I know w had seemed unhappy for quite a while, working from home at the kitchen table every day due to coronavirus. We have a small, 1250 square foot house in the city.
Also she's been drinking wine every night for quite a while-- years actually and it has only escalated in the last year. At least a bottle per night and more on the weekends. She also smokes pot every day and since she's worked from home, that use has escalated due to access. She's 5'11 and weighs 135 pounds.
We don't fight much at all, there is no physical or emotional abuse in the relationship, and so the typical, escalating reasons for a divorce weren't there. W left for Phoenix to stay in an AirBnB to think and work remotely and came back even more resolute about divorce. She's since left several times for days at a time.
The reasons she gave for wanting a divorce were vague: she "loves me but is not in love with me." She "doesn't feel about me the way she should." "I don't love you like a wife should love a husband".
When I finally got out of her specific reasons, they seemed petty. The ever present "I leave my bathroom too messy" and I never showed enough interest in her hiking hobby and "you are on your phone and online too much". All valid but things to work on, not reasons for divorce. She has refused counseling.
She told her friend that she has always done what was expected of her, never things just for her. This is a person who has never denied herself anything. If she wants to break a plan she does it. She's flakey. Maybe she felt internal pressure to become a CPA & thought it was a conservative choice but her family are simple country people and never pressured her. We got married because it made no sense not to! It happened automatically, was barely discussed. It was like "so this is definitely happening!"
Neither of us expected to eventually be married. We were in our late 30s when we tied the knot. To illustrate her "I do what I want" attitude -- once we drank too much wine on Christmas eve and she wanted to skip family Christmas the next day! We are both wild about Christmas and I just said "Are you crazy? No way we are going to do this!". She was angry about having to go and showed her butt the whole time and dank too much wine. This was a mostly out of character move, something she'd do maybe twice a year so I would always excuse stuff like that. It happened but not regularly.
A week later, after another out of town excursion, she had dinner with my best friend's wife, who is her best friend (our lives are quite intertwined. They met due to us. My brother married her other best friend via us). She came home steaming, and really laid into saying she "just married me because it seemed like the thing to do."
She brought up some old dating partner & then said that when I am gone, she will never even think of me, but she will day dream about him. This person is a dating partner who according to her "didn't give a crap about me". An unrequited love situation from almost 12 years ago. They dated about 11 months.
She also later claimed that she was never really, highly attracted to me.
These are accusations with mountains of evidence against them. For one, she was gung ho about marriage. For another, we were the most publicly physical couple almost anyone had seen. Many commented on it and were annoyed by it! She seems to have rewritten the history of the entire relationship now, colored by current "feelings" she's interpreted.
She later days that while sex with me was good in the beginning, it wasn't "to a level I had experienced before".
We have a jar full of wine corks that say things like "best sex day ever". She told me on more than one occasion that I was the best she ever had, spontaneously and on her own accord. I would never ask such things but also a man never forgets having such things said to him either.
She is insistent on divorce. I am pretty devastated! I love my wife, this is quite a shock and I don't even think I believe in divorce!
W has untreated and undiagnosed depression she's been carrying around ever since I've known her. Her mother died when she was 23. She remained away and distant through it to avoid seeing her mother go through it, similar to how she is now "running" here and there to keep from having to face me. This has been going on months and we have had a grand total of 3 conversations about this divorce. She is now moving forward with everything rapid fire like she is trying to break some sort of record.
W is extremely driven and successful as a CPA. I have always been very proud of her. It is insane the amount of bonuses they throw at her -- we've paid off our house.
Yet she still thinks of herself as a failure. She doesn't think she is smart. She thinks I'm the smart one-- I'm a college dropout! This is a person who made all "A's" save for two B's" in ALL of high school and college.
She had a somewhat bad upbringing in a small town. Parents were okay, One of the uncles molested her sister. Her grandfather impregnated his own daughter and a "slow" child was the result of that. She and both of her sisters excelled and got out of that situation. One is a teacher, the other also a CPA. Her father, since mellowed and quite a nice guy now, apparently made her think she was stupid growing up.
She thinks she is going to move to Denver, quit her job after her next bonus and start a new, exciting life in 6 months. She will cut her wine consumption down to a couple of glasses a night for a month, pat herself on the back, read a few self help platitudes, and tell herself that she is working on herself. I know her. She will repeat these same cycles elsewhere with others.
I made excuses for the wine due to her high functionality.
I stopped drinking during the week with her at least 2 years ago. My use was 2-5 beers a night and I was just getting too fat and knew it was bad for me and that I had to stop. I stopped during the week and it carried over to just drinking much less overall even when I do drink. I turned 40 and was just ready to be done with that and to be a good example for her, but I think she took it as me not engaging in one of her hobbies with her!
I get the idea now, knowing her for a while that she is energized by novelty. The new part of our relationship worked for her, the engagement-- also new and exciting. Then the marriage, the first two years were wonderful other than her over drinking. These last two-- my father dies, I get hung up on security and paying things off. She says two years ago is when she first started having these feelings about me. She told me this after I blamed things on Coronavirus.
I feel like she uses novelty like a drug. I joke that she thinks every night should be like a concert. She doesn't know how to cope through boredom.
She can be extremely selfish and is skilled at justifying it. I know depression causes deep reflection and rumination. I'm not sure if it is the cause or the result of her depression.
I suspect MLC because, well in the preceding months she said several times, flippantly "I think I am having MLC" and "Is this all there is?".
Ex wife finally admitted to the affair at the girl's trip. She is living with him in Colorado.
Affairs are acts of anger -- she has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since she's avoidant, she hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve her resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists.
Once people have affairs, they initially feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if she's not a bad person, then the reason she did a bad thing must have been because you drove her to it, you made her do it, and therefore you are the bad person and she is the victim.
Once she gets there, she'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why she will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because she's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
Her friends are finding out they’ve been being duped over the last months believing her manipulative lie filled narrative. It will be interesting to see what they do.
Originally Posted by LeeChild
This person who used to communicate so clearly, and wisely, about everyone else's issues, who had ZERO patience for any infidelity in the lives of our friends and family, has been lying about her own affair for months.
Oh yes, they become the opposite of who they once were. It is incredible how driven they are to such transformative feelings. Irrational pressures of past unrealized traumas and pains surge upwards to the fore and consume them.
Originally Posted by LeeChild
At this point, there is finality. This person is, in a very literal way, totally different. I can't imagine anything she could do or say, no scenario in which I would want to forgive and reconvene the relationship. Now I am mostly just sad about the deterioration of this human being armed with the knowledge that this abominable union she is in, is doomed-- the proverbial slow moving train wreck.
I do want to email her and just rip her to utter pieces now that I have nothing holding me back-- but I know how futile and ego driven that is. Still, it seems like she thinks she just played all this perfectly and really "got away" so to speak-- and she did literally "get away".
Her life is most likely a slow moving train wreck. Yes, most do feel like they got away with it. It’s the high from their life at the moment. Fate, karma, her comeuppance, it will come. No need to watch or wait for it. Let her exist in her creation. Exist. She’s not living. Believe it.
It’s is very nice to see your wisdom shinning with your awareness of your ego’s want for vengeance. It is most true, ripping into her is futile, ego driven, and very short sighted. You feel good for far shorter a duration than you even imagine. Stick to the better path.
To that end, the better path, some advice. And by the way, like everything, it is for you and your well being. Not to spare XW; that is just a byproduct of the good path.
Originally Posted by LeeChild
…just rip her to utter pieces now that I have nothing holding me back.
You have you holding you back. Your wisdom. Your rational self. Your worth.
You need not saddle yourself with remorse from harsh words towards XW. She won’t listen anyhow, and you will feel bad.
Be better not bitter. Be the best version of yourself. Besides, if you really want revenge - live your great life. Years from now, she will absolutely regret leaving such a man.
Originally Posted by LeeChild
I can't imagine anything she could do or say, no scenario in which I would want to forgive and reconvene the relationship.
Lee, uncouple what you said. Uncouple how you are looking at this.
“…no scenario in which I would want to forgive and reconvene the relationship.”
Forgive and reconvene are two separate things.
Fine, you do not want to reconvene.
Quote
I can't imagine anything she could do or say, no scenario in which I would want to forgive and reconvene the relationship.
However, you need to work towards seeing, imagining, forgiveness. That is completely for you. Forgiveness towards XW is for you!
Keep forgiveness separate. It’s part of that good path. Walk in the light and with Grace. Better not bitter. Compassionate. It is so worth it. And so are you!
Originally Posted by LeeChild
All of this is just so strange. Does anyone ever REALLY know anyone else.
And on top of that, do we even know ourselves?
Truly knowing another. Yes and no.
We have knowledge, history, trust, respect, and faith in them and yet something unknown can rise from the depths and obliterate the one we once knew.
I find it is not so much not knowing them, for we did know who they were. For years they behaved and demonstrated characteristics and qualities that were good. Qualities we loved and cherished.
It is the future we cannot know. We do predict based upon past and historical actions. We have faith and trust in our spouse. Yet, they become this other person. This opposite of our loving spouse.
It’s an interesting question and an even more interesting answer. We can know, and did know, our spouse. We don’t know, or didn’t know, the changeling they turn in to.
Like most things. It depends upon one’s viewpoint.
Do we even know ourselves?
Within the crucible the true test of a person happens. We do learn, find, and know ourselves. A person’s true character, values, and convictions will surface in such extreme conditions.
Do we even know ourselves? Absolutely!
However, it’s what happens next that is the important part. Do we grow and become better with this knowledge and understanding of self? In the quest for that answer, is when one REALLY knows themselves.
Walk in the light. Life journey is what matters, not the destination. How we walk the path is much more important than where we get to.
Knowing, comes from past history. We can only know ourselves from our past. Our future is thankfully unknown. As the future becomes the past, we keep discovering more and more of who we are. Strengthen that which serves. Create that which you aspire to. And alter or discard that which you don’t desire.
We know ourselves from our past. We learn about ourselves with every single passing present moment.
