No one knows what they’re willing to put up with until they’re in the situation. Unfortunately both divorce and recon are very difficult and wear you out mentally and emotionally.
Steve, you’ve always been kind and supportive. I’ve always appreciated that even if you disagreed with me you always supported me the best way you knew how. If you do that for a stranger I’m sure you do far more for your family.
LH, honestly you do respond differently to Steve and CW/Traveler. And just in this thread and multiple other ones, you come across like child abuse isn’t a reason to leave. And Sandy was a wayward and you didn’t go after her this way so that really can’t be the only issue you have with CW. So what’s the deal? Just need to make sure everyone that’s here and will be here in the future knows that CW left his wife so his opinions can’t be valid?
Good thoughts on the self-esteem/getting people to like you. I think you're right that it can play apart along with LH's loss of control theory, and several others.
The push-pull / work hard to get them back / dropping pressure & pursuit dynamics are certainly interesting and something I hadn't considered much before, but have given a lot of thought post-BD on this forum and other resources.
How are things with you and your wife? Are things still well? Any personal updates to share on your own sitch?
Things are great! We are empty nesters. We are partners. We are getting along better than at any other time in our R, including while we were dating. When we were dating we were terrible at conflict resolution, often freezing each other out. Now we talk through things. We work together. It is so much better.
No real updates to share. We continue to just try to improve as spouses each and every day. She is doing much better as a wife, I have done a complete 180 as a husband. And it is just working.
That mine ended without being interrupted is the big differentiator, and why I still sometimes struggle with the "what if" if I hadn't caught her in the EA stage.
"What evil lurks in the hearts of men?!" You know yours, but can never fully know hers. She didn't PA--she was interrupted. You didn't PA--you weren't interrupted. Makes sense you wonder what could've been. I've never EA'd nor PA'd, nor knowing been EA'd or PA'd. 80% that's my moral code and those I pick. 20% that's circumstances. I can't answer if under the right circumstances she would have PA'd or whether you would have PA'd. The key thing is you found out, you reacted decisively, and she was receptive. Quite the gift horse! Maybe something was watching out for you.
Oh I am thankful that it never got that far. For her and for me. Me probably more so. Yes, EAs and PAs are against my moral code too. I know that sounds contradictory, but sometimes I do not live up to my moral code. I fail. I did in having the EAs. One of the EAPs has contacted me multiple times over the years wanting to reconnect, and I have made it clear to her every time that is no longer an option for me. So I have improved in that area and refuse to ever let something like that happen again. My W has said the same thing, that she purposely avoids that. So I think we have both grown in that area.
As I said, there were moments during both EAs that it could have easily gone PA for me, but didn't for one reason or another. More than once it was me pulling back due that moral code. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was getting that thrill, that ego boost from it and couldn't quite end it completely. In the first one, I ended it. In the second, the EAP ended it.
Traveler, I agree that it was gift horse, and retrospect how it ended prior to PA is less important than the fact that it ended before PA. I think that is your overall point. But I truly believe that it was someONE watching out for US!
Sorry for the stream of consciousness type response! It helped me work through what I said earlier to just think and type.
Honestly, I didn’t understand why On OB’s thread when he said his bro cheated on his wife and his wife left you out of the blue when no one at all even mentioned the wife, you jumped in and said “let’s not forget, the wife left because a PA is a deal breaker for most” not one person even questioned her as being wrong for leaving and you just felt the need to make that grand statement.
I’ll be honest, you do mention it a lot. It sounds like a moral dilemma within in yourself and something you might be struggling with. You know just because it you exposed her, that likely stopped the inevitable. And your AP left you which never gave you the chance and you can’t say confidently it would never get there.
It’s kind of like when you aren’t a parent yet you have this grand list of things you would never let your kid do . “ my child will never have screen time when we are out to eat” next thing you know you want a peaceful dinner and your kid is chowing down happily on their chicken fingers and fries while watching their favorite show on your tablet abs you and your spouse are having a nice meal and conversation.
You will never know if that’s truly a dealbreaker for you until you are faced with it. It’s OK to change your views or admit “ right now I feel as if a PA would be a dealbreaker, but in all honestly, I don’t know”
Hey KitCat, same me (CW) new username. So glad you’re doing well! Hope the vet business and pet are, too. I totally got you leaving. I hope you found what support you needed.
I cringe at, “Still meeting up with ex for car sex” and “You were one of the worst DBrs I’ve seen here”. They’re comments that could be pulled off with the right tone and body language, but without that extra information, could be interpreted as judgmental. Sending that Valentine’s love in all directions—may words be kind, and interpretations gracious.
It wasn't the first time I told her that, but your point is well taken and it will be the very last time.
Traveler, I can always count on you to keep me in line!
I’m still pretty much a newbie here compared to many of you. But I wanted to add a few comments based on what I’ve experienced thus far on this site.
PROs:
As DB is not really out there promoting new content or new releases and there is so much other content out there, google is pushing it down. It’s the way google works, and keeping rank requires activity (linking/relinking) and or funds invested (keywords) and more. This is an issue, yes, but it’s not a sign of the lack of quality of this forum. It’s completely separate.
The forum is public so many more people are being helped than you know even if they have not joined the forum. I’m amazed when I see the number of anonymous users on the site daily.
There is so much value in seeing what others have gone through and these threads provide more than just glimpses like a book would. You can see changes over time as well as many more examples that you can relate to.
There are many of you that continue to remain on this forum to offer support to the newbies. This is hugely valuable. Newbies can support each other but that is different than the guidance that those who have come before us can provide.
CONs:
Sometimes the infighting over who’s advice is good or bad is a distraction. What is good for one is not good for another and vice versa. Sure, I’ve been offended by some of the advice given to me. And I have a feeling I have offended some others too. It is really hard when all we have are words on a page and we cannot see faces or sense the true emotion. It takes careful attention to try to read when one’s advice or 2x4s are aligned or not. I think seeing the responses to the others on the thread can help to show what advice style is working best for that person.
The fact that this forum is public is part of the reason numbers might be dropping. With the internet mining and lack of privacy, it is very intimidating to discuss your sitch out here with details that might lead someone to identify the user as you, and use that against you in court, in relationships, or whatever.
The forum program is outdated, hard to use on mobile devices and not slick like many other new options.
I’m sure I could come up with more, but that is a short list.
For me, this forum has been a lifesaver. I also wish I had known about it sooner. But no one really hunts down DBing book when things are going well. They find it when MRs are collapsing and may never be saved. So this site is really about saving ourselves and finding our own way. But that isn’t what the LBS is feeling when they arrive. You all have helped me to see that I must save myself. You all have also helped me to become a better partner for my next relationship. I am grateful. So very grateful. Thank you!
It helped me work through what I said earlier to just think and type.