Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont11.)

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I want to change the name of this thread so badly, but then my friends might not find it as easily. Oh well.

Her tears make perfect sense.

I cried when the divorce happened even though I left and I filed. Because it was done. For me all that I thought my life would be died that day. And as exciting as it was to have a whole new life with a lot less awful in it it didn't override my grief for the family I wanted for my daughter.

I cried when my exH found a GF that he could change for. It didn't last. But it still hurt. I cried that he would do things with and for her that I begged for for 10 years. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back to my ex, or that life. And I was happily living with my current H when exH had the wonder GF who D19 and I grew to love.

Just because you don't want something because it's toxic for everyone involved doesn't mean you can't be hurt that things didn't go as planned. It doesn't mean that even if you're the one who was finally able to see how bad the cycle was and you were brave enough to pull the trigger that it brings you joy or simply apathy to be done.

Steve, no body wants to hurt their kids like that. Or make their own lives more difficult. And yeah there are a lot of WAS and WS that are so deep in their own crisis nothing makes sense, but most aren't. And most aren't total sociopath's like your little story there. In fact almost none are. Scott's exW is a human being with feelings. A flawed imperfect person just like Scott. Who made some really bad choices, and probably made some really healthy ones too. Like moving to legally end a toxic MR instead of dragging it out ad infinitum seeing as this will they won't they misery business was going on for YEARS. Normal humans don't stop caring about their exes because they left them. They just cared about themselves more. And sometimes that's for the best in the long run.

There's no such thing as a typical WAS/WS, only common behaviors. They aren't a monolith of illogical, irrational, and impulsive decision making. She cried because she was hurting. Because she's a human person and divorce is hard on everyone.

This is so important. We may not have been perfect in marriage or DB'ing but can rest easy knowing we did everything possible to save our marriage and keep our family together, both for ourselves and if/when our children ask someday.

So sorry Scott. D Day is tough…but only as tough as you make it. Six years is a long time to be worrying about a divorce and then anticipating one. At least that part is over with. Focus on your kids and all of the gains you’ve made in self-improvement and growth. This won’t change and will set you up for a future relationship…not the one you thought you would have with your W but with someone who will be appreciative of you and everything you have to offer.

You are no longer living in limbo which is a really good thing. Open up your mind…and your heart…to the world of possibilities that await. I guarantee that a few years from now, you will look back on this time and be amazed at how far you have come. (((HUGS)))

Thanks Steve. I really appreciate the kind words and Taz, sorry auto correct corrected your name.

I do think Wayfarer had a great point though. Her first post was poignant. No little girl dreams of her fairytale divorce. There is an emotional reckoning with the finality, even if you made the decision. Sometimes we make a decision where we feel we have to choose between two hard things. I think that was Wayfarers point and I really appreciate the perspective. Thank you wayfarer.

And as I mentioned, I disagree with her second post, but by no means does that mean I’m right. I just disagree. Love you all and thanks for your support!

No you are a typical male who at times is selfish and can lack empathy and compassion. Like most males accept for Wayfarer's grandfather. Right Wayfarer? lol

Now that he's read "Gottman, Brene Brown, 'The Lost Art of Listening', and studies of the enneagram" I believe he has a leg up on the typical male or female in the empathy department.

But yeah, of course his sometimes is normal and human. (:

Same. I've also admired their great philosophers and apologists--e.g., St. Thomas Aquinas.

Traveler - I appreciate you actually reading up on the subject. You now know more than 99% of Catholics. And I completely agree with you that its complex and nuanced.

The first passage I found, in a book that was recommended here, was 1 Corinthians 7:15 that gave me peace.

This was in a Dobson book called "Love Must Be Tough". In it he talks about letting a spouse walk if they walk and knowing you can have / will have peace. That was actually big for me. It helped me to let go.

Interesting Scott. I'm a believer in feeling what we feel in the moment. I think it is further sign of emotional growth that you are okay alone. A lot of people aren't. We see it all the time on this forum, fear of being alone. It causes LBSs to jump right into a new serious relationship before they are ready. I think its really good that while you have a longing, it is not consuming you. I've said before that I think LBSs that jump right to dating apps and swiping left and right, either before the D is final, or immediately after, have something missing that they are trying to fill. The sad part is that means they are setting themselves up for another heartbreak down the road. I think one of the dumbest sayings ever is "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". That literally gives me the heeby jeebies to hear. Its like drinking to dull pain. It is just masking the pain. When it is all said and done, the pain comes back.

So I'm glad to hear you say what you said in your last post. As I've said before, you're a example of a LBS that has put in, and are putting in the work. And you're going to better for it. You didn't take shortcuts, and therefore when you're ready the world will be your oyster and you will attract high quality potentials because of it!

BL42: You said "My view is we did make vows and lived together for 7 years as spouses and had two kids together, so it's silly to pretend a marriage never existed."

I'm going to make an assumption, based on your interest in the topic, that you are Catholic. Our faith says that a marriage cannot end. So, if your marriage ended, it could not have been a marriage by that definition - at least that's how I think of it. And I would hope for myself, that I can actually enjoy a real marriage.

So I think the value of discovery in the documents and discussion with the deacon or priest is helpful to do an autopsy on the "marriage" but there is also some grace in having the marriage annulled. I just spoke to a friend the other day who went through the process and got an annulment and he was happy I'm going through it. He said it really helped him, brought closure, and lifted a spiritual weight.

Consider it.