Summary so far: H asked for a D and after I kicked him out I discovered he was having an affair with an ex-GF. From my previous summary, not much has really changed in my situation other than I am moving forward towards the big D. H has been living at home in the basement but also away at times, of which I suspect with the AP/OW. He seems to be sure that he wants to move on and hasn't shown any change. I have accepted that I do not like or trust the person he is right now. In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was. It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him. But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore. And, financially I need to protect myself as he continues to spend money and he is hiding things from me that affect me financially. He has agreed to sign an agreement for some funds he has spent, but I've not received that yet. Either way, I've been making preparations towards the D process and am in discussion with a lawyer.
Friend and Family: Everyone is still in shock and it doesn't sound like he's been communicating with many of our friends and family at all. He's sort of off in his own la la land and is avoiding anyone who questions what he is doing. Step-son is still coming over, and I've made accommodations to have him in my temporary place, meanwhile his D (my H) is looking at jobs in other places and not even considering how this impacts his son. At least until he goes off to college.
My emotional state: I'm all over the place. Some days I feel very empowered and other days down in the dumps. I think the limbo of the situation has affected me, but also, I'm ready to get it over with (rip the bandaid off the wound); I feel it will allow me to put the full focus on myself, heal and move forward. I am doing a lot of GAL things, taking a financial course, getting my life organized, relaxing and spending time with friends, and doing self care. I do get numb on occasion and sometimes still depressed, but generally I feel empowered and people tell me I am doing pretty well. I try to embrace all the feelings as I don't want to ignore them. I'm also starting to journal and hoping that will help me. I'm still looking into a new person to see for counseling too, as I feel that will be important. I actually have a lot going on and trying to juggle it all.
I guess that is all I can think of to put on here today to start this new thread.
I’m glad your week away was relaxing. The truly relaxed state is quite rejuvenating.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
DnJ, you say wait a year to date. I don't disagree. But if we are separated a year and the divorce drags out a year, etc, etc, who wants to wait that long? I certainly don't want that. I do agree that you shouldn't until you are ready, and I think that should be the guide. You have to commit to yourself to spend the time on the work and on being happy alone. If you have done that and feel you are ready then you could be ready. I do feel that I will also find some healing in my next relationships too. Avoiding them isn't the answer...doing the work on yourself I think is. So I plan to do that first, and I hope I am already doing that. But I am not going to stop meeting people if it comes up and an interesting option comes around... That's just me.
I get it. Who wants to wait a year or two or four. And that is kind of the point.
However, I didn’t say wait a year to date. I said, do not date for at least a year post divorce. That is not waiting around for the timer to expire then go dating. Life is meant to live.
I absolutely agree that one should not date until they are ready. That is actual beyond when the feel ready. It takes time to heal and get to the place where you know and believe it!
Yes, your next relationship will help with healing. And that next relationship is a most interesting one. One you’ve been within for a long time. That person is you.
Past the limbo, through the PTSD, codependency, and such, is a different landscape. Find the new world, breathe the fresh free air, for you are so very worth the effort.
By the way, there is no one way fits all. No “the right way” through all of this. You know your situation best. I’m just passing on some of my views and values. They may resonate within you or not. They may fit or not. It still is, and always has been, your choice. And I support you.
