Summary: ExW & I (late 30s) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S6/D3). Less than 2 years ago we were vacationing as a family in Disney; two weeks later BD & discover her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc. I was home putting the kids to bed and getting them ready in the morning while she's out running around on me. Affair w/OM1 blows up when work & OM1's wife find out, but instead of working on the marriage she starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). We separated 17 months ago and the divorce legally finalized 7 months ago. She's been living with OM2 for over a year now, and bought a new house across the street from his sister.
I'm doing much better than a year ago. I have a fantastic family support system and good friends. I was always a great dad but have dedicated myself to being their rock, again excelling at work, coaching S6's sports teams, playing sports myself and lifting at the gym with a friend, started a grad degree and aced my first semester, projects around the house...etc. Made it a point not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - but really haven't done much there since the D either. Still have points of anger I'm dealing with in terms of ExW and OM2 living with my kids.
Getting advice here in "Surviving the Big D" on name changes, child support, and various relating divorce topics...
So...it happened. I turned 40 over the weekend. Yikes! I don't feel old, but there was certainly a time in my life when I did consider this age old ;-) LOL
Some of you may remember I was cooped up last year in my house COVID-quarantining with the kids for my 39th. We celebrated with a small cake, candles, and ice cream delivered to our front door via InstaCart. That was actually kind of nice in a way, very intimate...though by the 17th day of having a then 5yo and 2yo within 20ft of me 24/7 I was getting a bit bunkers! Haha.
Anyway I said to myself I'd go all out this year for the BIG 4-0...throw a bash with all my friends and family or even fly to the Caribbean for a vacation, but with COVID uncertainty and honestly with life moving so fast those plans didn't come together.
Instead I took the kiddos on a weekend getaway out of state. We sat front row at Disney on Ice. D3 (in costume) was enthralled by Elsa, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Minnie Mouse; S6 couldn't get over Maui and actual the fire on the ice. We then stayed overnight at a huge indoor water park where D3 took seemingly endless runs on the kiddie water slides and S6 went round and round the lazy river, shot hoops in the pool, and couldn't get enough of winning tickets for junky prizes at the arcade. My sister and niece even traveled down for an evening visit before we left on the trip. Birthday weekend was a huge success. We made some great memories :-)
I never expected to be a divorced 40yo single dad, but I'm striving to make the most of it. Overall life is actually pretty good. Sure I'm working through my emotions surrounding my sitch, but when I look objectively so many aspects are going great. I'm blessed with two wonderful children, fortunate to have such supportive family, a solid crew of friends, good health, a strong career and finances...etc. Not too bad.
My life is mostly kids and GAL. After my birthday weekend with the kids I was fortunate to also spend time with them Mon, Wed, and Fri during ExW's week. Then a very active "off" weekend. Friday evening a bunch of guys got together for our simulator golf league and then took me out for drinks afterwards for my birthday. Saturday AM gym work out, followed by ice skating in the afternoon, then dinner & drinks, sim golf, and playoff football games in the evening with two buddies. Sunday I went skiing by myself most of the day - struck up a conversation on the lift with a few folks- then watched football in the evening. My now-40 year old body felt a bit worn down by all that! The kids came back to me early due to weather and I flexed out of work yesterday for the MLK Holiday and we had a blast sledding both right in my yard and at a popular local hill. More good times & experiences with S6 & D3.
Not only does it sound like you're killing it on the kids and GAL front, sounds like you're buidling a nice little post D life, that's the goal so well done!
Originally Posted by BL42
No updates/progress on the dating front. Finding very few OLD profiles with any promise, and even those I am potentially interested in don't seem to respond. I read some advice on Ginger & LH's threads; maybe I'll start my own discussion here at some point. The setups friends have mentioned have not come to fruition, and while I have a great career working remotely does not lend to meeting anyone in real life.
Take every opportunity in real life to approach women you find attractive, say hi, strike up a normal conversation like they are a normal person....because they are. You will get rejected more often than not but who cares! I have had great success just meeting people in normal settings, I don't think I'll ever go to OLD now.
Well done with the Christmas Eve/Day and week. It sounds like S6 and D3 had a wonderful time. And so did Dad! Love hearing how D3 is such a daredevil.
You’ve got a wonderful family my friend. The work for you is letting go your old definition of family and embracing (and believing) the new definition.
Originally Posted by BL42
So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.
Yes, a very common fear. Let it go. That fear will not serve you, and keeps your focus more on what you feel you lost than what you actually gained.
As special as the time is spending it with your kids, it is just a special for them spending time with you. Oddly, and albeit unwished for, this situation can/will (depends upon you) make you and your kids relationship even better.
Originally Posted by BL42
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night.
BL, you could. It’s ok, you chose to snoop. We’ve all been there. Realizing, and owning, this choice allows you to choose differently in the future, if you want to. “Couldn’t help it”, will ensure you remain powerless. Be the captain of your ship and destiny.
And “but” is justifying your actions as well.
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bitand snoop at this finding late last night.
Originally Posted by BL42
Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.
I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that.
Yes, she is crafting her narrative. Her reality. Almost no one is the villain in their own story. Combining and reconciling her version with real feedback from life leads to confusion. That usually leads to more justifying, denying, projecting, etc. Eventually the WAS/WS starts to own their path and choices and this external display of seeking validation lessens and ceases. Then the inner work really starts.
Originally Posted by BL42
But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.
BL, do not get drawn in to her narrative.
Of course you weren’t perfect. None of us are. However, her problems are her’s! You didn’t break her. You cannot fix her.
Having the rug pulled out from under one’s self; being betrayed so suddenly; takes a big hit on one’s confidence. It takes awhile to find one’s center.
Originally Posted by BL42
The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.
You bet - it’s not fair. Who said life was going to be, or suppose to be, fair?
You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Acting/reacting out of anger will lead certainly to regret. Manipulation never works out well. We cannot see all ends, and you do not want the knowledge nor the responsibility of her life’s outcome upon your head.
Thoughts. You control those as well. Oddly, exploring this wee fantasy can lead to better loving detachment. One needs to understand the dark to understand the light. Just don’t get lost within the dark.
Utilize your imagination. Control your thoughts. Imagine her comeuppance and consequences come to fruition. Do really want a hand in that? Would you, BL, want that responsibility seared into your soul?
Life is not fair. You have the better end of the stick. By far! Never doubt that.
A divorce. A new house. A new man/family. A new employer. Within such a short span of time. Look at this. Read it. How is that something great? How is that aspiring? Who would strive for such a life?
Sin is a sin for a reason. Her life ain’t all roses. Give her to God and let go. Loving detachment my friend. And a big old heap of compassion.
Life is about the journey. Your journey. Positive begets positive.
Originally Posted by BL42
…if I'm practicing loving detachment then I shouldn't be wishing for let alone contributing to a negative outcome for her, but if I'm being honest with myself there's still part of me that's angry and hurt and would relish in some karma/revenge. Still have some work to do in that area.
A few things:
Stop practicing loving detachment and start living it. Like most things, mindset is everything.
The angry and hurt part of you will heal. It will heal faster if you do not tie it to a karmic revenge.
Being honest is awesome! You need to know accurately where and what you are internally dealing with.
Let go. You definitely do not want to contribute to a negative outcome for her.
However, and quite oddly, wishing for is not the same. Wishes belong to the fantasy realm. An outcome we’d like, and won’t truly put forth any effort into achieving. It’s a wish. In this case, validating what you suspect. Her reasons and bases of her new life choices is a foundation of deceit. And like sand it will crumble under the pressures of life.
Originally Posted by BL42
The truth is I would love to hear hear things didn't work out with OM2
Good. Honest. Now let it go.
Originally Posted by BL42
…and part of me would even like to play a hand in that, say by sending him and his family my evidence of ExW's affair with OM1.
I’m thinking this view/desire might be getting altered.
Originally Posted by BL42
To me, loving detachment is getting to the point where I'm no longer reveling in her setbacks or imaging some revenge in my mind, but rather be un-invested in ExW's successes or failures and unemotionally responding to them. It's not giving any mind space or time of day to her outcomes, not getting worked up about certain triggers, and having more grace in treating ExW with greater compassion (in the limited interactions we have).
Nice. Well envisioned. And imagination is the first, and a critical step in crafting reality.
You control you. What do you need to do to get here?
By the way, compassion has a component of indifference to it. You can live in Grace and hold XW accountable. You need not be friends; friends don’t treat you that way. Be cordial and kind. Compassionate and indifferent.
Originally Posted by LH19
One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.
What an interesting observation and inference.
I consider myself a rather enthusiastic proponent of forgiveness. My XW’s struggles have validated my views, and over and over again confirmed her tormented path. I am mostly heartbroken for what was once such a wonderful women to be brought so low. The fragility of the mind is truly staggering.
The freedom of forgiveness is incredible. Do consider the object you are forgiving.
Love the sinner, forgive the sin.
Most people believe you forgive the person. That places you morally above them, which is not a forgiving position. Love the person, for they are a soul. Lost, hurt, and in pain. Forgive their actions. Write upon the invoice of retribution you hold within your heart - paid in full. And let it go.
Forgiveness truly is for the one forgiving.
After bomb drop, I was so distraught I slept for only 90 minutes at a time. Night after night of terrible sleeps. One night, a few months after BD, I was blasted awake from my fitful sleep. My then STBXW was within a horribly vivid nightmarish hellish torture. The brutality and horribleness is beyond words.
I fell upon my knees. Right then and there. In the darkness at the edge of the bed. And I begged God to forgive J! I absolutely begged God! Imagine that. A scared frightened soul begging the almighty to forgive the one who betray them and their family; one who had betray themselves.
We can forgive actions. Only God can forgive the person or soul. And only God can judge their soul.
That’s my forgiveness. I do not wish upon her what I saw! I want no hand in that. God knows far more than I can ever comprehend, and I’ll leave her fate in His wise charge.
When you let go personal retribution or grudges or the need for karma; you are left with love. The world looks a whole lot different after that.
Like most things, mindset is everything.