I saw this heart-wrung cry from a WAH who suffered debilitating remorse in his old age in a UK newspaper column. It's heart-breaking. As much as I am saddened by the breakup of my family and the pain our child has suffered from our divorce last year, I pray that my XH will be happy, that nothing like this will be inflicted upon him.
*** ‘The vileness, stupidity, and sheer horror of what I did have never left me. I lost my family, my home, my mental health and my career. 'Sure I got on my feet in the end — established a new career and re-married a caring, decent woman… ‘We have had some happy times but now as the indignities of old age begin to afflict us, how sad is it that I cannot and will not forgive myself for the pain I inflicted and the loss I incurred, even though my ex has happily re-married and my children have forged lives of their own. ‘Retirement hit me and no longer being part of that great flow of activity which is the world of work, my mind has allowed the ghosts of the past to return. 'So strong is this “acid rain” that even after years of therapy, I weep most mornings for the loss of sharing my children’s childhood and the gross insult to my ex-wife. ‘Why on earth don’t we as a society follow the Ten Commandments and manage our lives in a wise and cherishing fashion rather than blundering into disasters? ‘Surely in a column that so often preaches forgiveness and kindness there’s some room for a few words of comfort to the fools that we are . . . the millions of men who go through this vale of tears carrying such an awful backpack of regret and remorse? 'No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages is so much higher than for first. ‘No wonder my wife and I are no longer close as the acid rain has worn thin the relationship we have tried to build over the past 27 years . . . and I am also in mourning for our “new” love which remorse has made me trample on, and practically destroy.’ J asks me for some comfort; all I can say is that I do pity his ongoing anguish and wish for him some peace at this stage of his life. The fact that he expresses himself thus makes me respect him; forgiveness is possible only when people are truly sorry for their wrongdoing. Although I see no point in his self-flagellation and wish he would let the past lie, there are those who say a guilty conscience will go on tormenting forever, for very good reason. But I can only wish J well."
I did not want to post, I think, also because I felt the site needs more successes, not failures like mine. I now realize that people can learn from failures better than successes, some of the time. And so long as I tried, I can exit with my head high, in honorable love. There must be a note of triumph in that, a whiff of the laurel wreath, no?
I consider your story a success in that you came through a tremendous ordeal that you didn't ask for, didn't want and remain hopeful with love in your heart. You became.
