Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - The divorce that won't end

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2924206&page=11

Married 28 years, he told me he wanted a divorce Mar 2019, discovered the OW in Nov 2019 and I filed the next day. He ignored everything and we were NC so I had to hire a new attorney. I've had 10 court dates over 18 months and I'm still not divorced.

My pre-trial was Nov 3rd and her ruling was reasonable but he doesn't agree so now I wait. I'm out of cash, have a temporary support agreement and if he wants to stay married then we will stay married.

I am however fretting over how much it will cost when he does decide to finish this.

It does to me! I think it's to do with this belief we have in Karma, consequences, whatever else we like to call it and our cognitive dissonance when it doesn't happen.

What I find interesting is, were you to grievously injure a person - even unintentionally, the civil courts expect you to pay heed to the damage you've done. Sums of money are paid to claimants to compensate for loss and suffering. The only exception in civil law here is divorce. There is no legal remedy for the loss and suffering inflicted like other civil cases involving damages. There isn't even an expectation on the WAS to apologise for any suffering they cause.

Marriages are a contract, but to be honest I'm not sure why we bother with them. If one of the partners in normal contractual arrangement breaks any part of a normal business agreement, they are usually held to account and made to pay in one way or another. This doesn't seem to apply to marriage contracts. I believe this is a consequence of no-fault divorces - which I am beginning to think aren't as marvellous as they first seemed.

I think that's why a lot of us resent the WAS (and APs) sometimes - particularly when it looks like they got away with detonating our lives (and those of our children) without a single shred of accountability.

I often think, though, that if one won the lottery after the WAS left, how much better we might feel about it?

It's nice not having to walk on eggshells all the time after a WAS leaves - I realized I was better off without him too. But it's natural to want karma to bite them in the you know where. Usually it does eventually because, wherever he goes, there he is. He can't leave his problems behind if the problem is inside, as it usually is. But being stuck in this protracted divorce is keeping you from moving on as you would like, as it keeps your attention in the wrong place. I hope he signs soon.

Meanwhile, try as best as you can to keep your focus on YOUR future. Imagine the best and brightest future you can. Live your best life!

I got my new fosters today. A mama cat and 5 kittens. It's impossible for me to feel anything but pure bliss with kittens.

I handled all the finances for 28 years but he spent money faster than I could juggle it so it was stressful. Today I paid 6 months in advance with CASH and I'm poor. lol

When I was here before I was in limbo. No longer trying to save my marriage but not divorced yet either. I didn't quite fit in but maybe I do now.

After reading a bit I think I’m still too sad for this forum. I feel good most of the time but I don’t have a life. I’m in hermit mode learning how to make myself happy. This has given me the gift of not putting up with bad treatment. I’ve straight up walked away from a few potential friends. If their presence isn't better than being alone then I’m out. This feels amazing btw.

I clung to my kids but I’m over that too. If they prefer money and gifts then so be it (they don’t). I no longer live in fear of being alone.

I live a simple life. I love my job. I read, watch tv, play on my phone, I have a bunch of plants, I got my cat back, I go to the gym or exercise at home. My house is decorated like a teenagers (lol). I’m debt free. I get to do whatever I want which is wonderful after 30 years of catering to another person.

My ex diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and convinced a doctor of it. I am happy to report I’m off those meds and I’m actually a peaceful person. All the horrible things he said about me were actually about him.

I want to date one day but for now I know I have nothing to offer. When I do date I want to bring the very best version of me.

I can’t wait until I actually am well enough to be here.

Hello kas


You’ve provided a fair offer. The ball is now in STBXH’s court. No need to focus upon it for the time being.





It’s ok. You’re allowed to whine.

Now, I’m pretty sure you know me and my striving to be, and see, accurate. Therefore, a few helpful suggestions.

I totally get being fearful of ending up alone. However, I think the fear is being lonely rather than alone. There is a difference. One can feel lonely while in a room full of people. And one can be content while being on their own and alone.

My hustle and bustle household of six is now just me. The four kids have all moved out and I live alone, aside from my two outside dogs. And I am not lonely.

Fear is a very real response to an imagined future. A future that is only a possibility. Fear is crafted and reinforced from the linking of our unwanted imagined future with certain triggers or events. Untying that link, dispels fear.

I’ve posted quite a bit on various strategies for uncoupling and letting go of fear. It is not as easy as just stop doing it. Fear lives mostly in our irrational realm. It exists completely outside of our logical and rational directly controllable self. A pure logic is devoid of emotion and thus knows not fear. That is different than fearless.

One of my favourite strategies is to rationalize our irrational coupling between future and event and outcome. Firstly, one has to acknowledge what fear is; that uncontrollable feeling of dread. To acknowledge its area of effect is within our irrational self. With that, we realize we can utilize our direct control of thoughts and actions to affect/craft/encourage/reinforce different links for those triggers or events. Like T said, you still have support of loving family and friends; pointing out a good positive future. And you are already re-linking when you imagine the good future without grouchy H.



Very nice to see you acknowledge and know what’s bothering you. And yes, feeling like your brain is stuck, does make sense.

Stuck and can’t get past it. (I’m going to point out some inaccuracies. Then you can see clearly and move forward easier.)

Let’s start with “can’t”. Can’t get past it. Nope. It’s, “won’t”. I’m stuck and won’t get passed it.

Your mind is always listening. What you say matters. Your mind crafts your reality, and it will make what you say - real. If you say can’t, your mind will ensure it remains impossible. And very few things are truly impossible. (Me becoming pregnant is an example. )

This speaking accurately really matter for that internal voice we all have. That story we tell inside ourself. If you think/say can’t, you’ll end up believing it.

“Won’t” is awesome. That very word and idea allows for change. “Won’t” puts you in control, its not left to fate or the situation or H or some other out of reach thing. You control you.

“I won’t” can become “I can” which becomes “I will” and eventually “I do” and “I did”.

It is also interesting your usage of being stuck.

Grief takes time to traverse. It is pretty clear you have angry feelings. And as you say, somewhat stuck. My opinion is two fold, the aforementioned believing in “can’t”. The second is your unrealized reason for your anger.

You state you are over the financial injustice but not over OW. And then vent about H’s luck and his charmed life of the last three years, and nothing about OW.

kas, you are over OW (from what’s written and for the purposes of this post). It’s H’s seemingly good fortune; his never having to date, never having to be single, never having to be alone; with which you are stuck. Not OW.

One needs to see clearly to find their way.

Seeing and feeling our emotions towards the real and intended target is needed. Then one can feel and let go.


Knowing what you are upset with gives you something that you can work on to make things better for you.

Notice all the “you” in the previous statement? There were four of them. Try say it while emphasizing each.

Grief is us finding acceptance which is emotional understanding. Grief is a process of one’s self. It’s about you.

You are striving to accept H’s good fortune. Let go. It matters not. Accept it.


Lastly for this post:


Not stupid at all. Your mind is listening.

There is nothing wrong with being single. In fact, remaining single is a very wise choice while embroiled within a divorce, and for a good year post signed legal finalized divorce. Much will settle after the divorce fades and the shenanigans of H are mere memories.

I am glad you like being single. And I know you don’t mean it’s stupid, but your mind doesn’t know that. Now that’s something to get your mind wrapped around. Lol.

Have a great night.

D

I let her? Really? Two financial planners and her lawyer could not stop her. She crafted the terms. I specifically told her to gut me like a fish. She was entitled to half of everything. My goodness she signed so many waivers.

As for moral, I didn’t stand in her way. I didn’t twist anything. I presented the financial information clearly. My pension clearly. Her half clearly. I certainly did not block her way or go against her wishes and purposefully prolonged things. She set the pace.

Mostly, my finesse of negotiating was to just STFU. She had half of everything. She threw it and her kids away. I caught them.

In my locale there is a mandatory one year cooldown / waiting period after separation before one can file for divorce. XW filed. Not me. It was a complete surprise to me. She demanded the already imposed terms. She again demanded herself no custody of the kids and no responsibility. She paid the legal fees. With the cooldown time passed, everything went before a judge. All without needing my signature. I was basically served a divorce notice. The divorce was ruled and passed six months later.

I didn’t let her. And I legally could not stop her. You remember how she demanded to have adultery charges filed against herself? That, is one thing I purposefully had removed from the agreement. I didn’t tell her. And she wasn’t happy when that tidbit came to light.

I inquired if I could contest my divorce. An odd inquiry for sure given the splitting of assets. I could not. Here, it is no fault divorce. One cannot contest or stop the process. Especially when they have nothing to do work with. It’s not like I would demand I don’t want the kids, make them wards of the state.

The divorce itself is unstoppable and incontestable. Soon to be ex couples can only squabble over things - money and kids. The uncoupling / divorce is not something either let’s happen. It only takes one to pay for it. Society is frighteningly efficient at progressing the legalities of ending relationships.

The immoral I was speaking of, is knowingly willfully purposefully delaying to place a financial squeeze upon a spouse to get more than a fair share. If the WAS is leaving an abusive R, and they have a fair deal, sticking around is only dragging themselves down. Abusing the abuser might feel good, yet it isn’t moral.

The ends do not justify the means.

The few steps I had in my divorce process, I took with my values intact. One doesn’t achieve a true positive outcome if they take shady steps along the way.

I truly do not wish nor hold out for karma upon anyone. Fate, God, the universe, will do what it will. I respect people’s right to choose. My XW, and OM, I respect their choice and free will. I can illustrate my perceived shortcomings regarding certain choices. Yet, in the end, each person has to live with themselves. We all colour our soul with the choices we make; with what we stand for, and with what we remain silent upon.

My life is gentle and peaceful. When I listen I can hear the divine. It matters not if others do not believe me, or in me. For God does.

D