Fierce Gerda! You are truly a role model. I love the thought of that L crying. KML, thanks for sharing this site! I feel like you could be a financial planner yourself. D, I would love to share some shortcake with you. Eagle, thank you so much for the encouragement. I am on my phone and need to go back and properly re-read your posts. I can’t quote now since I’m starting a new thread. I will always be grateful to bttrfly for helping give me this heading. It remains my north star. Sage, I’m thinking about you and wondering how you are. Kindly, you too. (May, your thread is over 100, but I hope you are well think of you often. You too, WF.)
Gerda, the financial planner I referred to before actually happens to be a CDFA. He is the one who I spoke with briefly last year, who said don’t give up the pension. He seemed to pick up on the fact that I was feeling especially unworthy and tired and ready to be done with all this and wanted to shore me up. I’ve reached out to him for some help figuring out numbers (I’ve never talked specifics with him before), and he asked two questions I’m not sure how to answer:
“Did he provide you with what the monthly community property interest would be for the amount you would be entitled to, at retirement? Secondly, did he provide you with the present day value of the contract? In other words, what that future value would be in present day dollars.“
Do you know if there’s a way I can find this out on my own? I can talk with the CDFA about this when we set a meeting, but maybe all of you smart people can guide me beforehand.
I think about all of you, my friends, here often. It's because of you I've been able to get through the last two and a half years and am still standing, if exhausted. I thought I would update when something of interest happened, but I couldn't summon the energy to log in. I wondered how you were all doing. I imagined each of you healthy, happy, situations resolved, finally (especially you, Gerda!). I sent loving kindness in your direction. And then today, I thought I should log in and say Happy Thanksgiving, and tell you again how thankful I am for your support.
Two updates for me: A month ago, my H finally had his L change from an annulment to a D. That was progress. Of course, his L messed up the two-page document a couple of times, and it took much longer than it should have! My L is now convinced H's L doesn't know much about family law, and that we will have to serve discovery in order to get H to just complete his disclosures so we can finish this D. He's on his own timeline, though, as always, and I don't feel at the moment compelled to spend my dwindling L money to escalate things in that way, especially as there's not much left to negotiate: H recently told me he will be moving out by the first of the year. The things I spent so much time here worrying about--losing the pets, the house--seem to be off the list of worries. It does seem that this timeline of H's, though at times agonizing for me, has slowly allowed his anger to dissipate, though the blame and unwillingness to do any self-examination remains.
He hasn't accused me of anything since I last posted. We say hi and good morning, and that's usually it. Every once in a while he says or does something that reminds me of who we used to be together, and I am sad. Same with his moving out--I've longed for it and still I know there's going to be more grief, even as I am ready for this. Another stage of letting go, moving on. Now and then I'm still surprised that someone you've spent so much of your life with can be gone from your life just like that. Of course, he's been gone, if still present, for two and a half years, but the sounds he makes about the house are still familiar, sometimes a strange comfort.
My promotion finally became official. It looks like the new year might be a new start in many ways.
D, Gerda, may, WF, bttrfly, kml, Sage, job, Eagle, PLC--everyone here!--Happy Thanksgiving! I will always be grateful for you and will always wish the best for you.
((wayfarer)) Thanks so much for stopping by and for your support shared with me and so many others here. Eagle, you are always welcome to write to May on my thread, as is anyone!
Reminders from both of you: Answers will reveal themselves in due time. Don't stress too much about timing.
H texted to announce he's moving out by the end of the month and he's starting to move next week. Maybe my boundary pushed him along a little. We'll see if it happens this time. I've been in a slight stress mode making arrangements for my trip during a crazy busy time at work, and now I'm choosing, for the second time, to delay this trip so that I can be here with the pets while H (maybe) moves out. I will enjoy being away more if H is actually gone from the house anyway. L gave me the go ahead to re-sign the lease in my name, so, either way, that's a step forward. By the time L sends the letter regarding disclosures, H will be gone (or he won't, but he's getting that at the first of the month for sure!).
I've come a long way in becoming financially independent and in just plain feeling like I can handle stuff on my own, yet there's still a tiny part of me that is anxious about taking the remaining expenses on, nervous about how the moveout might go. A natural response to change and uncertainty. Of course I can take care of myself; I've been doing that for quite some time now. I suppose this is where I thank these feelings for trying to protect me and stay the course with no expectations. Greet each day as it comes. Focus on what I am thankful for. Gratitude has had a really centering affect on me lately. One of the good things that comes from difficult experiences like the ones we've all had, I think, is that we know we can survive. Or eventually, I hope, we come to see and believe that.
I'm also thinking it might be helpful to remind myself here that even if H does leave, even if/when I finally have a safe space for myself, I might not feel that space in my body right away. Or that feeling may come and go. I might find myself egg-shelling for a while, and it's okay if it takes some time to work through that.