I thought I was doing okay. Really. The being ‘not okay’ is back with a vengeance. I’ve done the 180 to perfection (almost) but still his crisis continues and even deepens. He is slowly but surely slipping away. In the beginning he still wanted contact, but not so much anymore.
Same ow,,,the strength of that R is astonishing. It’s a long distance thing. He travels to see her all the time. At least 50% of the time he is with her. When he isn’t, he calls her constantly, even when both of them are at work. They spoke for over 90 minutes on Friday morning alone. This isn’t that u usual either.
I’ve been patiently waiting for this to fizzle out but all it does is get stronger and stronger. They seem to be the exception, not the rule. How on earth will he ever see the end of MLC when this R is so intense?
I miss my husband terribly and I’m tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I’m tired of pretending to him that I’m over him when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him.
I thought I was moving on successfully. Clearly I am not. The ache in my gut is always there. To lose someone you love to another person has to be the worst.
He had no intention to divorce but now his ow says he needs to end his emotional attachment to me. So now he is looking into a divorce. I think it’s really because she wants to marry him.
How do I end this h3ll Im in? Agree to the divorce and just let her have him? I can’t take much more of this.
Thank you DNJ. I do like reading your replies when I post. You said this:
“,,, acceptance is emotional understanding. We find peace and understanding of our loss and our emotions. Peace and understanding is not numb or heartless or unfeeling, it allows one to feel and love. And sadness is just one of the expressions of such; just wee slice of our time, the vast majority of our days being fulfilled with other facets of our lives.â€
Oh wow, yes! You put to words some vague thoughts I’ve been having along these lines. I’ve felt numb at times and it was a huge help to shield me from the worst of the hell I was in. Now that the numbness has been replaced by sadness,,,, well I’ll the take sadness over numbness. I finally found peace and acceptance through sadness but I doubt I ever would have if I had remained numb. The sadness is really a gift that brought me to the final stage of healing. I imagine over time it lessens but if it doesn’t I’m fine,,, I can handle it now.
A few days ago, my H once again invited me out for a quick lunch and to talk about nothing that really matters. I think this will be the last time I will agree to meet him. I don’t know what these meetings are doing for him but for the first time I see with crystal clear clarity that they do absolutely nothing for me. We have zip in common. Is it me that’s changed so much or has he been frozen in time? Or regressed? He engages in shallow conversation but then doesn’t listen or hear much of what I say. Then minutes later he will ask a question about something I said as if it’s a brand new topic. I can’t handle these shallow conversations or his poor listening now that I feel nothing for him. The interesting thing is that he wasn’t so different in this respect before MLC and it was okay with me. Now it is not. I think that means I have changed in big ways and for the better. Maybe this is the silver lining?
My XW and her OM are still living together after 4+ years.
Affairs are built upon a foundation of sand. These illicit relationships require enormous energies to maintain, for sand is a terrible ground for which to build if one desires long lasting. The underpinnings of that relationship slip and slide, and will poorly weather the storms of life. Consider from which it was crafted - lies, deceit, cheating, adultery, and such; hardly the stuff of a healthy strong respectful relationship.
Sand crumbles. The foundation can only hold a structure that is of a certain size. The adulterer and the affair partner are emotionally less than idea folks; usually quite broken. Their fantasy of a relationship may have lofty dreams and heights, and falls flat. They continuously scoop up the pieces and pack them together again. Eventually, this effort becomes not enough.
A few different paths can be taken:
One may grow and realize their lustful wayward ways and leave. Usually, this requires much drama, arguing, blaming, and so on. One needs to get fed up enough to actually leave. Yeah, I know, it’s not emotionally healthy; realize they’ve only grown a little at this point and require a self-induce shove to actual leave. If that person is our spouse/ex they might start walking a better path. If the affair partner kicked them out, then another affair partner is usually sought.
Both may just get tired. Affairs are emotionally poor choices. Each is using the other. One or two families are broken during the creation of this relationship. Ignoring such obvious truth takes considerable energies; part of that relationship maintenance I spoke of. People wear down. The shinny new exciting boink-fest becomes emotionally drab and distant. The obvious truth no longer capable to be hidden behind infatuation. Depending upon their age (and abilities to cope and heal): Younger one’s breakup and have another affair/running. Older folks wind up giving up and existing as a somewhat couple. Usually quite a sad couple; our once spouse winding away their remaining years haunted by memories of what once was and what could have been.
Remember many of these cheaters also get mixed up in other behaviours like spending, drinking, drugs, and other youthful-feeling-inducing activities (often illicit) to take the focus off their pain. The affair is just such a distraction. It is a symptom, which means little. And for those who continue to live such a life based in such little meaningful purpose, they do suffer.
At any time, a person could, and can, decide to live better. However, that requires a wanting and willingness to change. Suffering and hitting rock bottom is usually required for one to make such a life altering decision. The modern age is far too easy to distract one’s self from their suffering which does seem to prolong the process of self awareness. And can even stall it indefinitely.
Four years is quite a long time, and isn’t. For you, me, and other healthy rational folks, yes four years of a relationship is a pretty good indicator of relationship health. For those in emotional turmoil, not so much.
Most are simply not capable of the requisite emotional growth to form a healthy long lasting relationship. And to have both AP and our once spouse be capable of such growth at a similar time is quite rare. Not unheard of, just very rare. Hence, the tired sad couple outcome.
Less rare is an actual awakening. When such might happen is anyone’s guess. And people, especially MLCers, are a very chaotic system. There is a general pattern and probability of awakening, which does trend downward after a certain time. When/if one would awaken, and what they will do, only God knows for sure.
As a LBS, we live and love our life. Follow our beliefs and values. And give them to God.
Ha,,, so what do I know? Not much. After many consecutive days of contact, it just stopped. Last phone conversation was 12 days ago, last text 10 days ago, last in person contact was 2 weeks ago. I will conclude that this wasn’t a touch and go or a reconnection attempt. It was an act,,,to get my help with his investment project. I suspected that was possible at the time especially since he surprised me and paid me for my time and then some. It was a generous payment that I initially refused. I would have helped him for nothing. He wisely paid me though, so he could withdraw after it was all done and not feel like he had led me on.
I’m not devastated or even upset. I will carry on with my perfectly fine as it is life. I do wish him well though and I don’t regret the brief period of contact we did have.
Rose coloured glasses have been stepped on and destroyed. No chance they will work again. 🙂. I was invited out again last week and went, despite saying I didn’t think I would meet him again. It was similar to the other recent meetings and I’m a bit surprised at the increased frequency. I don’t think it means anything but I am somewhat curious if he is moving into another stage or closer to the end. Not that I want it to come to anything for us. It is a bit fascinating though, to observe things I was told or read about way back when he was deep in and I was a mess.
As Cadet mentioned, things will look much clearer without those rose colored glasses. Sounds like his mind is still a tangled mess of wires misfiring. His attention span is still that of a gnat. He can't focus on a conversation for very long. He is still a lost soul and is trying to find himself. Try to think of him as a teenager. Their thought processes can go a mile a minute and still be sitting there having conversations that are shallow.
Adios, you have grown by leaps and bounds. You have gotten stronger since all of this started and for now, your man/child is still out there in the woods searching for himself.
Leave the rose colored glasses on the counter. Sit quietly and more will be revealed in time.
