Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

Hi all,

I’ve just finished Divorce Remedy, my wife dropped the “I don’t love you anymore” 4 weeks ago. I’ve been having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around all this, found this group, and have been hesitating about posting for 2 weeks now.

We’ve been together for 11 years, two girls 2 & 4. Wife had suffered a major depression episode a few years before we met. She’s always been very open and upfront about it from the start. The first years were a whirlwind romance, we were both crazy about each other and really enjoyed life in general. We loved where we were going as a couple and in our careers. We suffered a miscarriage, as expected that was rough on both of us. Wife went through what i’d call a minor depression, but seemed to pull out of it after I proposed and things were looking like they were lining up again. We got pregnant again after a year or so, it was exciting and positive. We bought a house, we decorated and planned everything together, we’d giggle when we’d see other couples arguing at Ikea, we’d just have a great time and get along great.

After girl #1 was born, postpartum hit pretty quick and hard. Things got difficult, the house wasn’t very fun anymore. I had a really hard time understanding how someone could be so angry and sad during such an amazing moment in our lives. I think I built up resentment during this time and lacked understanding, yet tried to remain supportive and split tasks and child duties 50/50. 50/50 never seemed like enough for wife. That first year was incredibly difficult and I struggled wondering if we’d survive through it. At one point, she asked for a break while we were still living together, we barely spoke for 4 weeks. I gave her space and waited patiently. We got over that and things got better after the baby turned 1. We got pregnant again when baby was 18 months, the second pregnancy was very difficult on my wife. The mood swings and anger came back just like during the postpartum. I felt she resented and hated me, however she couldn’t tell me why or what I was doing wrong. I assumed it was hormones and that we’d get through it again when things settled down. Baby 2 hit us like a wrecking ball, the first 5 months were pretty close to hell, no sleep, crying episodes lasting 3-4 hours every night, it drained everything out of us, we were exhausted and struggling to keep everything together. When baby 2 was about 6 months we went on vacation to Florida to meet up with her parents, we took a 3 day vacation between the two of us, on the first night she told me she didn’t think this would work out. Felt she lost herself through the maternity leaves and wasn’t sure if she still loved me. We’re Canadian, so that means one full year off work with pay when you have a baby. She suggested she be the one to take the full maternity leave package since her employer offered full salary compensation, while mine only offered 65%.

I took all this hard, however I remained positive thinking it was postpartum and we’d be strong enough to make it work once things settled down again. Once baby2 turned 1 and the effects of the postpartum seemed to be passing, I pushed for couples therapy. She hesitated saying she thought I just wanted a therapist to side with me and say she was the issue, that comment really hit me hard, I started to think perhaps this was way worse than i thought if she was having those kind of thoughts about my intentions. After a while she agreed, and while in therapy she realized my intentions were genuine, after 2 sessions we were already doing so much better, the house became enjoyable again. This coincided with the beginning of Covid. Throughout all the lockdowns and stress, we still managed to have fun and stay positive. We saw the couples therapist for 5 sessions total and were doing great, so decided to take a break from the sessions. However, my wife felt she still had some lingering depression, so she started to see her therapist from before we were together, she suggested antidepressants, and her Dr prescribed Lexapro.

The change in character was pretty quick at this point, she was in such a good mood right out of bed first thing in the morning, which was never really her thing. After a few months her drinking started to get very noticeably heavier. She always enjoyed a glass of wine or two after work, and the occasional heavier drinking on special occasions and it was always very manageable without too much concern. But it got to the point I started getting worried about it. She was making less time for us, and more plans with her friends to go out drinking while before there were different activities, now it purely seemed to revolve around going out at night with drinks involved. I started to read up on Lexapro and SSRI’s in general, and was shocked to see all the cases relating SSRI’s with divorce. My anxiety and paranoia hit the roof at this point. My character completely changed and I started to doubt my mental well being, I’ve never had anxiety or depression before and I’m 48 now. Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around. At the same time, my wife with the new found energy from the SSRI’s enrolled in University courses on top of working full time and also took a new roll at work that involved 2 nights of presentations and meetings, which left me alone with the kids on several evenings and weekends. My resentment started to build up, my energy shot down and I just wasn’t the same person anymore.

The past few months we’ve had several talks about things not going so well, I asked her to take a bit of a break from the courses and evenings working to balance things out a little, and I was faced with the coldest person I’ve ever met, her reply was brutal “this is me, i finally feel great, and i refuse to give up my projects”. I pleaded to keep some projects but let go of some, just so i could also enjoy a hobby and night out on occasion, and she shut that down. I had no idea who I was dealing with at this point, I suggested we take a break from the conversation and come back to it once we cooled down. I took a couple of weeks to really think about where we were and what we’ve been through as well as what I wanted/needed going forward, and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work. A few weeks later, I was feeling a lot better and we decided to have the conversation, this is where she hit me with the bomb that she wanted a divorce, this was the new her and she didn’t see how we could work things out. She claimed we’ve been struggling for 5 years and refused to acknowledge the difference between the postpartum and the antidepressants period. Completely ignoring the amazing time we shared before the kids and after therapy, pre-medication. She stuck to her guns and kept saying this is the best she’s ever felt and I should leave if I don’t like it. I retorted with saying, this isn’t you, its the medication that’s making you happy, but you’re just ignoring any issues around you and giving up on an 11 year relationship with two amazing daughters. She refuses to consider perhaps the antidepressants are altering her feelings like thousands of online articles claim.

I’m totally stuck here and at a loss. I just don’t see how someone can abandon a family and all the dreams we had in such a short period. She refuses to speak to a therapist or make any changes. Any advice or experience with SSRI’s and antidepressants would be incredibly helpful. Thanks for reading!

If you are talking about saving your marriage immediately about 5-10% after bomb drop in which the person actually means it.

Yes
Maybe but 99% come to this board to save their marriage
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and in my case I was the only one willing to try.
No I was pretty good at DBing but she had already checked out. Its hard to turn a ship that is full steam ahead.
I think there are a few out of thousands of cases on here.
Again by the time you get here your odds are very low.
Actually you did a very smart thing by dating lots of women to be sure.
So the resentment starts to build
Ok so what does fighting for her look like to you?
Ok so what does manning up look like to you?
The truth is you are probably right. You just have to convince her of that. The problem is the more you try to convince her the more she will dig her heels in to prove she is right.
Yes. Good luck trying to convince her that she's the problem.
Actually giving her what she wants isn't stonewalling her it is actually the most loving and caring thing you could do for her right now.

C,

I think what is being pointed out is that there are so many layers going on that focusing solely on the SSRIs is a mistake. I say this all the time and I think it makes people mad, relationships are not about love they are about value and right now your W sees it that her life will be better without you as her husband. Dig down deep and tell us how you contributed to how you got where you at right now.

costanza,
Yep. Though understandably harder when it's your W and the mother of your kids and not just some random Tinder date.

I completely understand. Your children are very similar in age to mine at BD. I won't lie it's been a difficult year for my kids, especially S4 (now S6). He's cried and been angry and had meltdowns. It [censored] to see. He does seem to have gotten better over time. I can only pray this won't impact them mentally and emotionally long term. You read things on both sides of it.

Unfortunately as you note it's totally out of your control. The only thing you can do - and MUST do - is be the best possible father to your children you can be. Be the strong, stable rock they need right now.

Nearly everyone on here recommends avoiding marriage counseling unless both parties are committed to working on the relationship. I only know that my case they were 100% right. ExW had no interest in it whatsoever. When she finally agreed she told me she wants a D in just our 3rd session.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I completely understand. Sorry man. It's tough, but you'll get through it.

Wow, that's awful news. I'm very sorry to hear that. I'll keep him in my prayers.

costanza - What are you doing for yourself? Any GAL?

Oh I forgot-- wanted to reaffirm what several posters have said here and I think is really, really important for you-- it does seem like there is a whole lot of you trying to change or control your wife's behavior, and this focus on her medications exemplifies that. You need to let all that go and remember that the only person you can control is YOU. This was very difficult for me. I wanted to fix my husband and wake him up and make him realize what he was risking, how could he do this to our children, etc etc etc. But I couldn't, because that was not my work to do. That was his path and there was nothing I could do that would 'fix' him. He had to come to the realization on his own that he wanted to end the A and work on our M. I couldn't force him into any of that. In the same way, your W is an adult human being and she doesn't need your permission to take anti-depressants or get divorced from you. Those are her choices, though you may disagree and those choices may be painful for you.

Something that helped me a lot in my sitch was "you can't clap with one hand." No matter how much I wished otherwise, I couldn't force my H to do anything. I could only control myself. And when I really understood this in my bones, I was able to really focus on myself, my boundaries, and what was best for me and my kids, without getting distracted by wishing for change that wasn't within my power to effect.

BL, awesome post. Just one point of clarification. Unfortunately in most places he cannot just kick her out of the house. He can kick her out of the MBR (if she is still in there). By packing her stuff up and moving it into another room. When she protests "While you are acting like a single person, and cheating on me, you cannot sleep in the MBR."

Yeah there is no sudden changes. No miracles. Either she will turn back slowly with a lot of time. Or she won't. My situation turned around in weeks, but even that was a slow change. When pressed my W was insistent that she still wanted a D. My situation was unique and had some unique dynamics involved. As similar as these situations can be, they are still all different.

"I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something."

This is what I was picking up on. Expectations will be your downfall in these situations. Avoid them at all costs. Have no expectations. Just assume she is going to continue on the path she is on and start working on moving forward with your life. One thing we know is that she didn't want to stay with the guy you were, maybe if you GAL, work on yourself, and detach she will be interested in the guy you become. But do not do it for her....do it for you!


People change. It is a sad reality of life. Some change for the better. Some for the worse. Your kids will be okay. Decent human-beings have resulted from worse mothers, so all you can do is be the best dad that you can be! I have a friend whose mom cheated on and left his dad when my friend was 10. My friend is best husband and father today because he despise what his mom did and wanted to be nothing like her. And, in fact, he would (and I assume still would) cut anyone out of his life that cheats on their spouse. He will not tolerate from friends or anyone in his family. So sometimes the impact, though it is a negative event, can be positive on the kids.

I can relate to your "contemplating separation" comment. Funny isn't it? How we humans don't want something sometimes, until we can't have it. In fact, that is the very dynamic that makes DBing sometimes save a marriage. As you start to move forward and she sees you are healthy, happy, fulfilled and doing fine, that might trigger in her a "I want him because I can't have him" reaction. Not guaranteed, but again the key is to REALLY start to move your life forward.....FOR YOU.

And I would let go of the antidepressant narrative. It is a red herring. I came here convinced my W's SSRI's were the cause of our issues. 4 year later she is still on them and our marriage is better than ever before.

Your hopes and dreams were just that because they relied on someone else. Those are never things you are guaranteed to make happen. For instance, what if your W were to die from an illness or accident? That would ruin those same hopes and dreams. We live in an imperfect world and hopes and dreams coming to fruition isn't always up to us. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it! So......

"Now the future isn't looking quite so bright."

Change this! Take control of your own life back and go make a bright future for yourself!


This proves the point I just made. When your dad eventually succumbs to this do you think he wants you moping around, sad and depressed? Or will he want you to mourn but then go on to an awesome life? I will pray for your dad, but it is appointed unto all of us to die someday. I will pray that you find peace with whatever the outcome is.


So, what are you going to do? BL said it, what are your GAL plans? The LBSs that suffer the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL. So don't be that guy!

I feel for you with the two young kids. So similar to my sitch, with S4 and D1 at BD.

I also wondered about the impact SSRIs/ADs were having on my ExW as well, as well as postpartum depression and her family history/trama in her teenage years. The thing about it is, whether they are factor on her mindset or not, doesn't really matter in terms of your best approach forward. You likely won't be able to reason or logic your way out of it with her; she probably won't listen and will more likely will push back or further away from you. Trust me, I get your mindset trying to "understand/reason/fix", but you're better off dropping your focus on the SSRIs and instead focus completely on yourself and the kids. Work on detachment, work on your 180s, get out and GAL...etc. Get strong and make yourself the best man you can be.

I'm a year and a half ahead of you. Hopefully you don't get divorced like, but I can tell you even if you do I'm in a much better state than a year ago.

A few quick thoughts from me.

I thought this too. My husband couldn't even tell a tiny white lie. Ever. Not saying your wife is having an affair. But new job, going out with friends, new school... I don't think you can necessarily discount this as a possibility. Just another word of caution about blaming all of her behavior on her meds. What you describe is all super common behavior for WASs. They all seem like strangers.

Two. I would set your ego aside and read what Wayfarer has written, closely. She's given you a important insight into depression and if you truly care about what your wife may be going through, I'd jump at the opportunity to learn more about what depression is like rather than just serve back anecdotes and google searches that bolster your previously held theories.

Three. From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation? If I have that all right, I'd take a deep breath and RELAX, man. Let her do the legwork on finding a place and moving out. You don't need to facilitate any of this. WASs are lazy (unless there is an AP pushing them, and even so those ones can STILL be pretty lazy about actually doing any work to get a D). The vets used to say she has given you a gift... the gift of TIME. You have this. Don't squander it.

Four. DBing isn't aloofness or stonewalling. It is focusing on you and becoming your best self. Not pursuing does not equal stonewalling. You can be pleasant and kind and polite, just not trying to rope her into conversations about stopping her medications and staying married. Do your own thing. GAL. Focus on your kids and being the best dad you can possibly be. Don't start R talks, but if she brings it up, listen and validate and DON'T ARGUE.

Five. As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

Not sure how I missed this! Wow.

costanza what would be the point of confronting her and saying that? Is the hope/expectation that she would say "Oh wait! I don't want to lose you! Don't do it!"?? That is not DBing. That is manipulation. That is trying to "scare her straight". And it would not end well. Even IF you get the reaction you would want, you could put no trust into it. Why? Because likely she needs you as Plan B. So her reaction wouldn't be a genuine "I don't want to lose you", it would be a "I am not ready to give up my safety net, so until I find something better please don't do this".

Secondly, even though you cannot count on her living up to the "we won't date until January" (which is a ridiculous agreement as stated previously), it is agreement you made! The new you should be living up to his word, no matter what she is doing or not doing. You are above all of that. That is the 180s and self-improvements you are making, a man of integrity, not spite and vengefulness.

Also, WASs LOVE when their LBS goes out and starts seeing someone else, even if they make a play to be against it. Why? It lets them off the hook. Many a LBS has stood in D court, and when the WAS' infidelity came up for whatever reason, the WAS quickly said "the LBS did it too!" And even if it doesn't come up in D court, it certainly will come up with family, friends, and someday your kids. "Momma, what happened between you and daddy?" "Daddy and I were unhappy so we started seeing other people." Now she may say that anyway, but certainly you don't want it to be true! So you stay above her deplorable behavior by being a man only a fool would leave. And threatening to date an old flame ain't that.

Fair enough, bro. But from what I've seen here you're barely willing to put yourself through minor inconvenience if W doesn't have an immediate response, so you better be very very sure about that before you commit to standing. There is a lot of swallowing your pride, eating sh!t sandwiches, and not allowing your ego to do the driving. If you're willing to actually sacrifice for standing, we're here to support you through that. But standing isn't easy. Neither road is but standing, in and of itself, takes a whole lotta of discipline and introspection. I personally don't know if you're up to that. But you do.

Nesting is a terrible idea unless the two of you can handle some very very strict rules and be ok with policing each other, which almost no couple who's falling apart at the seams can. On top of it in the event of the D why would put yourself in the position of be court ordered out of the house until she has a place of her own? She wants to leave she can leave. It's not your job to help her design her new life. You don't want to leave then you stay.

Standing is hard. It's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do if it's what you choose to do here. But you get to leave with the satisfaction that you tried, and wanted to try, and no matter how it ended you were willing to do what it took to repair things even if that meant doing nothing.

This has zero to do with boundaries. Do you tell a roommate when they can come and go? Do you tell them who they can and can't spend time with? Do you worry about what your roommate ate for dinner? Or who they ate it with? No you don't. Because you're not their keeper, or their parent. If you want to do this this isn't about boundaries as you are still thinking of them. They are not intended for your W they are for you. Physical boundary that I articulated my H could not sleep in the bed with me while he wanted to be sleeping with someone else. Emotional boundaries that I didn't articulate, no conversation outside of business: kids and bills, he was not privy to my inner life, thoughts or emotions even if they were about him, when I GAL'd I didn't announce where I was going or what I was doing, or with whom, I just made sure he knew he was in charge of dinner and pick up for the kids. I think you need a better understand of an IHS is or even a S because it isn't weakness to let your spouse live their life. It isn't weakness to stand for your marriage. It's weakness to let their choices affect how you live yours. It's weakness to try to control your spouse. It's weakness to try to trick them back into the MR. It's weakness to change things about yourself solely for the purposes of trying to convince your spouse to love you and stay.

What in the actual *&$@?? There is so much to unpack there I literally don't even know where to start. Honey, I'm going to need you to re-read DR like at least twice. And probably read through every single one of the newbie links again.

A revenge affair is all fun and games until it's not. And that's not counterintuitive. Every one who gets themselves in one knows exactly what they're doing and why they are doing it. They also are well aware of the fall out. But scorched earth feels good when nothing else really does. So let's not pretend it's counterintuitive. Let's be honest about what this is and then move the eff on.

If you choose to stand for the MR you are going to have to block that woman on literally everything. You opened a flood gate not a window. It's your job to close it.

I'll need you to be more specific about what you need guidance for in order to know what I'm suggesting.