Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - 7 1/2 years later...I'm trying

Good morning everyone,

This is a long post, but it's my first in a long time and have been struggling lately.

Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone. To be fair, I've dated a few really great women over the years, but logistics, etc. doesn't make it easy. I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.

Why am I sharing this here? A few reasons. I don't think my situation is special, or unique. I'm confident that someone reading this is going through the same thing and would like to know that they aren't alone.

The main reason however, is this. Dating over the last 7+ years has shown me that most divorces are somewhat amicable and that most people I've met, actually want to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex. For me, and I imagine many here, our situation is the exact opposite. I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc. The women I've dated, including the woman I'm currently dating, were and are wonderful women. They care deeply for their children and have fantastic co-parenting relationships with their exes. (I'd argue maybe a little too good sometimes). They coach teams together, share birthday dinners together, communicate daily about the lives and what's going on of the kids, etc. When one of the kids has a good day, the other parent is involved and both parents get to share the moment and create a memory. It's awesome and to be honest, makes me incredibly sad and jealous.

I spend more time than I'd like to admit, wondering what life looks like for me moving forward. My oldest son is halfway through middle school, about to be a teenager. It saddens me that his "child" childhood years are over and I never got to spend a Christmas morning with a partner. The next few years with him are going to be challenging for him and our family, as they are with every teenager since forever. I'm starting to see it already with the increase in homework. He and I spend at least an hour each night going over stuff, taking away from my younger son and everything else going on.

I see other divorced parents sharing this load, constantly. Divorced parents each drive one kid to practice, help pick one up, etc. WAW want nothing to do with this. My XW lives 20 minutes away and only shows up to pick the kids up on Friday for the weekend. Come Saturday, I'm exhausted.

I'm happily "stuck" in town until my youngest graduates HS, in ten years. Anyone I've dated is in the same boat. They're stuck where they are. Only difference is, they've all had a partner. Yes, an ex, but a partner regardless. It's hard feeling like there's room for me and my boys in a new life with someone, I don't know what that looks like. The women I've met, as I said, are still very much in a family with their kids and their ex. My boys and I are all we have. Yes, it's wonderful, we are so close, but you know what I mean.

So that's where's my head has been for a few years. If you've read this far, I appreciate it. I hope someone reading this can relate to what I'm talking about. Thank you.

-mvg

CWs this may have been your best post ever.

That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

@mvg, I hear the loneliness in your and gingers posts. mvg, we’ve all felt that sometimes. In the moment, it can be very hard.


That is a lot of weight to put on any parter, to fill your hole because you’re struggling solo.

Why do you have so much stress to share with a partner? I liked kml’s suggestions about seeking more help so you can GAL on your kid-free time. Where are your friends—are you being vulnerable with any about your mental state and the joys and sorrows of parenting? Your IC saying there wasn’t much more they could do probably wasn’t when you were expressing so much stress and loneliness. Those are bread and butter areas for ICs.

I didn’t have 50% time with my kids—more like 75-80%. I was primary on our legal documents. Like you, NO help with school for many, many years (7->9yrs). When my son was 1, I had a live-in au pair. 45 hours of WEEKLY help for whatever odd or end I needed. Cheap, too! I also loved that she was excited to share holidays and vacations as part of soaking up our culture. No emotional support, of course, but she shared Christmas morning. By 2, I joined a homeschool network that had an educator with a master’s degree to help see me through tough questions and other parents to share joys and sorrows and diaper techniques. Also play dates (e.g., time to chill)! They weren’t single, but some may as well have been, their husbands doing little for house or home after work. By 4 I had a (married) friend driving my daughter to school daily and several single parent friends to share the joys/hassle of managing two young kids while visiting a zoo. It sounds like you need more “help” or “social network” than you currently have. Consider being more vulnerable with friends, reaching out to those 10 other single parents, or joining a single parenting group on social media. This can be turned around, mvg. ((Hugs))

Off to meet with my single parent friend and chat about our week!

I do think a big chunk of this really should be sorted out in IC. It feels like you are having a difficult time understanding how to self differentiate in a relationship with out boxing yourself out completely, in to my family and your family. I also feel like there's some insecurity and jealousy bubbling under the surface, and it's not cute.

Another aspect I'm wondering is what your parenting support system looks like. Do you have other single parent friends? Do you have other parent friends? Do you have a reliable baby sitter? Nanny? Friends who love your kids? Family? You sound like you need a break and the breaks your exW gives you seem to be spent not on you. I know you feel like you need those other jobs so they are there when you want them, but freelancing and adjuncting are up to you. If the skill set exists you can very easily set it aside and come back to it if you want or need to. I don't know a single university that isn't always looking for adjuncts. And the point of freelance is to freelance. So I get it. But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action. You're burned out. Full time single parenting is hard. It's even harder with a contentious ex. It's even harder when you're burning the candle at both ends, aren't reaching out for help, and trying to make a romantic relationship work. It honestly feels like you're beyond burnt out and moving swiftly into depression territory. <- Another great reason to get into IC if you aren't right now.

There's a really stupid motivational saying out there "everyone has the same 24 hours in a day." It's supposed to make people think they are lazy if they aren't constantly grinding, doing, making moves. The reality is, no everyone doesn't have the same 24 hours in a day, the world just doesn't work like that. And as a single parent of two if you had 36 hours in a day you still wouldn't have that same time. The fact is you have more to do, with less time, and less hands than some. You also have less to do with more money than some. That's not to shame you, that's to remind you if you can afford help, get yourself help. Let yourself have the single parent luxury of a little bit of time back, a little bit less of a mental, emotional, or physical load to carry. You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down. I know you have a gf, and a job, and you're an adult. But are you every fully you? Do you have hobbies? Do you do things just for yourself? Do you ever have time to grab a drink or dinner with old friends sans kids?

I know you came looking for advice about the gf and her exH. Or how to maintain a romantic relationship or just not be so annoyed with your ex and lonely but honestly I think you've been so kid focused, and survival focused, and day to day focused you've lost a lot of yourself, including your confidence and the ability to see possibility and positives. When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?

Thank you so much for your reply. Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well. I've started doing laundry during the week so that's freed up some time on weekends, for sure. The cleaning crew just left, they come every other Friday, another big help. In terms of friends, my 3-4 close friends are saints. I am 100% vulnerable and honest with them, they are incredible and talk with me 3-4 times a week. I have noticed how much geography plays into this. I've met people from other towns who have huge networks of people, it's awesome. But my town has one high school, one middle school and an Acme haha, it's about as small town as it gets. I feel weird about a live in nanny but am definitely open to a college kid for after school homework help / tutoring for both boys. Never thought about a single parenting group on social media before, that sounds like something.