Summary so far: H asked for a D and after I kicked him out I discovered he was having an affair with an ex-GF. For a while I wanted to reconcile and we lived in the same house, but after time he moved to another state, he served me the divorce petition, I moved to a temporary place and we fixed up my dream home to sell it. His OW now lives with him and my dream house has sold and the divorce process is going to now pick up steam, so that is why I decided to move my thread over to the "surviving the big D" forum.
Friends and Family: My SSs are staying somewhat in touch and are off doing college things. My mom is very supportive, although she is not happy in her marriage so sometimes talking to her can be emotionally exhausting, but I learned to set some boundaries and that is helping. I have other family that feel that I should be happy that I am not in a relationship with this person they now hate, and they don't understand why I am still unhappy, struggling, stressed etc. If you look at the list of all the things not to say to someone going through trauma, they pretty much have said all those things to me. I try to not judge them too much, as they are helping me in other ways (financially) but it is still very hard to not be able to turn to your family members with the truth of the feelings you are struggling with. Most friends have been supportive and that has helped.
My emotional state: I'm still all over the place. I've been off of this site for a while. Some of it is just being so overwhelmed with getting house ready to sell, and moving, and working a lot of extra hours. Some of it is depression. I felt so strong at the beginning when my focus was on what makes a good relationship and learning boundaries, etc. But soon I realized that I wasn't really feeling better, and then on further learning and reaching for understanding, I have come to realize that I have some PTSD over the way my life has been for the last few years. I started to view parts of my history in a different light. I started to realize how it wasn't just that I had terrible boundaries, its that I was being gaslighted and manipulated and emotionally abused by my H. I started to question my whole idea of my marriage and if any of it was real...
But later, after she left, I started to dwell. Like, should I have made it appear that I’m all together and doing fabulous? That I’ve moved on. That I’m super okay. I’m not a good liar so even if I had tried to do this, I’m not sure it would have come off as truth. I also was not all fixed up or anything, so I surely didn’t look fabulous.
A part of me shouldn’t care that STBXH might hear that I am not okay. A part of me feels that after all that he has done, and is still doing, it’s not going to change anything anyway. I don’t want him back anyway. But a part of me also doesn’t want him to have any satisfaction that I’m still hurting after all this time. What ever ego boost that might give him. Then I beat myself up for the thoughts that I am even thinking about him at all.
I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing and hard. I feel so stuck in the muck right now.
The in-laws, a very sensitive subject to me as well. Most of my in-laws are still very much present, and the biggest reason is because I have always told them the truth, just as I taught this to my children as well. They are also always honest with them. Of course things are said that are probably not always fun to hear, certainly not when it comes to blood relatives, but if these people are sincere and mean well with you, then they will sooner or later fully understand what happened.
My FIL just sent me the perfect message last week. I had a hard time because EXH was sending harsh messages again and I vented to FIL because I know I can and he wrote:
You know I will always be there for you and the kids. Please, do not respond to him. Let him go. The whole family knows that you have done everything in your power to be there for him. Choose for yourself now and don't let him manipulate you anymore, because that is what he is still doing in the end.
This is from his own father who is the most genuine person I have ever met. I send this to you because this also applies to you.
So El, you did well to vent, don't consider what will or won't be briefed to your STBX, you did what was necessary for you and that can only be a good thing.
Hello friends. The move went very well, and I am still sorting and rearranging things and finalizing. The help I received was a huge blessing and I am not sure how I could have done it on my own. I also paid a little extra for the movers to move more of the boxes even though I could have done some of it myself one by one…but after doing that when I moved last year…well, I just don’t think I mentally or physically could have dealt with it.
I met many of my neighbors and received a warm welcome. I think this will be a very nice place to be for a while. I’m looking forward to settling in and setting up house which I’ve been unable to do while living in a temporary place. So that is good. And the course I want to take starts in a few weeks, so I feel a lot better about being able to manage that now that the worst of the move is over.
It is hard to get rid of some of the things I’ve wanted to hang on to. But I agree that one has to pick and choose and try to just keep what means the most. I also started getting rid of a lot of things that are no longer serving me…so in short overall it has been a positive move forward. And now that this move is out of the way, my IC wants to really start digging into working on things with me. I’m ready. I’m so tired of being stuck and low.
Anyway, I’ll write more later, but I find I am struggling to stay awake right now. It’s been a crazy busy week.
KML, luckily my XH hardly communicates. And most of the time it’s not too moody. At least at the moment. He rarely if ever calls on the phone. So I am lucky right now…especially as I’ve always loved his voice and it would get to me. I will keep your advice in mind if things shift.
I’ve been slowly getting settled into my new apartment, but it’s been difficult because I have also started my training course. I had hoped to settle more before it started but the aggressive timeline my family gave me to get the rest of my things out of the house I was living in really threw that out the window. And sadly, I can see no reason why it mattered for them. So it feels a bit controlling and also not very supportive. But I’m trying to just move forward because I can’t control any of their actions. But it’s hard because being in disarray does not help with being focused on training. It has added undue and unnecessary stress.
I’m starting to feel a little more settled emotionally in the sense that at least now I am living in a place that I can stay as long as I want, and the divorce is final and I have my settlement in the bank. So things feel a little more in my control. I’m ready to feel better and start living my life for me. At least more than I feel I was able to with those things hanging over my head.
I’m still doing IC, and it’s been helpful in dealing with stressors, but I struggle to feel like we are digging into the things in my personality that I want to work on or past experiences I want to analyze. My IC thinks a lot of this work is best accomplished when I am exploring relationships….as it is these situations that would manifest the concerns/issues/hard feelings. So, I am poking around on ways that I may want to start dating again. But I also am settling in and doing this course, so I don’t want to over extend my emotional self. But exploring is a good thing I guess.
I find that I miss my XH…at least the one that I had in the beginning of our relationship. I continue to struggle to understand how that one turned into the person he is now. Even understanding MLC. I also try to realize I will never have that answer in a way that make it easier for me to accept. I have accepted that I can yearn for the one from the past, all while realizing that the person is gone. In my mind, I try to see him as if he died. In many ways he did. But looking at this way helps me to feel more detached from this person he is. Luckily I don’t have to see him or talk to him much. I hope that if I do have to be around him again, I will be able to feel this detachment towards him. Only time will tell.
