Reading an interesting article today about some research into online dating. (Online dating is now the second most frequent way heterosexual people meet their mates, and I would bet that if you stratified by age, it's probably the number one way that people over 40 meet.)The research shows two interesting things. One is that interracial dating increased significantly with the intro of online dating, beyond what would be expected by previous trends and changing demographics. That doesn't surprise me. What did surprise me is evidence that marriages that started with online dating have lower rates of breakups. So for all you naysayers about online dating, I think that research is pretty reassuring. Here's an excerpt:
"Meanwhile, research into the strength of marriage has found some evidence that married couples who meet online have lower rates of marital breakup than those who meet traditionally. That has the potential to significantly benefit society. And it’s exactly what Ortega and Hergovich’s model predicts.
Of course, there are other factors that could contribute to the increase in interracial marriage. One is that the trend is the result of a reduction in the percentage of Americans who are white. If marriages were random, this should increase the number of interracial marriages, but not by the observed amount. “The change in the population composition in the U.S. cannot explain the huge increase in intermarriage that we observe,” say Ortega and Hergovich.
That leaves online dating as the main driver of this change. And if that’s the case, the model implies that this change is ongoing.
That’s a profound revelation. These changes are set to continue, and to benefit society as result. "
As for my thread title, I'm continuing the process of purging things from my house, and feeling lighter with every load that goes to the Goodwill or every item given away on my local Buy Nothing group.
I'm also talking to my adult kids about maybe planning a long weekend trip somewhere local in a few months - someplace everyone can drive to. We haven't taken a family vacation since the divorce. There are a variety of destinations within easy driving distance, mountains, beaches, desert, cities - its mostly a matter of meeting certain restrictions and getting everyone to agree on a place. (Restrictions include the place must allow small dogs, and must have good mattresses for my son with Ehlers Danlos. Any hiking would have to be easy for that son, or at least have an easy option. I'd be happy just to lounge by a pool at a resort, but if we go that route, there needs to be other things to do nearby. ) It might be difficult to get all 3 to agree on the same kind of place, but I'll send out feelers.
Wow. Just - WOW. Y'all have powerful prayers! Ya must have some kind of direct line to the almighty because my friend's husband's CT scan today was - CLEAR!!! What the radiologist read as an almost 4 cm new nodule on his chest xray was - nothing! An illusion!!! PHEW!
All there was was a little tiny bit of mucus plugging in one spot. We're thinking now that maybe his profuse nightsweats for the past 2 months might just be due to a little atelectasis?
"If you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want gardens, become the gardener. If you want love, embody love. If you want mental stimulation, change the conversation. If you want peace, exude calmness. If you want to fill your world with artists, begin to paint. If you want to be valued, respect your own time. If you want to live ecstatically, find the ecstasy within yourself. This is how to draw it in, day by day, inch by inch." Victoria Erickson (no idea who that is, the quote was attributed to her).
Made a new cake yesterday - a recipe that I found a while ago that sounded like something my oldest would love. I finally promised I would make it this weekend, and my middle son happened to be coming down. It’s called Hawaiian Guava cake. And it was a HIT! They couldn’t stop raving about it!
Most recipes I’ve seen online are similar, so just Google them. A sheet cake - strawberry or yellow or white. Then a layer of frosting made from sugar, cream cheese and cool whip (I’m sure you could use real homemade whipped cream, I just was following the recipe this first time). . Then a layer of guava gel on top. SO good! Definitely something we will be making again for special occasions.
My best new discovery is my local Buy Nothing group on FB. It's a great way to find appropriate homes for things that you no longer need but that aren't items that are really appropriate for the goodwill. (Example - half a case of Ensure). It would also be a great way for someone of limited means to find furniture, household items etc. for free. (Note: It would be really DANGEROUS for hoarders or shopaholics though!) I have several items I will be giving away this weekend. Every time I get more stuff out of my house I feel lighter. Wish I could just take a month off and devote my self to working on my house and on various errands! Still I'm chipping away most weekends at my long to do list. We Americans have SO much excess stuff, especially here in the suburbs.
When I started by purging my closet at the start of the pandemic, it really put me into a mindset. I think the grand total of new purchases I've made since (besides books, cleaning tools and things that get used up) were one pair of running shoes, one blouse, some running shorts and leggings on a screaming Costco deal, and some undies. I look at every new purchase as potential clutter and try to get rid of at least an equivalent amount of stuff if I buy something.
My sister is involved in doing the same at her home in another state. Every load of stuff that leaves the house leaves us feeling a little lighter. And with every nook or cranny that gets purged and organized, I feel a little lighter emotionally too. Next up is the rest of my garage. But this weekend I'm not sure I'll get any purging done, tentative plans to drive up to see my youngest son, and maybe middle son on the same trip.
What do YOU need to let go of - mentally or physical stuff?
DV - keep your vitamin D levels up. Pretty good research about low vitamin D as a risk factor for breast cancer and other cancers (my old professor in medical school was the first person to notice this association in the 1980's).
An old classmate died of ovarian cancer today. One important thing for LBSs to remember - life is uncertain, don’t let your past with your ex rob you of your present.
So, a discussion on another thread has me thinking more generally - what DOES it signify when grown up adults say “I love you” in a dating situation? And how soon in a relationship do you say it?
So, my question for you all is, when do YOU think is the right time to say ILU in a dating relationship? When you’re feeling infatuated? When you decide you’re really really enjoying your time with a person? When you decide you really really like who they are as a person? When you decide to be exclusive? When you decide you want to live with them? When you decide you want to marry them?
My .02
Love is a choice and when both parties make this choice - then you will be successful.
If either party decides to stop making this choice. Doom and gloom.
Point is - the choice needs to be made everyday and everyday you need to work at it. Easier said than done. Certainly it can be done, I think the point of your second paragraph above is that it needs to be done, whenever that happens.
MLC has a great point. ILUs to Ginger, Dawn, myself etc. mean commitment, honor, trust etc. ILUs to KML and CW mean I think I kinda dig you right now but we’ll see how it goes. Which brings up the point why even say it. Oh I know why, because she said it first. Sounds like a fight between my kids. “She said it first”.
Here are the facts of the case and they are irrefutable, we have two women who were once friends are now ex-gfs who most likely felt misled. Middle age dating is awesome! Lol.
Truthfully people like CW you would spot a mile away because they come on so strong and that would make you feel uncomfortable.
Not gonna lie finding a man that gives you the tingles and is interested in a committed relationship won’t be easy. I think Ginger will can attest to that.
Patience is the name of the game BF you have to have it in this business.
I know different people would have different answers to this question in different situations with different people, but I would argue that at 6 months in, you are only just beginning to find out who the real person is, not the infatuated fantasy you have about them. So at what point would you consider yourself not committed to "making it work" after saying ILU if you found out one of these things about them?
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Point is - the choice needs to be made everyday and everyday you need to work at it. Easier said than done. Certainly it can be done, I think the point of your second paragraph above is that it needs to be done, whenever that happens.
But does it? If you're married (and weren't deceived by your spouse about who they were before your marriage) then definitely yes. But if you've only been dating for 6 months and said ILU based on the limited information people have after only 6 months of dating (because it is impossible to truly know someone in that short a time)? Staying and trying to fix that situation if there are dealbreakers that arise sounds pretty codependent and unhealthy to me.
I'm not saying all people don't have problems or that we shouldn't work to help our partners. But 6 months is a pretty short time to be taking on marriage-type commitment to a person just because you had nice infatuation feelings. At 6 months its really usually still just that. It takes a lot more time to find out who someone really is. (BTW I took on CMM and his cancer not because I was in LOOOOVE with him at only 3 months, but because he had no one else, I had the capacity and skills to help another human being at the end of his life, I did care for him, and I viewed it as a mitzvah - is that the right word?- a good deed - that I could do in my life. We built the love through that process of caring for each other, but I would hesitate to recommend it to anyone else. I grew up on the lives of the saints. )
So should we not say ILU at all until we've known someone for a couple of years and are really sure of our feelings towards them? Or should we accept that you can say ILU because you have loving feelings towards them, but it is still acceptable to back out of the relationship if you subsequently discover something that is a dealbreaker for you?
And to the women out there - we've been raised on unhealthy Prince Charming scenarios. Usually if something seems too good to be true, it is. I'm very leery of a guy who wants to say ILU too soon. It's not attractive to me because I KNOW they don't know me well enough to truly mean it. I know what it actually means in that scenario is "I like you a lot" or "I am in love with the FANTASY I have of who you are" or "You're really hot" or "The sex is fantastic" or "You're a really cool person and I am really enjoying our time together and hoping it goes somewhere".
I'd put a lot less emphasis on what they do or don't SAY, and a lot more emphasis on what they DO or don't DO. You shouldn't be heartbroken because a guy said ILU at 3 months and then later ended up breaking up with you - you should have taken those words with a grain of salt and continued to do your due diligence to find out if HE was right for YOU.
I've always seen there to be a big difference between "love" and "in love" and I think this was a pretty commonly accepted dichotomy. I would say "I'm falling in love with you" or "I think I'm in love with you" or "I'm in love with you" in those early, romantic stages. (And I believe every person I said it to or said it to me shared this definition.) "I love you" has always been a much deeper emotion that does imply a certain level of commitment or forgiveness. As Chris Rock says, you can't really love someone till you've seen the crust of them. I remember back in the day with my girlfriends talking about this, and people feeling like you couldn't say "I love you" and mean it until you'd at least been on a vacation with someone and had some opportunities for each other to not be on their best behavior. You don't really know each other -- how can you love each other?
It seems to me that CW and K both said "I love you" when maybe in my book it would have been more like "I'm in love with you."
I couldn't give a flying F about K and whether or not CW stays with her, or if her financial irresponsibility is a legit red flag or not. (I will say I know ZERO disney princess women who think they should be rescued. ZERO.) I did not see anyone saying that he should stay with her, as others have said. Just that it is a d!ck move to say ILY then bail when the person exhibits some very similar problems that you yourself had a few months ago, and talk about her in such a dismissive way to all of us. That behavior doesn't mesh with how many of us define "love."
What I did see-- and what I think I've been trying to point out to CW for a long time-- is that he moves so quickly and sweeps these women off their feet. He has done this consistently, from the watermelon and feta salads and bubbly picnics on hikes to whale watching at sunset. Or whatever. Early ILUs are all in line with that. He comes off like a player. Someone above said he sets that hook hard so that he can soothe his anxious side and then it feels like if they don't keep his interest he moves on. (Just like my neighbor, who has now taken yet another woman to Europe (this time Paris) on a whirlwind trip, she totally fell for him, he's bored now and broke up with her because he just doesn't really feel it anymore.)
CW only likes the ones who are cruel to him and play hot and cold. i doubt we would have even heard about this situation if she was a drama queen and made him feel insufficient or insecure. My guess is that he would have seen the similarities between her situation and his own not so long ago and been over the moon that they had so much in common.
CW... I think you're such a great person in so many ways. I am so confused about why you won't really dig deep here or spend enough time uncoupled that you can actually stop these repeated dysfunctional patterns. You are so impatient to move on and find a partner but I am worried that you'll just keep repeating the same thing-- either you get swept up with someone terrible like the kebab lady or your ex, or you'll keep breaking the hearts of women who fall for you. (Or, maybe K is actually exactly like you and bored now too, so totally fine with what is happening.) And I do also worry that most women without some sort of issue will see right through you and pass you by if you don't seriously work on your attachment issues, since many of the things you've shared with us would be true dealbreakers for many women. I'm guessing it is hard to be truly empathetic to another person in similar circumstances when it is still too close for comfort for you, and maybe there are still things you haven't shared with us that you're dealing with around finances. IDK. But I hope you'll take this all seriously.
