Dink, I know you won't like hear this, but it has to be sad. This is less about you than you think it is. We see it all the time. WAS/WSs that meet someone new and then the next thing you know they are bringing up all of the old stuff they just cannot get past. Even though they had been past it unitl they met their AP. I've seen this behavior with friends and family too. And I experienced it with my own WW back 4 years ago.
LBSs actually deep down WANT it to be about them Then they think there is a chance they can fix it. "If they'd give me another chance I can be perfect and show them how much better off they'd be with me!"
Another truth you have to face, is that women want a man as a partner. Not a doormat. Not someone that is willing to give up everything else they care about for them. Oh, they don't come out and say that, but a guy that never does anything by himself, is willing to go $1000s of dollars into debt for her, and lives to try to make her happy becomes unattractive to them over time. I once knew a D'd woman who said that one of her big complaints about her Ex-H is that he never ever disagreed with her. So while we might think a woman would love a man that agrees with every word she utters, in truth it makes a man look weak and unattractive. As much as our society doesn't like to admit it, you cannot defeat biology! And there are a lot of biological factors that come into play as to why women find things attractive or unattractive.
Some around here have repeated a saying, and I think it especially applies in your situation. You will never look more attractive to her than when you are walking away. And I do not mean walking away from her because SHE wants you to, but walking away from her because you are standing up for yourself! This is why we have tried to get you to stop being so awfully available to her. She is getting her cake and eating too. She gets to go off and do who knows what with her AP, and then still call and text you to be her "husband". You have to show her that you are NOT her husband anymore.
This is why I highly suggested just telling the kids yourself, and not waiting for her or waiting to talk to her about "how". Take the bull by the horns. And do it. You have cowtowed and walked on eggshells around her long enough, and where did that get you? Well, it got you to where you are. It is time to start living for Dink. For standing up for Dink. For figuring out what Dink wants in life and going out and achieving it. You were absent for 9 years. Then you were omnipresent for 5 years. Extremes rarely ever work! You need to go out and GAL, and if she decides to come back, and you are open to it, understand that GAL continues even after reconciliation! No more putting your life on hold for her. The most healthy relationships are two whole, fulfilled, healthy individuals coming together as a couple. Imagine if when you first started dating her you had no life, and your quickly just were on the hook for her every beck and call? She would have run the other way fast.
There were times in my life when I was absent in my own MR. Then the temptation after each of my wife's EA was to become Stepford Husband. What I learned is that she didn't want that. Sure she wanted me present, but she didn't want me omnipresent. So after our sitch 4 years ago I went out and GAL. And then after reconciliation I continued to keep that life. I am hanging out with a friend tomorrow night. I am going to the gun range with a friend Friday night. Having a spouse that has a life is much more fulfilling than having spouse that is just always there. There has to be a balance!
And finally, if she were to come back now, I would hope that you would have requirements for that to occur. Based on what you have told us she has some serious social, and maybe even mental, issues that she has to address. I would not even consider reconciling with her until she were in counseling. And I would highly suggest the same for yourself. You have been through trauma, and trauma requires IC to navigate. And then once she was in IC for a while (and you as well) I would require MC as a requirement for reconciliation.
Now I know you might think that having requirements would mean that she will never reconcile. And that is not a bad thing. WAS that want to reconcile will be willing to jump through hoops to do so! Those that are only coming back to spare feelings of their LBS, kids or because the AP ended things will not. But if you let her come back without requirements you will be right back here in 1-3 years. Learn from your mistake of the last time, and do not just let her waltz right back in.
Sorry for the novel. But this is more about her than it is about you, and you need to realize that because you cannot fix this. Only she can!
Ah yes. The abuse card. Almost every WW plays it. "You mentally abused me." "You emotionally abused me." "You verbally abused me." One time you bumped into her "You physically abused me!"
Dink, take the focus off of her. Focus on yourself. She's got a lot of issues she needs to deal with. You're 100% right that a new dude ain't gonna fix her. But she'll have to learn that the hard way.
So my one son who 27 and when I told last Saturday we were getting a divorce and is the one who took it hardest last time just called me about a half hour ago. His mom finally made it out to his house tonight to talk to him and his wife. It doesn’t sound like it went real well. When he called me he said
His mom was there like 5 hours. He said hey dad she was being really nice about you saying what a great guy you are and how great a dad you are and how she loves you, and he said I asked her why are you want to get a divorce then? He then said Because when I talked to dad he was saying nice thing about you as well. Then he said he told his mom he was mad at her, he said to her because i feel dad tried really hard, and he said she said he did, And it sounds like she brought up those years and said she just still hasn’t been able to totally get past that and make her selF whole again, And she mentioned since we have been separated about feeling better overall. She also mention to him about me having a hard time communicating at time in the marriage. He the said I don't care which one of you find someone else first im telling you right now im going to have a problem with it.
He said I told her dads a really good dude and really changed and takes good care of you, so I just don't really understand . And he said yes that is true, but again it sounds like she responded about those years and it was like it went in a. If Lee a little. He then said the started talking about his grandpa (his mothers dad) who passed about. 6 months ago, and the both started crying and I think from what he was telling me the night kinda went in circles.
I knew going in that he would have the problems with all of this, he is the one who said to her sister if you know about any funny business going on you better tell me. I'm actually surprised she didn't call me on her way home from leaving his house, but even if she did there is nothing I could of done about it.
I know my wife is currently in a active affair, and I know probably a lot of guilt was eating at her when talking to him . But it was her decision to be in an affair, and started the affair before ever mentioning this time she wanted a divorce. and because of what she is currently doing, that is on her to figure out with him.
But as I said earlier If this is truly what's she wants, I knew I had to let her go and not try to talk her into staying like last time. I know that i have not try to get her stay this time. As far as what she is currently doing though and what my sons my feel and what he maybe be thinking and saying to her that is something she has to workout with herself And my son.
This is all a waste of time.
Have you been exercising? Been to IC yet? What do you have planned for the weekend? Why don’t you go for a long hike outside the city, and then go out to a pizza bar on your way home? What are your mates up to? Any good movies on atm? Do you have a bike to do some riding?
