the idea.

I agree w/everything SteveLW say above. It's great advice.

In addition, you should give some serious consideration as to if he really is serious whether you actually want to allow him back or not. I'm pro-marriage and believe people should do everything they can to make it work but the fact your H was/is having an affair while you're pregnant with his child is a MAJOR red flag for the future and he would have to do SIGNIFICANT on-going amount of work throughout the rest of your relationship.

That's good. You know you'll be alright either way, which is ideal.

Good. You deserve more than a partner who's having an affair while you're pregnant with his baby. That's the bare minimum requirement for a healthy relationship.

That's a valid question. You should really ponder it, if H is really serious (which is a big IF).

Good.

Agreed.

It's a great idea. GAL'ing is about going out, having fun, enjoying life. Why would that be bad?

AK, I think you are very wise to tread lightly here. A lot of WASs, once they feel they are losing the LBS (usually because the LBS accepts the separation and D) will "talk" about Ring, coming back, etc. So the key is for you to figure out what R looks like to you! Have parameters, do not let him waltz right back.

- IC for him.
- Continue IC for you.
- Once he is in IC and things are going in the right direction MC for you both.

I am also a big proponent of a no contact letter to the AP, that you read and approve of before he sends it. And full transparency from him for now. That means you know where he is at all times (there are phone apps that can help with this). His phone is unlocked 24/7 (or you know the passcode). You know the PWs to all of his account, email, social media, etc.

The way you test how serious he is, is by putting obstacles in his way to return. WAS that REALLY want to come back will go over an obstacle to do so. LBS that fear putting requirements in place because it might make the WAS not come back are thinking about Ring and piecing all wrong. Too easy a path back will set you up for another future BD.

I had 3 kids aged 10-15 and felt like I was doing it for them and me. I found this site and DB’d the heck out of my marriage. We actually had several good years after. But years later my kids told me they were always anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m not sure I did them any favors.

Since my divorce I’ve learned my ex was a narcissist. And many things that I naively ignored I now see were probably other flirtations at least, if not outright affairs.

One example, from years before his second affair: we were casual friends with his surf buddy and his wife. One day we were invited to their house for dinner, and the husband was showing me his paintings in the garage. Days later, he calls me to inform me that while we were out there, my H made a pass at his wife.

I was in such denial! I believed everything my H told me and made up a few excuses of my own! She wasn’t his type, he was just a misunderstood overly friendly extrovert, the husband was a jealous Latin type .. OMG, so embarrassing now! Now I’m sure he DID make some pass at her. And there’s a long list of other things that I question now.

I think, once they have stepped outside the marriage once. For many cheaters, that door is always open a bit. It is always a possibility in their minds.

I do think it was a little quick to have him move back in. Especially if he is still going to be involved with the OW. Please remember that you should not be engaging in sexual activity with him until 100% sure without a shred of a doubt that he is BOTH not involved with OW any longer AND that he is disease free. Yes this means he must go get tested for STDs. Again, another requirement.

I get that living a part is expensive. However, I have seen a lot of situations on here and I can universally say that decisions in these situations based on money rarely, if ever, work out. Do not make decisions based on money. Do what is best for you, your son and your unborn child.

Personally, I would have liked for you to give it some time so you could be sure the A was over. This is why we suggest running big decisions by the board BEFORE making them to get different perspectives. LBSs,and LBWs in particular, are a little too quick to take a cheating spouse back just because he says the right things. There is one poster on here that continues to struggle because she puts her WAHs words over his actions. And even some of his less important actions over the big actions, like the fact that he lives with another woman. Learn from the mistakes of others!