Hey guys, it's been a minute, not sure why the spirit moved me to log in but I did so I'll ramble out an update. Life is great, busier than ever and digging it. Work is jamming, the kids' schedules are insane and the social calendar is pretty packed. I love it all. I see the ex alot at kids' school and sporting events and it's all good. We have done a bunch of holidays together as well and it's all good. All business.
As for the dating life, it has been nothing more than casual hookups/dates which has been working good for me and my busy schedule. It's pretty much been going as it always has during the single periods of my life, keeping it casual with different women rotating in and out of my schedule, until the universe decides to drop a special one in my lap that merits some movement toward monogamy. I'm feeling open to it when it happens but I don't pursue these things, they just happen in my experience. I was surprised to have a feeling of openess to monogamy sooner than I thought after BD, but given the fact that I was checking out of my MR about 5 years before BD, and its been 3 more years since then, that's a total of about 8 years without a real satisfying intimate R. That's the longest stretch I've ever had by far.
I remain thankful for the vets on the forum for hearing me out and letting me rant on and giving some great tips and affirmation. I have always felt a little like a fish out of water here in that I was never really looking to save the MR and was really turned off by the W's behavior, I think I was more looking for a place to spew out my thoughts and experiences. Aside from the immediate aftermath of BD, involving IHS and telling the kids which sukked, life is so much better now than the last 5 years of my MR. I mean waaaay better.
I have to concede I suk at weighing in on other people's sitches but there is a better possibility of me responding to stuff on this thread if there anything about my sitch that raises a question that someone has. Not exactly how it's supposed to work but's that all I got right now. Hope all you good people are well and trending upward!
Hey BL thanks for checking in. The kids are doing great and really haven't missed a beat throughout the entire time. They get great grades in school and both are also heavily into sports. They both have excellent friends from wonderful families. Zero behavioral issues beyond the normal kid stuff.
I think there are many factors that have helped. My ex and I live about 5 minutes apart so transitions are quick and easy. The kids have their own rooms, that they decorated, at my house. It's a nice neighborhood with a community center/pool and they already knew kids in the neighborhood which helped. They have everything they need here and at their moms so there is no packing of suitcases etc.
We do alot of (but not all) holidays together aka with my ex, usually involving mutual friends also, and it's all cool. My ex and I both do school and sport events and it's all good. No BS or weird vibes for the kids to pick up on.
We have a set custody schedule splitting the weeks in half, same days every week, which so far has been working great. I'd say about 2/3 of the year we run the same set schedule, and the other 1/3 is modified based on vacations and other events that call for some flexibility. It's been almost effortless to make modifications. It really could not be any smoother, being flexible is key.
I'm pretty involved in the kids lives, lots of talks, adventures, hang time, games, etc. I try to plan more stuff involving the kids' friends coming along for the ride as they are getting to that stage. My oldest is getting to the point of wanting more alone time in the bedroom or rec room which is normal and will probably only increase.
I know it's normal to be worried how the D will affect the kids, it's the cause of alot of concern, and if you make the right moves and have the right attitude I think things can be really good, not ideal from the kids' view but still pretty good. The whole thing about life is that it goes by fast and before you know it the kids are gone. Enjoy the ride and make it fun for them and connect with them and it will all be good.
Well quite a bit has happened in the world since I last checked in. I hope everyone here is healthy, which is by far the most important thing to have.
My D sitch remains stalled, now due to the courts being shut down temporarily. I'm looking forward to getting the process done. I hope we can get the system back up and running next month. My W has not filed some documents and don't get what the hold-up has been. I'm not going to speculate, it doesn't matter, I'm done.
This virus has certainly put a damper on my dating life! My thoughts are on the health of my family and everyone else as we battle this thing collectively. That's my focus right now. Hopefully we will get back to some semblance of normality before too much longer.
My R with my kids has been getting stronger and deeper the past few months. It's always been good, but it has gone up another level. It feels incredible. I'm very lucky because they are amazing kids.
I wish I had more time to chime on others' sitches. Even with the virus my work has remained very busy. I am wishing for strength for everyone here who is hurting. We can all improve ourselves, we all need to work at one thing or another, so do the work. It will feel great. The better you feel about you the more you will realize that you are deserving of a great R, to be treated well, with love and respect, and giving the same. Don't let complacency keep you in a state where you don't improve yourself, and don't let fear motivate you to pine for a spouse who is treating you poorly.
Your value is not determined by your spouse. It's not determined by anyone but you. When you know you are a good person, and a good catch, and are always on the road to improving, doing the work, you set your own high value. That leads to an inner strength that you will feel and so will those around you. High self-worth and inner strength are two things that will help through your sitch and onward into an amazing future, even if you can't see it now.
So the courts are slowing re-opening and L says we'll have a hearing date sometime in the Fall. No response from W to my proposal that was sent to her about 7 months ago I think. She thinks very highly of herself as a tough negotiator. There is nothing to "win" at this point, but I suspect she will try to find a way to score some sort of point in her favor to make herself feel better. Always been that way. I have never had a problem using the word "no". But we'll get to a deal. Not many issues left on the table.
Kids are doing just amazing given the back and forth 2 house thing. I can't imagine how that feels. It's really the only thing that is a lingering bummer about my sitch. I am closer than ever with them. We are more connected than we have ever been and I am a better dad now than before. I am feeling just great about my R with them. I can't lie and say that I don't get an occasional pang of being down because of the 2 house thing, just feeling bad for the kids. They didn't ask for this sitch. I don't dwell on it, but the sadness of it does hit me sometimes. I don't deny it or downplay it, I want to feel it, it's real. But it's short-lived, I power back up and get on with life, which is overall a very beautiful thing.
My D is oh so close to being finalized, I am just waiting on W's lawyer to send over some paperwork. If it looks acceptable, it will go to the judge and that will be all she wrote! Just as a brief recap, I have 50/50 custody, zero child support or alimony, and we are both keeping our own bank accounts and retirement accounts. My W's parents helped her buy me out of the house and I got a nice chunk of money that will be a downpayment on my next purchase. I'm currently renting a house in the same town in a neighborhood that is zoned for my kids' school and they have friends in the 'hood which is amazing. It is also a very social neighborhood with parents (even with Covid ) so it's alot of fun.
Relations with the STBX are all business and 95% via text. There have been a few blips of drama due to her hotheaded nature, and I simply will not interact with her at those times, same as when we were together. "We'll have to talk about that later." Then silence. I have always believed that one of the most powerful tools is to refuse to engage with a person who is emotional, agitated and spinning. Even waiting just 1/2 hour to deal with the issue is massively beneficial to permit the hothead to cool off. It also allows you to avoid getting sucked into their whirling tornado. The truest manifestation of strength is control over one's emotions.
As for my routine, like BL42 it involves handling virtually all domestic tasks while the kids are at W's - laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc etc, including cooking - I cook multiple complete meals the day before i get the kids so i am not even bogged down with that when they are here. I have found that I need 2 nights to get everything done. It's a multi-tasking scenario and i will often listen to podcasts while i'm doing tasks, or have the music going. I enjoy those nights. So i then have either 1 or 2 nights free every week depending on the schedule. I make use of almost every free evening by being social in some way.
I tend to work longer days when I don't have the kids so I can call it quits a little early when I do have them. We have a different fun project that we work on every week so they have that to look forward to when they arrive. We have family game sessions, movie nights, family band sessions and a bunch of other routines. Outside of that, I have a four day a week workout routine and have specific chunks of time set aside to work on photo projects, researching purchases, reviewing investments, speaking with family, etc etc. There is alot to pack in but there is time. I think it was Bruce Lee that said people who value life do not waste time, because time is what life is made of.
I have had some ideas for posts that I want to execute but that will be for another day. I have also read up on many sitches here recently but not commented, but I hope to do so soon. To be continued.....stay well all.
Hey brother! Saw you posting to some of the newbies. How's life?
Things are great, thank you my friend. Popped onto the board and it seems pretty quiet these days compared to 3-4 years ago....
Guess I'll give a few updated details for the newbies sake if they stop by:
i'm about 4.5 yrs from BD and the MR seems like an alien life a millenium ago. I know I lived that MR life but it no longer seems real. i'm about 5,000 to 10,000 times happier and more peaceful since. No resentment or hard feelings from me, I really don't even think about it.
Lots of social settings involving kids friends and their parents w/my X there and it continues to be easy as pie. So many parents have commended me (and I'm sure my X too) about how great it is that we can hang in the same setting. We are almost always separated and talking to different people though, which is fine by me LOL. True to form the X still takes the occasional shot at me with a sarcastically "joking but not joking" comment whenever she can which I know is coming and I have alot of fun with. The last 2 i can remember, once i just stared at her for 3 seconds and then turned back to the conversation with the other people there and said "sooo, anyway" which got a great response from everyone in the circle, and the other time i just smirked and said "charming, as always". It's so much fun because she is so predictable.
Dating is going pretty well, in would say the biggest speed bump is my limited time, i am busy as eff. Haven't been stoked enough to settle down so it's been more of a revolving door scenario which has been been fun but feels like it's running it's course and I feel pretty ready to sink into something more serious. In my life experience those types of R's tend to fall into my lap when I'm looking the other way so we'll see if that continues to hold true.
