Today marks 13 years from when my ex told me he wanted a divorce and he left the night he dropped the bomb. No I’m house separation, no second thoughts, no forewarning, it was simply the end of my marriage and my family as I knew it. He was planning to go live at his sisters that night , but I called my dad to come get me and my daughter. I scooped up my sleeping baby girl and we never spent another night under the same roof again.
And here I am 13 years later, with a 13 year old daughter, who happened to be born on the 13th! Must be my lucky number.
This day doesn’t really affect me anymore. I mean, it does for a second, because I always remember it, because I’m one of those weird people who remembers the date to everything. I think there is actually a name for that.
Which brings my to UR’s post. I still have dark moments. Crazy thoughts still come in my head from time to time like the one about what a man who did what he did thinks. It’s a dark thought that crept in. I know it doesn’t define my worthiness or what I think of myself. Those thoughts thankfully leave as quick as they come. I did have a dream that brought that on. I think it was couples with the fact they will be celebrating their anniversary on April fools day.
Am I ready to date? I don’t know. I actually think I am a more emotionally healthy person than most people I know and they are coupled. But perhaps what I want to attract is a higher degree of emotional intelligence and maybe I’m not putting that out there yet. For now, I do continue to do what I can with friends, keep exercising, working on my house, and doing what I can. If someone wants to hook me up, and I am quite flattered my friends came to me wanting to hook me and one wants to hook me up with her best friend S’s who passed away a husband. That’s pretty humbling.
I don’t know that I am ready for the mean cruel world of online dating though. But I don’t know I am always a work in progress and forward moving even if I still have dark thoughts. I am honestly scared to date. I don’t know if I have the energy anymore to put into dating what I want to get out of it. I also know I want to move in 4 years. But I also know I am so lonely for a partner and intimacy. It’s a tough one alright.
My cousin sent me videos our other cousin had of me and my mom. I have never seen a video of us before. And in this one, my my has her arm around me, she smiling and laughing and we gave eachother a kiss. And I lost it. I haven’t cried about her in a long time, quite honestly. Sadly, my memories of my mom are not all that loving. But this made me remember what was really deep down in her soul. She did love me. She was just too broken.
Anyways, I have my dad and his wife coming to stay with me for a week on Thursday. Please pray for my sanity, lol.
I never mention today to anyone IRL what today is on the calendar and how my life as I knew completely blew up 13 years ago. But man am I proud, because I couldn’t see myself making it to 13 years later. And here I am
