Hello, I'm new here. I could never have imagined I'd find myself here, but like the rest of us here I am.
On Monday 4/6 my W informed me that: A) Our marriage doesn't work B) She wants to file for divorce C) She has developed feelings for someone else, a mutual friend.
P and I have been together for 14 years. We've been married for 2 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple but things had always seemed to turn for the better and we would moved forward. Now, looking back at the 6 months prior to D-day, it's obvious to me she was trying harder than usual to convey to me concerns about the health of our marriage and the degree of her unhappiness. For reasons that I can't even explain to myself I seemingly failed to sense the true urgency of our problems. Maybe I recoiled and felt I was under attack. Maybe I thought this storm would pass like others prior. I can't understand why I was so self-absorbed/oblivious as to not hear her 11th hour attempts to fix this marriage. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself and feel as though I spent 6 months breaking my own heart as well as hers while not even realizing it.
If she wanted my attention she got it. Unfortunately it would seem that at some point btw the beginning of March and mid March she burnt out, gave up, saw no evidence that things could ever improve to where she would find happiness and as a result, emotionally disconnected from our marriage and myself. It's my understanding that it's typical to not realize this event until the day the bad news arrives.
I'm 57 and this is actually my first marriage. P is 54 and it's her third though her 2nd was only for a few months. P is an RN but also moonlights singing in a local band. The OM is also a member of that band and is 72. Their friendship had been innocent and platonic, the three of us often went out for dinner together. Then seemingly out of nowhere at the beginning of April it went beyond innocent. As I had had a ringside seat for much of this buildup I can see where the two of them obviously got along well as friends and as musicians, but I never thought this was possible. I feel like a fool.
I move out this Sunday. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I blame myself for not being the attentive person I thought I was but clearly wasn't. I wish I could go back 6 months and knock some sense into myself. I love my W and now that I've awakened there is nothing within my capacity I wouldn't do to try to fix our relationship. As is often the case however, it would seem the opportunity to do that will not exist. It seems like I'm dealing with a trifecta of WAW, an exit affair, and possibly limerence. Clearly this will be an uphill battle and not one I should hold out much hope for, but just 32 days into this I feel like I need to try. If this is over, and it sure seems that way, I'll feel better knowing I did everything I could once I finally awakened to how bad things actually were.
I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to chime in on some of your thoughts, because I felt very similar at times.
My wife has said many of the same things your wife has said, and also made some attempts to discuss problems in our marriage prior to having an affair. I certainly did take her for granted and I will own up to my mistakes. I had many days where I was just so mad at myself.
However, it does not justify her having an affair, if she was that unhappy then she should have just left, or continue to try and work with me on the marriage. The problem is she did have an affair, and deep down I believe she knows it was not the right thing to do. So then she starts with the justification, saying all the same things your wife says, we weren't right for each other, etc. Anything to justify the guilt. So I've come to the realization that I can't continue to be mad at myself, the past is the past, I'm still hopeful we could build a new future, but I have to just be happy with myself and know I'm a good person that will continue to have a good life with our without her.
My wife also started looking for a home with affair partner, after only 7 months, and that's not even 7 months of seeing him full time. She is still married to me, he is still married, we own our home together. It makes no sense at all to be looking for a new home, and yet she is. She has also said she wants a divorce, seen a lawyer, etc, but here we are, 7 months and not divorced. So my point with that is, until she actually files the paperwork, it's just words. Keep following the advice of all the pros here and at a minimum you will come out of this a happy person ready to take on the future, but you might also come out of this saving your marriage.
