Recap: 6-7 years ago my M was suffering and I couldn't put my finger on it. Around 6 years ago he got caught hanging out with OW, a (close) mutual friend of ours. It had been an 8 month long EA. I felt crazy and volatile. Things became emotionally explosive for weeks and one day I told him if he is not 100% committed to our M then to get out. To my surprise he did. For 10 months he was off in lala land having full blown A with OW. Our circle of friends blew up and I was humiliated. During this time I hit rock bottom. My father had died shortly before BD, my eldest D was a troubled teen (Bipolar) and we had to send her to wilderness & therapeutic boarding school out of state, and the double betrayal was too much. I lost 35 lbs, couldn't eat, sleep, think or function well. What got me through was a deep seeded belief that humans are resilient and that time is only moving forward. I knew that eventually things would recover and that I would be okay. I also had some wonderful and supportive people in my life.
I found this site and read often but didn't post. I developed a deeper and supportive friendship with OW's LBH, who was dealing with the same betrayal. I still didn't handle myself well and wasn't able to follow DB rules. Over time I did get better at GAL,180s and started to detach. Most days I felt like I was faking it. I did eventually stop contact and pursuit and would only email him about kids/finances. I think we were both able to protect our younger kids as well as could be expected. I wasn't able to shake my rage and devastation tho, which I am sure he knew. He often acted like a wounded, guilty puppy. He was less arrogant and cruel than what I have read here about WHs. I started to drop the rope and imagine a life without him and our family home. I started to get better at hiding my emotions from him. Turns out his A was all drama and not the kind of R he had wanted initially. After around 10 months he did a very fast turnaround. ... Now, I firmly believe you have to let them go before they come back.
I had conditions, but I accepted him back. He had to end things with OW and go 100% no contact. I needed proof and 100% transparency for all devices. Weekly MC. He would not move home until we were both ready. He also needed to continue to work on himself and accept responsibility for the damage he caused. He read the No More Mr Nice Guy book which fit him to a T! Even tho I was the person that wanted the M back more during the separation, I definitely have struggled more with understanding it and more so forgiveness. He has been consistent and patient in his commitment to our M and family in the last 5 years.
He has now been back in the M for over 5 years. It has been bumpy and messy. There have been times that I have seriously doubted if it could ever work in the long term and if I made the right choice. We did MC, we did our own IC, we attended Retrouvaille, we had the same conversations and tears. He has genuinely apologized and felt remorse a million times. I would say that my biggest obstacle has been myself and my feelings around his betrayal. It is not something I ever had thought I could understand and I don't know that I ever will. I do believe the man in front of me now is a good man, H and father. I think that is more important than our mistakes in the past. I have made mistakes too, I just haven't shared the details here. .... After BD, we often hang on to them so tight, but really, we are hanging on to the idea of them and what we had. When they return, the initial relief wears off quickly and the real person in front of us is tarnished.
I haven't updated here since January so I thought I would pop over and say hello. I don't have much to share. I would say life is going well for me and my family. Kids are getting older and we now have an adult on their own, an adult in college and one kiddo still under the roof. H and I are fine. I would not say we have much excitement or romance but I am also not looking for that or trying to create it. Not right now anyways. Most days we get along fine and have a peaceful life and household. I like the stability and friendship we maintain. I try not to take my M for granted and am grateful for what we do have.
I have lost track of my timeline at this point. I could not tell you off the top of my head when his A started, when he left and when he starting coming back to the M. I would need to look back at my threads or find another way to trace back some dates. But what I can tell you is that during my sitch, I NEVER thought I would get to the position that I am now where I have lost track of time. I was so consumed with my own thoughts, fears, anxiety, humiliation, etc, that I could not imagine a life with him again where things could be peaceful and okay. I couldn't really imagine any life. I was simply trying to survive. I can tell you today from where I sit that humans--all of us--we are resilient. We are so much more capable to get through trauma and grief than we give ourselves credit for.
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you all. What I realize now is that I actually knew it all along, I just couldn't or wouldn't accept those truths. I would often tell myself, "you won't feel this way forever," and "this terrible feeling will pass," and also, "your life will be okay again with or without him." I knew what I needed to know inside but wasn't ready to hear it. I know now that I was right all along. I am okay in my M but I know I would also have been okay without it. I think working through the trauma and allowing yourself to process and heal, really does make you a stronger person. But there really are no shortcuts or ways around that. We have to feel it and face it. It takes so much longer than you might think. Years and years. But also, I think it is worth it. We are both stronger people now. I like myself more than I did before. We are all capable of change if we are willing to do the hard work.
