Been a while (almost a year) since I gave my update, I think I will take the opportunity.
It will be 6 years in 10 days since BD. The anxiety that date used to generate is entirely gone. I am happy to report that my marriage is still going strong. The last 5 1/2 years are the happiest years of any other point in our marriage. And I believe she would probably say the same. We continue to piece as I now truly believe, more than ever, that you never stop DBing. GAL, 180s and detachment (I prefer self-differentiation as the right term when you are talking about a happy marriage) are ongoing and you should never stop.
We are pretty much empty nesters at this point. My daughter went to school out of state, and then landed a job that she really likes. So she is full-time there and continuing to take classes. Crazy what a difference 6 years makes.
On a negative note, our best-friend couple are getting a divorce. He cheated, she found out and she feels she can never trust again. It is a big mess and has really put a wrinkle in our social life. They were a great couple to hang out with and do things with. Very compatible. We felt like we had struck the couple-friends lottery. If only WSs knew how many people would be affected by things like this. Not just their kids and extended families, but also friends and people in other social groups with them that care about them.
Occasionally we get posters here that are considering an affair or breaking up their marriage. All I can say is the lives you are messing with go much further and deeper than you could ever imagine.
So anyway, that is my update. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Oh, and if there are any former posters that lurk here, please consider posting and giving us an update! It is always uplifting to hear how people are thriving, no matter what ended up happening with their marriage.
For those that don't remember, or never knew, I came to this forum convinced a lot of the issues in my marriage were due to the SSRIs my wife was taking. When BD happened, even though I had read MWD's books, online articles and watched her videos, it was an Internet search on SSRIs and divorce that brought me to a thread related to that subject on this forum.
The update is that my wife is off of the SSRIs. It was a long, difficult journey for her, including a trip to the ER and an overnight stay in a hospital to rule out a stroke or aneurysm. She ended up having to continue to cut the doses until she was merely micro dosing, and slowly decreasing the frequency. A Netflix documentary on the subject showed another longtime SSRI user having to do the same. By the way, she came to the decision to get off of them on her own. I never brought it up again after initially mentioning it shortly after BD.
It's funny, but her old self is back. She teared up at a show we were watching yesterday (Separated At Birth). I haven't seen her have emotions like that in years! It's also brought back her temper, but I'm much better equipped at dealing with that now after working on myself for the last 6 years.
Tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of BD. For those that don't know my history it is kind of a BD#2. In September 2005 I discovered an online EA, but when I confronted her back then she immediately said she didn't want a D. That's when I discovered MWD and DB. When I confronted her about an EA 6 years ago, she immediately said she didn't want to be married anymore.
It's funny how I used to hate the date 12/23. Now I look at it more as an "Awakening Date" than a Bomb Date. It was the day I woke up to how badly I had neglected my marriage, how poor my behavior had become, and how I had been drifting through life, sleepwalking almost, rather than having purpose.
I figured I'd post today since tomorrow is Saturday and will likely be a busy day. The good news for those in an active situation is that what the vets here say is true. There is light at the end of the tunnel. That things will get better, whether you save your marriage or not, and you will thrive again one day if you put the work in on yourself.
Found this diagram, but since we can't share or link I will just type it out here.
It shows the outline of a human head, what's inside the outline of the head is what is in my control, what is outside of the head in a circle around the head are things out of my control.
Things in my control:
My boundaries My thoughts & actions The goals I set What I give my energy to How I speak to myself How I handle challenges
Out of my control:
The past The future The actions of others The opinions of others What happens around me What other people think of me The outcome of my efforts How others take care of themselves
Felt this was a good list, so I am sharing it here in my thread.
1) IC. This is not optional if you want to keep the changes you've worked so hard for from sliding away and becoming the person you used to be. 2) Having a good view on who you used to be and who you are now. And remembering that your spouse will start to question everything if you start to revert.
#2 answers your second question as well. You've got to be constantly vigilantly that the old man doesn't start creeping back in. It's very similar to giving your life to Christ. There are old behaviors your can no longer engage in and the minute you feel like you are back sliding, holding yourself accountable. Self-awareness is crucial, and only get that through IC.
I'm glad my experience can be useful for you, Maturin. And remember to pay it forward in the future!
Great update. Reading about your success is truly a happy feeling. Congrats on having the stamina and love to stick through it all. I hope positive things continue to happen for you and her. How impressive that she decided to wean off the SSRIs herself. She's fortunate to have you their to provide ongoing support. Thanks for sharing!
