I (33F) had a runaway husband (31M) who was cheating with his employee (23F). It's been two years since D-Day and life is very good for me! Our son was 15 months old at the time so he has only ever known that he lives with me and visits his dad for 8 or so hours a week. Their bond is not close because parenting has never been XH’s priority. I've always been honest and matter-of-fact with my son about the situation when he asks.
- Mum and Dad used to be married and live in the same house when you were a baby - We aren't married any more because Dad broke a promise to Mum - We don't live together any more because Dad chose to live in a new house - We aren't friends, but I'm kind to Dad because that's how you treat people even if you aren’t friends
This was satisfying enough until recently. We went on a short trip and stayed with some of my friends and their intact families. My son was naturally curious and asked for more information about his own dad.
- Do you like my dad? (I loved your dad when you were a baby, but not any more) - What promise did my dad break? (When you get married, you promise to love only one person forever, but Dad chose to love someone else) - Who did he love? (OW) - Do you like OW? (She's a stranger to me, but I'm glad she's kind to you and it's okay to be her friend)
He was happy with these answers. XH moved OW in to his house some time in 2020 (he didn't inform me, so I don't know exactly when), but according to my son she has always been present when he visits his dad. I'm glad there is another adult to care for my son, no hard feelings there as she's in for a rough time with XH if she stays with him, as he is abusive. It’s possible that they have recently broken up, as she hasn’t been seen for a couple of weeks, either by son or by me at pickup. But I’m not sure, and I’m certain XH would try to hide it anyway.
The problem is that XH is still very difficult two years after abandoning the marriage. We have a parenting court order, but X breaches it constantly. He creates conflict and involves our son in it. He lies and yells at our son when he asks innocent questions about the above events. He badmouths me to our son. He kidnapped our son when he was 2. He closed a door on our son's fingers requiring surgery in June and didn't inform me until 12 hours later. He took him camping in September and made him sleep in a tent by himself while he and OW slept in a trailer. During that trip, XH told son that animals would eat him if he left his bed. Safe to say that I do worry about my son’s wellbeing when he is with him.
We started a new custody schedule when our son turned 3, so 8 months ago. He went from 2 x 3hr visits per week to one night a week and every other weekend. Since he started spending more time with his dad, our son went from being content and secure to an anxious mess. He says worrying stuff like:
- My dad doesn't love me - My dad doesn't listen to me - My dad doesn't care about my feelings - I wish I had a different dad
There was a four week stretch in July when XH went on a holiday and wasn’t available for visits, and my son’s emotional state noticeably improved. But as much of a d1ck as my XH is, I don’t want to ascribe every negative behaviour to his influence, because three year olds can be challenging enough in their own right. But there does always seem to be a correlation between the visits and the behaviour.
A little bit about my son. He has always been highly, highly verbal, especially for a boy. He understands abstract concepts very well. His imagination is wonderful. He definitely has the energy of a little boy, and will run around with his friends all day, but really prefers to engage in small world play or ‘read’ books. In personality and temperament, he is very even-keeled, sunny, and tender.
However. The last couple of weeks, he has been overreacting to the slightest correction or instruction. Hitting himself, putting himself in time out, saying that he'll never speak again, he'll leave and never come back, he'll never wake up in the morning, he'll ruin himself?! I have no idea where any of this came from. He started crying when I told him to go to time out, literally ran to the other end of the house screaming ‘no no no please don't do this’ as though he was afraid. Then when I tried to talk to him about it, he hit, punched, kicked and bit me. He has never done that in his entire life. I'm really strict on never raising a hand to your mother. I barely even use time out these days as his behaviour is mostly self-correcting.
He’s been unusually defiant and aggressive at daycare as well. Bedtime is suddenly a battle, he’s crying out that he’s scared and then screaming in anger when I leave the room again. He had a night terror on Friday night, walking around screaming with glazed eyes, totally inconsolable. I’m concerned about the totality of behaviour and how completely out of character it is. It might be ‘just three year old things’, but it’s not the three year old I know so well.
There is no co-parenting with XH. Unfortunately, he is not solution-focused. If I raise this, he will use it as an opportunity to victimise himself and blame me. When he kidnapped our son at age 2, our son had spent maybe two nights away from home. XH took him to a random motel with OW and other adults an hour away and refused to answer my calls until 12pm the next day. For about two months after that night, my son would scream and cry at bedtime saying he was scared that his dad would take him away. When I raised this with XH, he told me I was a helicopter parent that had traumatised our son by making him dependent on me. Pretty sure 2 year olds are designed to be dependent on their mothers, right? And of course my son was dependent on me because his other parent had effectively disappeared.
I am just disheartened that no matter how grey rock I behave, or how much I try to protect my son, XH still acts so malignant, and manages to affect our son even with his limited parenting time. I’ve been reassuring my son that he is loved and safe, and nothing he can do will change that, and that we still love each other even if we can’t see each other. For the comments that seem to be designed to ‘shock’, I stay neutral, validate if appropriate, and thank him for sharing his feelings. The hurtful behaviour, I correct appropriately without physical punishment.
Other than that, I’m not sure what to do other than wait for him to turn 4!
I’m not interested in dating at all. When son starts school in January, that will open up a new world of social activities for me. For now, my preference is to spend as much time with him as possible while he’s still a preschooler because that time is so precious and so limited. If I had 50% custody instead of 80%, then I might be more motivated to get amongst it. I’ve focused on being a good friend and strengthening existing friendships instead. Teaching son the value of personal relationships and how to conduct himself in relationships is massively important to me.
My ideal relationship would be living alone together. No marriage, no shared home, no shared finances. Perpetual exclusive dating. Something like a verbal commitment up for renewal every couple of years or so. Since I don’t want any more biological children, I have the luxury of exploring the concept at my leisure. I’m excited about it!
