Well, The divorce is final and I guess I kind of feel like this whole thing is done. I'm working through all the payments. I still need to get the support payments done through the county and get the QDRO's done - but everything else has been split.
Dating has continued to be fun, with ups and downs. I guess that is the new norm.
I'm taking my daughter snowboarding, just the two of us this weekend which will be awesome. But that's about all.
A great book to read to think through some post divorce life purposing is Die With Zero. I just got it from a friend and found it to be provocative and thoughtful.
So 5 weeks ago I took my kids to Park City for a 4 day snowboard trip. I had an awesome time with them. We got back and went to our local hill the next weekend and my daughter had improved ridiculously from being out west. I decided I really wanted to go back and though it was a little expensive I decided to just do it.
So I asked my ex if I could take my daughter back to Utah, which was using her time and taking her out of school for one day - she reluctantly said ok.
So I got to spend three days skiing Solitude, Brighton, and Snowbird with just myself and my little girl. It was unbelievable and something she will remember forever.
I did have to ask my ex if I could take her but besides that there was no judgement related to how I was spending my time or money. No one questioned how I handled meals or packing up. My rule is if you forget it, buy it. We had the most amazing time.
Strong reco on the book Die with Zero from Bill Perkins. Very interesting read. Peace Folks!
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
THIS!
I have often said (sometimes controversially) that D is the easy way out. The WAS/WS jumps to D because it is easier than working on the marriage. I believe it is a coward's way out, and thinking an AP can "make them happy" is also a cowardly, deficiency in thinking. I think Scott's wife is an example of that, as are many WASs/WSs.
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
Scott, it's great to hear about your kayaking and climbing adventures. I'm a kayaker and mountaineer at heart so can totally relate. Glad you're living your adventure!
It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled.
Yo B come on now other than the "wasted banana" I think Scotty is over doing it.
I don't know. I wouldn't want my 13yo wearing shirts with beer, pot, or condoms on them, or gifted a manscaping trimmer. Overall the loss of control of the morals and values for your kids is a tough pill to swallow. But, like so much, it's something we have to let go.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer".
Scotty B was married to this woman for 20 years and was fine wither her moral fiber than. Do you think it changed that much?
That I can't answer. My kids were 4 & 1 when ExW left, so I didn't see much about her character or values as a mother, but we did disagree on nutrition and screen time. Doesn't seem like my ExW turned on a dime parenting-wise. If ScottB has 20 years together / 14 as mother, he'd know the difference.
SteveLW,
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Scott, I have no answers for you. But I empathize with you. Our kids grow up so fast and are sexualized younger and younger these days. I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
Agreed. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned even at my relatively "young" age.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Unfortunately, again, I think it is out of your control. Likely she is feeling guilty at ruining the kids lives (not really true but many WASs end up with that guilt), and now she is trying to be buddies with them.
Yep. You would not believe the number of stuffed animals my ExW has bought for the kids in the last two years. It's past the point of ridiculousness where we literally have moving boxes of them in the basement. My guess is there's some guilt over the kids situation behind those purchases. Analogous to the "cool" alcohol/pot/condom shirts - being a friend and assuaging guilt vs. hard parental stand.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am guess your email went (or will) go over like a lead balloon. You made your position known, but I highly doubt she will honor your wishes. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. Likely she will use it as a way to drive a wedge and make herself look better.
I agree the email will likely go over like a lead balloon but also don't think it's wrong to send - if you're standing up for what you believe is right for your children I think it's fair as a father to weigh in, just know you ultimately can't control it.
Kind of wild to think the last time I post it was in September.
The anniversary of my divorce coming up this week. I can be a little bit sentimental about dates, and I’m not sure how I feel about this one yet.
I am doing really really good. I don’t long for my ex-wife at all. I feel so blessed and fortunate that she left, to be honest. Literally, every part of my life is better. And as I looked at the future, I see a better future than I would’ve had also.
I’m sure between here and there I’ll have moments that will be tough, but I’ll never look back with regrets and I think in my heart of hearts I’ll always recognize this. Divorce was actually the best outcome for me.
I feel harbor, some anger and resentment, and I don’t think that will ever completely go away, but we’ll see in time
I can’t seem to be doing really well, which is good. Because of the divorce I’ve had the freedom to take them on some unbelievable adventures that we would not have gotten to do otherwise.
And I’ve gotten to go on some unbelievable adventures that I would not have gotten to do otherwise, I’m dating someone and we’ve gone on a couple of trips together which event incredible.
Are all of those people here that are fighting for their marriage, keep up the good fight, but don’t let them abuse you or walk all over you; work to keep or regain your self-respect. Do the work, and learning about yourself, improving yourself, because, regardless of where things go, do you want to come out of this better for you.
