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AndrewP, DejaVu6, Traveler
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2929133 01/28/2022 11:58 PM
by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Last thread was getting long so thought I should start a new one…

Link to last thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2920227&page=10

Well…after two years of successfully avoiding Covid, I knew it was only a matter of time before it infiltrated my family. Sure enough…yesterday I got a urgent text from XH saying our daughter needed a Covid test and he was getting the runaround from public health. I had just arrived at work but ended up contacting public health myself, getting a rapid test, picking up my daughter and bringing her home and testing her there. Negative result. So thought things were okay but offered to keep her anyway just in case. Good thing I did because fast forward to this morning and I get a text from her at around 10:30 that she is feeling nauseous and doesn’t want to leave her room. No one else was home so I called her just in time to hear her vomiting into her garbage can. Told her I was on may way and found her in her room hugging her garbage can and looking pretty ill. Got out my trusty thermometer and found out she had a fever so decided to test her again. Sure enough. This time she was positive.

The good news is that now I don’t have to worry about cancelling our trip due to a last minute positive test. Given all of her athletic activities, she was the person most at risk for catching Covid so in a way, it is a relief. Now I just have to get her a positive molecular test in order to ensure she can travel at the end of the month. Going to periodically test her brother too but he does not have near as many close contacts as she does.

Anyway…I am going to test myself on Sunday before my date with VP just in case. He has an elderly father in a care home he visits regularly so wouldn’t want to expose him to anything unnecessarily.

Have a great weekend all!!! (((HUGS)))
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#2929345 Feb 1st a 06:27 PM
by AndrewP
AndrewP
You know, it's not often that I agree with Don. I actually came on here to write something similar. Don has dug into it with points that I probably wouldn't be able to enunciate as well.

Now keep in mind that my dating experience is very limited and didn't end well at all. My own opinion is that I was too complacent and was willing to let a fairy-tale write itself. But I was expecting a fairy-tale which at my age is perhaps not the story-line that happens.

I do think that for many people, they have an expectation / belief that dating follows a "standard pattern" - first date hug, second date smooches, third date perhaps both hanky and panky. That may be true for some people, maybe more so for younger people - I don't know.

So - you dodged the smooch on date #2 and fled the scene. Post analysis reasons have been given.

As Don asks though - is this about him or you? I know that for me, especially in this past year that I've been alone, that I've given a lot of thought to how much I enjoy being single and not having someone under-foot. And also how much it would be nice to have someone around to share my life with. Stuck sitting on the fence.

Because I have nothing constructive to say smile - I'll tell a story.

Quite a few years ago my wife called me from the store she works in across the street to let me know that there was a kitten stuck on the fence behind the shop. I pointed out that gravity continued to work and that perhaps it could assist the kitten. She seemed sure that someone should check on it so I asked my early-teen daughter to go have a look.

A bit later my daughter was walking by and I asked how the kitten was. She said fine - it's in the porch. And suddenly was a new member of the family (he's still doing well - rather elderly now but happy).

Gravity doesn't always work the way it's expected to and getting off the fence can be a pretty scary step.

---

PS - Don - don't get a swelled head laugh
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#2929347 Feb 1st a 06:50 PM
by kml
kml
And the thing I tried to remind myself: these are grown men who have been disappointed in love before - they can handle it. I think we worry too much about "raising someone's hopes" by giving them another date and then telling them we've decided it doesn't work for us. But really, at this age, any reasonable guy should be able to handle the disappointment. I know when someone seems more interested in us than we are in them at first (which is NOT always the way it ends up!) it can feel like we need to manage their expectations. But you don't!

If there's nothing that you find a dealbreaker or totally off-putting, why not give him a chance to make a better impression? This is one area where blind dates and internet dating are a problem - they put too much pressure on these first meetings. IRL, you would have met this person somewhere, hopefully had time to observe him in his natural habitat and he might have grown on you before you started dating.

When I first met CMM, I wasn't blown away. And honestly, if not for his cancer, I'm not sure how long our relationship would have lasted, as he definitely had some issues that were not ideal for me. But on the other hand, I have never felt so completely loved by another person - he adored me and looked after me. He made my lunches for work and put them in his Star Wars lunch box, sometimes with a sweet note. wink The sex was, honestly, the best I've ever had (and I've had some pretty good sex in my lifetime!). I couldn't have predicted all that from the first two dates.
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#2930026 Feb 13th a 08:10 AM
by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Hmmm…definitely a couple of things to think about.

LH - Never been the kind of person who does hook ups. It’s just not in my DNA. I’ve only slept with one person in my life that I didn’t necessarily see as long term partner material. I hadn’t ruled it out completely but I definitely saw him as someone who was “here for a good time, not a long time” so I didn’t emotionally invest. Still…we dated for six weeks and the last thing he ever said to me was “I should get you a key to my place so you can come over whenever you want” (he lived on the mainland) before he ghosted me. My intuition was spot on with him… but I had a heck of a lot of fun for those six weeks…lol. I have a long established habit of not getting physically involved with someone unless I am in love or think I could be. I don’t get that feeling with VP even though I really want to. I think if I knew he was in the same place as me (on the fence), I would feel a lot better about going out with him again. But I know he is ahead of me in that department which just adds pressure for me to feel something and that just makes me want to run away from the whole thing.

I’ve also never dated more than one person at a time so I feel uncomfortable even talking to more than one person at a time. I swipe right on someone about once a month…maybe. It feels like a lot of effort but then not making the effort, feels like giving up…and I’ve never been someone who gives up.

T - I actually think I was more goal focused in my 30’s…but my goals were different. Back then I was looking for someone to build a life with and have a family. I’m not looking for that anymore. I just want someone I can do things with… travel, go out to dinner, hikes, play golf, tennis, pool, etc… I don’t need to live with someone or get a joint bank account. I’m pretty independent that way. I think my biggest issue is that I don’t want to make another mistake and end up with the wrong person…again. I also really, really, really hate hurting anyone’s feelings.
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#2930079 Feb 14th a 05:30 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
DejaVu, your approach towards encouraging her with sports sounds very mature to me. My father pressured me to play basketball--because I was athletic and got my height early--and that looked nothing like your interactions with your daughter. Yours sounded 90% amazing. The last 10%? Human. I'm sorry you're facing such a radical 180 in her behavior towards you. I would be crushed and sleepless, too. Practical advice--try to get a nap. It sounds trite, but every hole feels deeper and worse when we don't get enough sleep. Sending ((hugs)) and prayers and support your way.
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#2930070 Feb 14th a 03:35 PM
by LH19
LH19
I use to annoy the $hit out of my sister lol. Shocking right Andrew? lol
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#2930083 Feb 14th a 06:10 PM
by DnJ
DnJ
Good Morning DV

I think you are entering the teenager years. Daughter sounds perfectly healthy.

All my kids somewhat rebelled. Broke away from the tired and true and forged and tried their own temporary path. Teens need to know they will be alright. They purposefully, albeit unknowingly and subconsciously, will create problematic situations for themselves to overcome.

You being a strong stable Mom / parent gets blamed and pushed away. Kids need to do this. They need to stand on their own. To be held accountable. Yes, accountable, as odd that may seem. To have consequences for their actions and to make reparations and know they will be alright. To know mistakes are all right. And it super hard for a parent to step back and let them. Of course, we don’t let disastrous events befall them.

It’s difficult for both parent and child as they grow and see us as just people. For their entire life, we parents knew everything, were all powerful, and could do anything. The slowly unveiled reality that we aren’t is difficult for them to accept, and difficult for us to loose such veneration.

Alas, a necessary step. In time, they grow and mature, and emotionally and intellectually we see more eye to eye. Physically eye to eye occurs far sooner. smile

My path, such as it is, was as it was before. I loved them. I encouraged positive and ignored negative. Admonished when and where necessary. The tough part about being a parent is being the parent and not worrying about being their friend. Especially when they are needing accountability. I think we do a disservice to our kids if we do else-wise.

This is not punishing them. It’s holding your boundaries and enforcement of them. We are the role model, and kids need to know we have rock solid beliefs and values (and boy will they test them) and that they can have them as well. Consequences for actions. Disrespectful behaviour towards me all day, and then you want me to drive you to the mall. It’s ok for them to miss out on a few things. In fact, as weird as it is, they actually create the events to do so.

The situation does get much better. Kids reach 18-22 ish and become someone else. Become. It’s quite amazing to see. A bit sad to let go the grown child who can stand quite well on their own. And it’s with much pride you hug the adult.

Anyhow, just my view.

And you are doing a fine job DV. Just knocked off balance a bit is all. Pretty sudden when teens explode upon the scene.

D
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#2930073 Feb 14th a 04:09 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Originally Posted by LH19
I use to annoy the $hit out of my sister lol. Shocking right Andrew? lol

I thought that was just a brother's job, because my brother still to this day can be an annoying little sh!t when he wants to be, but I love him and know he'd do absolutely anything in this world for me at any time.

Deja, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but I really don't. What I do know for certain, since my kids are older than yours, is that they do eventually come back around. My middle daughter went through a stage where she hated me and her dad and just kind of shut us out from everything and we just hung in there and still reached out on birthdays and holidays, but otherwise kind of left her alone and she circled back around to us eventually. She still have a pretty up and down relationship with her dad, but her relationship with me is back on track and better than ever. So, I hope your daughter comes around sooner rather than later, but I promise she will. I honestly think a lot of it is just her age. Something about those teenage girl hormones just make EVERYTHING so extreme. I have no doubt that you are a good mom. She'll see it again too, at some point.
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#2930494 Feb 23rd a 11:07 PM
by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Forgot to mention that I talked to VP yesterday. We’ve basically decided that it is unlikely we would be too successful at building a friendship and that anything that bonded us platonically would likely just fade away eventually. Both of us have limited time to invest in people outside of our usual circles and kind of want to reserve that for a romantic interest. We both really like each other as humans but there wasn’t really a “spark”. His last text to me said that maybe one day in the future we would both go to a basketball game when our daughters are playing each other, see each other across the gym and thing OMG…we are meant for each other. LOL. You never know… stranger things have happened.

Anyway, I am okay with it. TBH, even if we had gone on a few more dates, I’m pretty sure I would have sabotaged it somehow given my mindset around it. Better we just move on and who knows, maybe fate will intervene one day when the timing is better. He is a pretty impressive person, for sure. I’m probably a dummy for just letting it be but I really did not want to try to force anything just because I think he is a good human. He deserves to be with someone who can’t wait to see him again and I’m definitely not that person.
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#2930135 Feb 15th a 08:57 PM
by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Thanks everyone. This has been hard but also a good reminder of how important it is to listen and validate our kids even when what they are saying has no merit, or at least very little, in our eyes. D14 is being absolutely over the top ridiculous in her level of upset (molehill meet mountain) BUT they are very real and valid to her so I have to accept that this is where she is at and work on repairing a relationship that I know is very strong underneath all of the teenage drama and emotions. Her drive for independence and freedom is much much stronger than mine was at her age and also stronger than her brother's. They are very different humans indeed.

One positive that has come from this...

Believe it or not... I think XH and I are on better terms than we have been in a very long time. This situation has forced us to communicate more and I have to say that I am extremely grateful for his support. He texted me yesterday that he wanted me to know he is in no way behind her sudden upset and in fact, was as shocked by it as I am. He said he felt a bit caught in the middle and I told him that he needn't feel that way as both of us are on our daughter's side...she just doesn't realize that.

In hindsight, I think one of the now moot problems in our relationship was that I had always been the leader and him the follower. At the time, I thought I was just doing everything I needed to do to look after our family and take stress away from him but I think I did it too much and he became less of a partner and more like a fourth child that I needed to manage. Was that completely my fault? No...he could have taken on more responsibility instead of letting me do it all. But then again, I could have handed some over as well. Watching him take on so much with his new wife and consistently being there for her has been difficult in some ways but also kind of nice as it tells me I wasn't completely wrong about him. It has also allowed me to trust him more when it comes to looking after our kids.

This morning he texted me "Happy Birthday" which was nice to receive but also hurtful because he rarely, if ever, remembered my birthday when we were married. Valentine's Day? Nope...probably stopped caring about that shortly after our kids were born. I think we often didn't make a big deal out of these little events because we were so preoccupied with our kids and everything that entailed but by doing that, we put our relationship last and that definitely had an impact over time. Now, with the 50/50 parenting schedule, he gets to be a dad for half the time and a doting husband the other half of the time. He is reportedly doing well at both and I can't help but be happy for him...that he feels good about who he is these days. How could I have ever loved him and not want that for him? Bittersweet feelings, to say the least.

So...had a texting conversation with VP yesterday. Told him that I really like him and he is fun to be around but that I haven't really felt too much of a romantic attraction towards him at this point. I said that I didn't really know what to do with that as I don't want to lead him on but I also don't want to prematurely close the door on something potentially great either. So I told him that I had decided to just be honest and then he could decide how much time and effort he was willing to put into a relationship that may not go anywhere romantically. I wasn't sure how my message would be received but I also know myself well enough to know that if I went out with him again without him knowing where I am at, I would feel too much pressure to feel something and wouldn't have a good time. A few minutes later he texted back that he completely understands and he is aware there hasn't been a "spark" between us but that he really likes me and I am exactly the kind of person he is attracted to. He said, for him, the barometer is how he feels after he kisses someone and that hasn't happened with us so he is reserving judgment. That was such a relief to know that. I know that I have been more standoffish than I normally would be because I am scared of giving him the wrong signals so this gives me a bit more freedom to be myself and more in the moment. Anyway... we decided we will talk again next week when I am feeling a bit better (was extremely exhausted yesterday from being at work all day and thinking about D14) and make plans for a third date.

So...that's the latest in DV land. Thanks again for all of your support and advice. It really means a lot to me to have all of you still reading my thread and offering me advice and encouragement (and a few 2x4's) when it is needed. Love and (((hugs))) to you all!!
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