Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Need advice please

My wife last week told me she wanted a divorce. About three years ago she said the same thing and move to a apartment for about four months. I of course was a mess and pursued her and did what ever I could to win her back. I had a affair about 13 years prior and never told a single person about it. The down side to this was that I was consumed by guilt for what I did. Then shortly after the affair ended my only brother passed away and then shortly after that my dad passed away. For like 8 years I was total detached with the marriage for the most part because of my guilt and grieving from the two deaths. She even warned me at times if something didn’t change something bad was going to happen, well it did/ she had a affair, this was in 2017. I found out and she told me she didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. At this time I still had never told her about my affair but she said that I have neglected her to long and she knows that I had to have had a affair because I was so distant for years and she ask me many time and I always denied it. After I found out about her affair she again asked for the truth and I finally admitted to her about my affair. She lost it and things were bad. She stayed for a while after I found out about her affair and after finally coming clean about mine. After a while though she said she didn’t love me anymore because of the past 9 years being so emotionally void. When she moved to the apartment I was a mess, worse I have ever been in my life. I did everything wrong and she was still talking with other guy. I even offered buying a little house on a lake because she always wanted that and loved being by water. we ended up getting back together and we bought the lake house, while still having our other house. I inherited some money after my dad passed and used it to buy the lake house thinking it Would help us reconnect and work on our marriage. Now three years later she is asking for a divorce again stating she can’t get pass the past. She said she has forgiven me for the affair but can not get pass the 9 years of feeling like she did it changed her heart. The last 3 years she said she has love for me again and stated I have become the husband she always wanted now over the three years, she just can't get past these feeling from those years, it has left a hole in her heart. She said she decide to come back originally because I said i wouldn't be able to be friends with her and do stuff as family originally and she said that scared her, because I am her best friend and couldn't picture me not in her life. We have three kids 30, 27, 25 and a recent new 1st grandchild .
Also in the last 5 months her dad has passed away, and her mother had to have heart surgery, so a lot of emotional stuff going on lately. I'm at a lost of what to do if anything.

Dink, there is a famous line from the Bon Jovi song "I'll Be There For You". It goes, "I can promise you tomorrow, but I can't buy back yesterday." There is absolutely no way you can no anything about the past. What I don't understand is why you're continuing to have these discussions with her. Remember, the first rule is DBing is never start relationship talks. And if she does you listen and validate, and be the one to end the conversation. "I have things I need to go do." Then walk away.

I've never heard of a LBS discussing their way out of their WAS wanting a divorce.

I've asked before, have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? You are going to have to change your dynamic with her to have a chance at turning this around. But please stop discussing things with her. She keeps saying she can't get over the past, she certainly isn't going to if you keep discussing it with her.

Dink,

Not sure I understand considering what you wrote in your opening post on the thread:

You explicitly said there was another man. Are you saying that ended and you don't believe there is another man now? Considering the history between you two and timing of the latest BD I wouldn't discount another man, and it's perhaps even likely the same man got back in touch. I'd be very curious the answer to LH's question regarding her phone.

What was your response?

Her words mean nothing. WAS will rewrite history and provide justifications for their actions that are convenient to them. There is a good possibility that this may be the reason but again there is a good possibility it is not. Even if this was the case, 5 years is a long time to act on it unless there are other factors that reopened old wounds.

Whatever the case, this is in the past and cannot be changed now. Don't focus on her reasons. If there is something you can do to change and become a better person, focus on that instead.

Dink I would wait until one of you are moving out before you tell the kids.

I'd just tell them. No need to coordinate that with her. Just my opinion.

Dink, I am going to speak frank here, so if you are not up for some frankness then just skip this post.

You are not DBing. You came to a forum called Divorce Busting, where we gave you advice related to how to handle this kind of thing. Instead you went on pure emotion, instinct and what comes natural to LBSs. I can assure you that emotion, instinct and what comes natural will get you to D faster than anything else.

You sent a short message saying that there was another man and you were done. Then you send a long message about confronting her, following her, and tracking her with your Ring doorbell. (Sorry, I was where you are at one point, but whether an animal tripped it or not, you looked for her vehicle.)

You broke so many DBing rules in how you handled this. First, you had an R talk with her. Then you used her comment about "better to not be here" (a very common statement by WWs by the way) as an excuse to go spend the night with her. Then you tracked her to OM's place, and confronted her. (Another 2x4, sitting out front blowing your horn? Really?) Then you committed the biggest mistake by point out to her all of the changes you made. You realize that when you do that, point to your changes, it immediately makes a WS believe that you are only doing that to manipulate them BACK to the marriage, right? "Look how good I have become!" They hear "I am changing just to get you back, and once you are back I will revert back to the way I was!"

WWs always always always justifiy their actions with the OM by saying "I told you I wanted a D." Or "From my perspective the marriage was/is already over." Or some variation thereof. That is why confronting, begging, pleading, using logic, etc rarely ever works. They fall back to the stance of "the marriage is over, I can do whatever I want". Better to NOT confront, beg, plead, use logic etc. The better tact to have taken would have been to drive by, confirm your suspicions by seeing her car. And going home. Next time she reached out you could say "I know what is really going on."

Then no matter how hard she presses you do not tell her WHAT you know, or HOW you know it. Only that you know. Then you go out and live your best life! GAL like a madman. Continue to cement your changes to the best version of yourself by BEING that person all the time, and getting into IC to hold yourself accountable. And detaching from her emotionally. Reread cadet's/job's first response and learn what that looks like.

You HAVE to change your dynamic with her in order to have any shot at getting her to change her mind. In fact, the best way to get her to change her mind is to fully embrace her desire to D. As the saying goes, you will never look more attractive to her as you will be walking away. Maybe you do not want to reconcile anymore after this? That is up to you. If that is the case, ignore this entire post. But I will say, that the actions you took in your last post sure indicate that you want to fight for her.

Finally, STOP talking. If you take no other advice please consider taking the advice to stop talking to her about all of this. A) you cannot believe a word she says B) the more you talk the more you break DBing rules C) no one has ever talked their way out of what they've acted their way into. Talk is cheap. Take action (preferably the ones I've laid out above) and stop trying to change her mind with words because it is not, and never will, work to convince her that she is in the wrong.

Dink, finally, I know this is tough. I get it. Everyone on this board has been where you have been to some degree or another. But it is always better to THINK about your actions before taking them. If it helps, post here BEFORE acting, and get this feedback first. A card laid is a card played in this game, you cannot undo what you've already done. Better to hear first what to expect rather than learn the hard way.

Oh, and one last thing I just remembered. The other reason confronting the way you did is a bad idea is because WWs have a tendency to make things seem worse than they were. She is already accusing you (false as it may be) of mental abuse. Do not give her the ammo to make even bigger false accusations. This forum has seen WWs that were more than willing to accuse an innocent LBH of physical abuse. Do not dismiss this as impossible, it certainly could get to that point for her to justify her actions. "I went to OM's house because I was scared about what your father might do to me while I was alone!" It becomes a he said-she said proposition at that point. So be careful.

Hi Dink,

I am so sorry you are going through this. The immense pain, the uncertainty and the turbulence of the hellish rollercoaster of the process is one the forum knows well and its painful knowing you are living it. I'm not the best to give advice of the process, so I won't at the moment. I broke rules left and right. I am here to say I feel you, brother; and if you want to come out of this intact and better than you started then the wise advice of the veterans here is your ticket.

You've heard this before - you will get through this. It's almost impossible to feel that right now or believe it but it is the truth and the reality. How well you get through this and how well you take care of Dink, is up to you. Vent here, drop your emotions here, to have more peace and clarity of thinking there.

Hi Dink,
You definitely need a lawyer this time around. Just reading through your sitch, I do think it’s clear you are in panic fog, and that’s ok, most are.

Your children are grown, I’m not sure telling them should be a priority. I mean you definitely need to at some point, but there are more pressing needs imo.

You need to protect your assets right now. She’s going to be all over the place for a while. What she says today has no barring on tomorrow.

You really need to drop the rope, focus on yourself. Focus on your mental and physical health. Focus on getting a life and being the best version of yourself you can be. Controlled confidence is a very attractive trait, and that peaks the interest of most people, including spouses that are pushing away. But it can’t be fake, or manipulative.

I also think you are show signs of control issues. You can’t control was she says or does, and it’s not your place too. Right here, right now, in this moment, imo, you believe you are married, the law agrees with you, but your spouse for all intent and purpose does not.

I wish you good luck. This will not be a quick fix, and if it is all of a sudden you’ll be back here before you know it. Unfortunately there are not short cuts and you will have to walk this road one way or another. You may as well walk it on your terms, not hers. And believe it or not, when you get there, when you are happy and unconcerned about her, 9 times out of 10, you’ll see her poke her head around the corner to find out why you are so happy.

I’m sorry Dink, but I need to be blunt.

Your big argument was, amongst other things, because you manipulated her. You wanted to see her again (your words, not mine) and so that’s why you didn’t tell her what it was you had for her. She came and got pissed off because she felt manipulated into coming to see you (which is entirely what happened).

I’m not going to tell you what you should have done instead. Or what you could have said differently, because you shouldn’t be saying anything at all.

The last few posters told you that you should be drawing a hard line on communication and strictly limiting it. That’s because if you don’t, this stuff happens and makes things even worse.

I know the emotional part of you still wants to see her/be around her. I get it. We ALL get it. How do you just switch off how you feel?

But the answer to that is simply that if you don’t take the hard steps to go silent and limit all conversation, you’re only hurting yourself even more.

I know it’s hard - but the advice on this forum and from the veterans is right and should be heeded. If you choose to ignore it, you’ll be back here again and again saying “I stuffed up.”

What are YOU doing to keep busy? Exercise? Hobbies? Socialisation? Now is the time to focus 0% on her and 100% on you.