Maika, you said something really, really profound in your reply to my post:
Originally Posted by Maika
I think that my wanting her to pick me stems from a total lack of self-worth and self-value. This is a bit of a long story but I've had an auto-immune condition since I was a lil kid and that completely destroyed my self worth and self value over the years - if I say more it'll be easy to figure out my details. That coupled with other family and childhood trauma added fuel to the fire. I never imagined that a woman would ever be interested in me due to my auto-immune condition and that was the case for most of my life. It's a condition that I cannot hide. I had some gfs here and there, but it never felt real to me, that someone would actually want to be with me. So, when exW wanted to be with me and marry me, that felt like out of a dream to me. I never imagined that a woman would find value in me.
I am still stuck in that rut of not thinking that I am worth anything. I am not an unattractive dude. In the past few years I've started slowly developing my senses around a woman being interested in me - something that I had never cultivated growing up since I never thought it would be a possibility. I know that there are women who find me a catch and intellectually I know that I have great value and I know what I bring, but emotionally and mentally I am not there yet.
So, part of what's triggered me here is that I want exW to see that I still have value and I am worthy of her time and attention, just like she did when we got together. And I know it's foolish but I think that's what's been a problem. I don't love her. I love the idea of her wanting me and thinking of me as someone with value.
Do you realize how incredibly self-aware and wise you are? It would take most of us a lifetime to uncover the reasoning behind our reactions and yet you spit that out in a matter of an hour to my question.
And now, based upon your self-aware response, I am going to gently ask you what steps you are taking to detach your self worth from your exW's opinion of you? And an even harder question: did your ex fill some holes of mothering/parenting love that you didn't get enough of as a child? Because until you open that closet of ghosts, you won't be able to fully detach from exW as the root cause may be way, way upstream.
I can't remember if you are in therapy or not, but your wisdom and awareness would make the therapeutic process very productive, is my guess.
I am also going to gently point out to you that you are looking for external validation for inner peace. A sh*t job, a just-OK home, a body that has fallen victim to pandemic languishing can bring us all down, but shouldn't define you. Only you define you. You are making strides here, attempting to get a new job which might allow some upward mobility in your lifestyle, but even if nothing external changes, you are still you. A great dad, a wise voice of reason on this board, I am sure you're a good friend, and you're smart and articulate. You have a lot going for you. Let those things fill you up right now. Because a new job isn't going to save you and a new house with a fancy pool isn't going to save you and a gorgeous GF who loves the heck out of you isn't going to save you. Only you can save you and I think you have the tools for this.
