Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Clearly a glutton for punishment

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Glutton for punishment


Yes, I can’t resist the another thread .


I want to speak a little to the end of my last one.

Don, i get what you are saying. It is sad and it is frustrating and I see what you are saying . I have actually overdone many areas of my life that were exceedingly difficult . And have become somewhat successful. Just not in relationships. I did spend much time in therapy working on why o accepted what I did from my ex. My father left to be with his then girlfriend. My mother was literally falling apart and losing her mind. I have no siblings. I was 19 and I was watching my already u stable life crumbling further. I was afraid, depressed, desperate. And there was my douchebag in shining armor, lol. I was afraid to be totally alone in this world. I was willing to pick up whatever someone would throw me. I cling to the pathetic crumbs he through me like life. Because I was terrified.

As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now .

Now I am much much more discriminating . Almost too much. After M, my very last chance at love and family rolled into one, I can’t connect. One little red flag and I run. Is it good or bad? No clue. The pendulum swing the other way. For the life of me, I can’t figure out this relationship thing. I do know, when I love, it’s with all my heart. It’s not just to gain the security. It’s because I want to give all this love inside of me. I know my love is real when I do give it. I know it comes off as fake w sometimes too. At the end of the day I want someone to genuinely be there for me as I am them. I will love them even when things are sh!t. And it will be returned.

MLXer: my ex did not love genuinely. He also did what he did for gain. My engagement ring was a little pricey and beautiful. I didn’t actually ask for that. I have a picture of a design I liked, but he got me a nice rock. But I did realize he did that because it was a reflection of him. His gifts to me , were always a reflection of him. I understand what you are saying .

I have some pretty solid relationships . I am the caregiver at work. Everyone comes to me personal or professionally. Each of us nurse case managers work with a social worker. Me and mine are like besties. We take care of eachother . We feed eachother healthy. We confide in eachother, we give positive reinforcement at work and personally. We are completely and wholly honest with eachother. She is like the best most honest at vulnerable true relationship i have, believe it or not . I know i am capable, lol. Every other pairing on the units envy our professional and personal relationship.

I just can’t get it right with a guy . I don’t know.
In other news. My dad and stepmom have been great. We bought a new really nice couch last night ( won’t be here until may) he isn’t comfortable on the one I have so he purchased a new one. I offered to pay every other payment. He won’t take take it. My kitchen counters were installed today and they are incredible . Some plumbing issues, but my dad took care of it . Next 2 days will be backsplash. My kitchen is amazing .

My ex MIL needs to access transportation for her PT appointments and I know what to do and how to do it. I said I would take care of it, just send me some info. I’m happy to help her. He is taking my dog for my 2 trips. This weekend I will be at an indoor water park with D and her BFF. I will be chillin in the hot tub alone with my beverage and a book. I love the part where she is old enough to do her thang. I’m 4 weeks I will be in FL for my Friends baby shower. First baby at 41. ( she turned 41 today) she’s a beautiful story of making a huge move and finding love . It’s an inspiration.

And my D called me excitedly from school today. She’s been asked to do honors geometry next year. She’s got her dads math brain but always underestimates herself. She was so dam proud of herself and I’m so proud of her . I might also have her an opportunity to shadow an occupational therapist at work. We figured out that might be a path she wants yo pursue . And I convinced her to go to her old stomping grounds and ask for a job. She grew up at the local boys and girls club for after cate, before cAre and summer camp. They loved her and one members retirement speech included her honor watching D grow up. They assured her she would always have a job there . Oddly enough, one of the before after care workers is now a nurse on my unit and remembers her fondly. She was gunshot about going back, but she asked for some $50 workout leggings today. I offered to split them with her if she goes back and asks for a job. She agreed .

I’m killing it some areas of my life, and failing at others . Que ser a ser a

Honey - you do see how these are the words of the little girl who didn't get the love she needed from her parents, right?

Picture yourself as a young girl saying these words. How would you comfort that girl? You would certainly tell her that her parent's dysfunction was NOT HER FAULT and that she was worthy of love.

Hello my sweet friend. I don't come here often. Really just to check in and see how you are doing.

Our childhood does affect us for life, doesn't it? We just have to try to acknowledge it and do the best we can.

You always were so hard on yourself, sweetie. You are amazing. You know that. How I wish I had accomplished all that you have.

Congrats to little G...she is amazing, too. She may have gotten his math brain..but the rest...all you. Say hi to her for me.

So, we all know that negative self talk isnt good for us, but, talk we do, right? It is a habit, and it does serve its purpose sometimes in propelling us forward.

I know you long for a happy, loving, supportive relationship. I believe you will have one, one day. I do. I have come to truly see that it happens when it is supposed to.

Maybe you have some more inner work to do. Maybe you have to see yourself as we do. Maybe you have to get out of your head some.

I believe, and really what the heck do I know, that we should always be true to who we are. I dont mean we need to show our potential partners all the "stuff" we hold. G-d knows, that would have sent R running...lol. But I didnt pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I actually told him some of my stuff on the first date. Just put it out there. Was it the right thing to do? Who knows? I am sure he thought a lot about it and gave it some time to see just how bad it really was. I dont know. I just knew that I wasnt going to play any games. I was just going to be the me I had finally become and learned to love somewhat.

Not sure where I was going with all of this. LOL. I guess I am saying that maybe you think too much about it all sometimes. What to do, what to say, how to act. And that maybe, when you truly embrace all that you are, and you stop thinking about the whatifs and what should be's..things happen.

So, try not to think about you not having another chance at a family because you dont know that to be true. Stop comparing yourself to others and just be wonderful you.

I do believe that even if we dont realize it, we give off certain things. And that maybe, people can sense what is inside your head and heart and they dont know what to do with it.

As for the red flags, I agree with Don, depends on what they are. Heck, I have red flags all over me...lol..R looked past them. I looked past his..

Mindset, sweetie. Change yours a bit. Just go out and have fun..see where it leads you. Love you.

Well this is in a nutshell why OLDing doesn’t work. Most men don’t understand women so he thinks he’s doing the right thing by letting you pick the place. He’s excited to meet you so that’s creepy. If he didn’t text enough there is no connection. The avg man can’t win.

Middle age independent women are hard to please. That is why the avg woman responds to 1 out of every 120 messages.

Go and have a couple drinks and see what happens.

Oh, Ginger! What I was saying, even if men initially filter on Age X-Y, Looks Z+.. as we communicate with a lady, as we see their character and how they vibe, their attractiveness changes. (There is actually a study on this--when college students were asked to rate the attractiveness of classmates at the beginning of the school year, their responses were similar, at the end very different, especially for the people they knew well.) My GF is now irresistible to me. I was endorsing kml's approach of initiating if you see a good match. Once they get to know you, they will see the beauty that everyone here sees.

Hey G. Forgive me as I havent read through all the responses. I know you know that we had similar childhoods. My mom, of course, did not commit suicide so that is definitely a whole other level, particularly at one of the most developmentally important times in a young woman's life. I cannot imagine the pain for you.

The people pleasing character, empathy, and all the other stuff we share as a result of being children of addicts..I can certainly relate to.

I still have stuff left over from all of that..and honestly, I dont think some of it is ever going away.
I work on it and recognize it, but, I feel some of it is so ingrained in me from dealing with all of my mother's issues from birth, really, that it has become a part of me.

And for the most part, I am ok with that. Do I wish I had more confidence, yep..do I wish that I wasnt still waiting for validation sometimes..yep again. And there is more.

What I have tried to do is be ok with it. I like that I have a great deal of empathy..to a fault sometimes. I like that I like to see other people happy and if I can help I do.

I try to balance it so that it isnt unhealthy and detrimental to me. And sometimes, often times, I can. Sometimes, though, old habits die hard. I am who I am for the most part. Always trying to grow and learn, but also realizing I am a good person who wouldnt hurt anyone intentionally. I am enough.

You know I always told you that you are way too hard on yourself. You still are.

I also think while I love to analyze, sometimes just shutting our brains off and living is a good thing.

I think you spend a lot of time on the what ifs in regard to relationships. I also think you are still blaming yourself for what you consider "Failures".

2 things about that...one, 2 people are always responsible in a relationship.. that goes for the good things and the bad things.

Careful to just take your stuff...leave theirs to them. And the other thing is that people come into our lives for a reason.. and sometimes those reasons are to give us knowledge of ourselves.

I think you should let the past go as best you can...what happened with your past relationships happened when you were different.

And let go of not being with someone when others are..and all that stuff.

You are right where you are supposed to be...with the knowledge you are gained and the growth you have aquired.

Be you in every situation...not the you, you think people expect. The real you,..the funny, caring, successful, endearing you...and screw who ever doesnt like it,...

NEXT!!!!

Love you.