Back from my Disneyland vacation with my kids. We had a fantastic time. My wallet took a huge hit but I didn’t care. We made some amazing memories and I think it was exactly what we all needed. My kids have been struggling with each other lately but really bonded during this trip and remembered that they can actually enjoy each other’s company and they do still love each other. D14 said she was super proud of her brother as he went on every ride except for one. A year or two ago, he would have wanted to skip half of them so he’s really gotten a lot more brave and willing to take some risks and step outside of his comfort zone. I’m glad she saw it the way that I did. She and I have also gotten past our hiccup of a few weeks ago. She told me numerous times how much she loves me and appreciates all of the things I do for both of them.
I had an unexpected text from XH today that rubbed me the wrong way. I know he was probably just trying to be complimentary and I’m ultimately choosing to see it that way but how he worded it made me want to reach through the phone and punch him in the face.
IDK…maybe I’m being too sensitive but his text read…”By now, as they’ve settled in, both S (OW) and I have heard many tales of how great a time they had on the trip. We are both very appreciative of you taking the Disney thing on. Thank you for giving the kids that experience.”
I would have been completely fine if he had said… “Sounds like the kids had a great time on your trip. Thanks for giving them that experience.” But he made it sound like the twins were their kids and I was the aunt who took them on vacation so now they both needed to thank me for it.
To be clear, I don’t need OW’s appreciation for the things I do with MY kids. She’s his partner, not mine. But beyond that, it was his line about how appreciative they are that I “TOOK IT ON” that bugged me the most. He made it sound like it was a chore on a ToDo list we both had and that I had saved them from having to do it. That is beyond laughable. He and OW are leaving for Mexico on Sunday without the kids. This will be his second tropical vacation with her in three years. He also told me last fall that he and OW were planning to go to Europe for three weeks this summer. When I suggested to him he might want to do something with our kids before they graduate, he told me her family takes a tropical group vacation every year and that he will take them on one of those trips. Since our split four years ago, he’s done nothing with them outside of the regular routine. He’s never even taken them away for a weekend. When it comes to vacations, his priority is “me, myself and I” and he and I both know he would never voluntarily spend that kind of money on them. The only reason we took them anywhere when we were married (and had way less money) is because I insisted on it. So needless to say, I’m not holding my breath.
Anyway…my first thought was to text him back that, as their mom, I make it a priority to follow through on my promises to them (in actuality, it was a promise we both made) but I also told him I would try to refrain from throwing “darts” at him and that response likely would have counted as one so, in the end, I decided to just ignore it.
In other news… my new car has arrived on the mainland. I just have to wait for it to get shipped to the dealership before I can pick it up. My sales guy says it should be in my driveway sometime in the next week or so. So excited!!!
Glad you had a great time at DisneyLand with the kids...I'm sure you made some great memories!
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
”By now, as they’ve settled in, both S (OW) and I have heard many tales of how great a time they had on the trip. We are both very appreciative of you taking the Disney thing on. Thank you for giving the kids that experience.”
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
To be clear, I don’t need OW’s appreciation for the things I do with MY kids. She’s his partner, not mine.
I hear you. The "We" probably would've rubbed me the wrong way too.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
my first thought was to text him back that, as their mom, I make it a priority to follow through on my promises to them (in actuality, it was a promise we both made) but I also told him I would try to refrain from throwing “darts” at him and that response likely would have counted as one so, in the end, I decided to just ignore it.
Good move. That would've been passive-aggressive and nothing good would've come from it. Better to vent here and move on.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
In other news… my new car has arrived on the mainland. I just have to wait for it to get shipped to the dealership before I can pick it up. My sales guy says it should be in my driveway sometime in the next week or so. So excited!!!
I just want to stop by and empathize. All these years and I still feel my blood pressure rise every time they say “we” in reference to my daughter. It’s an absolute trigger for me. My ex will say “WE have her next weekend and “we” is then. Is it rational? I don’t know, but I definitely feel triggered every single time .
On a positive note, I am glad you guys got to have a fun, bonding vacation with the kids. I have taken my daughter on one big vacation ( vs. my ex’s 10 or so) and Disney still remains her favorite and she has such great memories!
I get why that rubbed you the wrong way - but nothing to be gained by replying.
We live about 90 minutes from Disneyland, and I grew up even closer. I tried to take the kids once every year or two for a day. With 3 kids it was really helpful to have another adult, but I finally stopped taking my H with. As a narcissist who never wanted to do anything HE didn’t want to do, he would just be constantly irritated by things like what the people ten paces ahead in the line were quietly talking about. We had a better time without him.
So glad you and your kids had a great bonding time. Our exes don’t know what they’re missing out on.
I know he was probably just trying to be complimentary and I’m ultimately choosing to see it that way but how he worded it made me want to reach through the phone and punch him in the face.
Spit my coffee.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I would have been completely fine if he had said… “Sounds like the kids had a great time on your trip. Thanks for giving them that experience.” But he made it sound like the twins were their kids and I was the aunt who took them on vacation so now they both needed to thank me for it.
Totally get it and that's why I don't like the buddy buddy with the ex thing. Strictly business only.
I don’t want to speak for DV, however, it’s not about being or acting like a blended family. It’s not that DV isn’t doing what’s right for the kids. She keeps a good friendly, although not friends relationship with the ex and the Wife. She doesn’t keep that because she really likes them, just like I don’t keep mine because I really like them either . It’s good for the kids. We both know it. And it’s good for us too I’m having a collaborative flexible realationship which also benefits us when it comes to parenting.
Like I’ve explained myself, it’s like having 2 very real situations you are trying handle and the feelings that come with them. Just because we do it, doesn’t mean we won’t be affected or triggered by certain things. I think the momma bear still gets triggered and we still haven’t forgotten why we are sharing our children with this OP. So yes, certain things are triggering. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the stepparents being good to our children and caring about them. I know I am Grateful. OW had to pick D 14 up from school yesterday when she called upset about something and I was on a plane. I am thankful she did that. But I can’t forget how she became another person who does those things for her. It’s tough to feel both sides of the coin and separate the feelings.
We are not a blended family, but these are people that are now married to our childrens parents. Those worlds are going to collide. And DV, you handle it like a champ
And not to hi Jack, DV seems to have very healthy boundaries. I had mine when my D and OW wanted me to go to a hockey game with them. I couldn’t do it. So I sent my daughter, with her to go watch OUR sport, and even leant OW a team shirt because my D asked me too. Did it hurt me for them to share what my daughter and I have as our special thing. Yup. Did it make me happy she was able to bring my daughter to a her favorite sporting event? Yes.
Sounds like the plot to the new Hallmark movie 'A Second Chance at Love' starring Gloria Reuben (who I used to know back in the day) that recently wrapped filming in your neck of the woods.
I could have written your above post DV , word for word . I totally empathize. It’s a real struggle. I want to hate OW. But I can’t. She treats my daughter well. She definitely is a buffer for my ex’s short temper. Of course I’m happy that my daughter is a part of the family and OW and her family treats her as such. It could be awful for her, but it has not been. And I don’t think many know how it feels to have to appreciative of this and thankful to the woman who screwed your ex and blew up your family. Honestly, it’s an awful feeling for me. One I struggle with often . And while I am used to handing over my kid, I had to do it when she was a baby before she could even speak. I’m actually traumatized by that. She wasn’t even a year old. To a man who lied through his teeth and a woman who has not regards for a a married woman who was pregnant. And no, I never got an apology, she has never acknowledged it, and I have to just keep moving forward because my daughter is loved. And I wouldn’t want her to be treated any other way
Thanks for the support. Ours really was an atypical divorce. No forgiveness needed, TBH. We were never angry with each other. We just didn’t see it working because we wanted different things back then and neither of us wanted to hold the other one back. I was also missing my family.
When I moved to his area, it was for a job and I had only planned to stay for a year max before returning home. I met him on my first day of work and immediately had a crush on him. We were in a small town and he was the town’s most eligible bachelor at the time. Tall, dark and handsome and a bit mysterious. He was 26 (I was 23) and we became friends. He had grown up there, gone to university and then returned after graduation (fine arts degree). His family was well known in town and he had lots of friends. Being the new girl in town, he kind of took me under his wing, so to speak, and introduced me to a lot of people. For the next six months, we would hang out a couple times a week but he was dating different people. At the time, I think he was suffering from “I was a nerd in high school (in his mind) and now I’m cool” syndrome and seemed to gravitate toward dating the shooter girls at the local bars. I was the opposite of that. Very girl next door and not his type at the time. However, despite this, he would usually come over to my place a couple times a week, make me dinner, chat for a bit and then run out the door at 9 pm saying he needed to go work out. He did this for about four months…lol. His friends kept telling me that he liked me, he just didn’t know it yet.
Long story short…I pretty much gave up on us being anything but friends and had been talking with my ex boyfriend. XH came over the night before I was going on a trip home to make me dinner and I mentioned that my ex boyfriend was going to be at home that weekend too. I remember that he seemed surprised by that and a bit perturbed. When it came time for him to rush out the door at 9:00, he got up and then stopped at the door. I thought it was a bit weird but then decided that maybe he wanted me to open the door for him so I got up off the couch and walked towards him. When I got to the door, he suddenly grabbed me, kissed me, told me to have a good weekend and then took off. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had seriously given up on him and decided we would only ever be friends. Needless to say, my weekend did not go well (for me and my ex) and me and XH became a couple after I returned. We got married five years later and then separated four years after that.
He reached out to me after XH and I split. He was pretty mad about how I had been treated by and wanted to offer his support. After that, he would text me every so often to see how I was doing. A few times, he let me know that he and his best friend had been watching old videos of all of us. He seemed to think he had been a bit of a jerk to me back then and wanted to apologize for how “stupid” he was. He said the videos were hard to watch because he saw how awesome I was and he was really self-focused at the time and, in his estimation, didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated or at least didn’t appreciate me the way he should have. I appreciated hearing that but I think he is a lot harder on himself than he deserves. Anyway…not sure what to expect at Easter. This will be the most time we have spent together since our divorce. He’s a lot more open than he used to be so may want to talk about this in person. Or maybe not…lol. I’m just going to enjoy my time with his family and deal with whatever comes up in the moment.
