Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty"

edited to add, I forgot the Title should have Part 4 in it. Can someone fix this?

Link to Part 3 https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63182&Number=2914996#Post2914996


Last year when WW was in an in-house separation with me (she is now living with OM) one of the things I would hear her say was "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" whenever I told her what she was doing was wrong.

I learned the hard way that you cannot reason with a WW. Even throwing truth darts doesn't penetrate their mental armor of self-justification. It just makes them more angry.

Now that she's gone and I have time to think (and yes I do GAL and other things as well), I am trying to fathom out how a wife and mother who had good morals can suddenly go wayward with no time in-between the transition. While the resentfulness had been brewing for a long time, the transition seemed to happen instantly - as if she got a software downgrade overnight.

Sandi mentioned that a WW's morals vanish and for how nobody knows. My WW has thrown everything away including moving to her dream house in her dream town. She now lives outside the school district. It's like everything that used to be important to her is no longer relevant.

I get the kids all school week and she has long weekends, and is more or less a nanny to OM's kids.

I think there is some guilt there deep down because someone told me she hasn't posted any pictures of herself and OM. I blocked her on social media ages ago. For some odd reason, she still has our wedding photos on her FB account.

How long is a WW able to live this delusional fantasy without feeling anything?

No one is saying for you to change this.

So let her be upset.. but for you to call her about it won't change anything. And it seems like it scared you so you did following.

Yeah and tried to control it. But you can't. Even though you called - she could still tell the kids that. What you CAN control is still visiting them regardless of what mom says. Did your daughter say she didn't want to see her family because of what mom said? Did she say that family visits now stress her out.?? How could you have handled that differently??


Are you familiar with Gottman and the 4 horsemen that destroys communication. It doesn't include cursing.


You made it her business when you called her to talk about it. Don't you see that? It could have just been an upset feeling... but you took it so much farther.



My hope is to see that you could have stayed true to yourself without showing your XW anything. You could have continued on the trip w/o engaging in a conversation at all with her. You could continue relationships w/o saying anything to her at all. You did not need to send that email - you could just live it in daily interactions.


I am asking how you feel you were being morally right and fair (the meaning of righteous). Is it morally right to tell someone what they deserve?
You get to be upset with what she did to you. You get to create distance and protect yourself w/ boundaries. There are great books to help you communicate them effectively (a complete 180 from how you currently are). Unfortunately you do NOT get to tell someone what they deserve in this world. It is one thing to say it out of anger... another to believe it at it's core. Which do you feel is true for you?

I hope you can find a safe way to process all this pain. I truly understand how hard this all is...

(((D )))

I echo what others have said. I think you are still too deep into your anger and resentment and it’s affecting your judgment and your end goal here which, at the moment, seems to be punishing your W. Look… I get it… my XH lied to me for years, had more than one affair, moved out when I found out about his activities and got engaged (now married) to the last one before the ink was even dry on our separation agreement. I have plenty to resent him for and feel righteous about (interesting word I never use). But the thing is Dr… that does nothing to change the situation…it only hurts me and ultimately hurts my kids for me to hang onto resentments. I’d be lying if I told you I don’t still have my bouts of anger on occasion but when that happens, I process it by coming on here and writing about it. I don’t say anything to my kids and I don’t call up XH or start sending him angry texts or emails. All that would do is continue the conflict and ultimately hurt my kids and they’ve been hurt enough already. I keep my interactions with him and OW (his wife now) very cordial and pleasant and when I do, I feel like a better parent. Yes, I could be a total b*tch to them and some would say, justifiably so, but that’s not the person I want to be and that is not the person I want my kids to have as a role model. They are watching you Dr… what are you teaching them? You may not like what your W did, that’s understandable, but she is still their mother and children need to have a positive relationship with BOTH of their parents. If your W blows that on her own, that’s one thing, but if your anger with her is putting them in the middle and making them feel like they can’t love her or spend time with her without betraying you, that is extremely unhealthy for them. Do not put them in that position.

Also…in the future… I would refrain from confronting your W about information you hear from your kids. My kids have said things to me that have triggered me for sure. When that occurs, I deal with my feelings quietly and I get on with my day. I want them to feel like they can say anything to me without having to worry that I’m going to get angry at their dad. That wouldn’t change anything with respect to XH but it would definitely harm my relationship with my kids and erode their trust in me. That is the last thing I would want.

Know this Dr…there will come a time when your hurt and anger will not be so present in your life. If you follow the advice on here and successfully navigate your grief, you may even find yourself happier than you were before this all happened. When you finally get to that place and you look back on how you handled everything, what do you want to see? What do you want your kids to be able to say about it when they are adults and think back to this time in their life? Do you want them to remember an angry, resentful guy who took every opportunity he could to punish their mom (that’s what you sound like here) or do you want them to remember a guy they had a lot of fun with who rose above the situation and did his best to protect them from all of that? If I were you, whenever you find yourself reacting and feeling those resentful feelings, I would ask myself that question before I did anything else. Choose better not bitter Dr.