got the ILYBNILWY on 8/18/15. W went away the next weekend and started her full blown romantic affair.
I uncovered the truth 11/6/15 and blew the lid off it. W apologized and we began working on saving the M in earnest.
Things have been very good for the last two months. We attend MC weekly and I attend IC as well in order to deal with some of the feelings I've had after discovering the A.
We are communicating better than we have in a long time and are actively ML on a regular basis.
I've made so many changes to my own life and I continue to do those things. I've done a good job of setting boundaries with W and they seem to be effective.
I guess I'm just looking for advice and support on how to better deal with the piecing part of the recovery process.
I won't go through this again, so I want to do my best to make sure that I'm doing all I can do to make our new M a great one.
I know this board doesn't get a lot of traffic, either, but hopefully someone has some suggestions for me.
I have to say that life has been pretty good to me. Family has been a huge priority for us, and that has paid off.
I think the question people will have is some form of "Did you ever get over it?"
I think the answer is neither "yes" or "no" The reality is that a person cannot go through something like I went through and remain unchanged; trauma like that is something that changes you, for better or worse. In that regard, I guess you could say "no," I didn't get over it, so to speak.
BUT...
You find ways to cope, just like any other challenge or obstacle. There's all of this uncertainty and doubt at first and then you find this "new normal." You both put in the work and you start building the life that makes you both happy. It's called "piecing" for a reason If you view "getting over it" as rebuilding, then "yes," I'm getting there.
I am satisfied in the life we're living right now. My W would say the same. No marriage will ever be "perfect." As people, we are too good at screwing things up to ever hope for that. I think that's where we are, now. We see each other as "real" people. She has her flaws, and I have mine.
So What's making it work? Choices. I wake up and choose my family every day. I know that I could leave and, because of the work i've done (much of it facilitated by people on this forum!), I know I'd be more than ok. I CHOOSE not to, because I love my W and I love the life and the family we've created together.
"Do you still think about the A"
Yes, but it's not in concrete sense. I still deal with "triggers." Things I hear people say, or images or dialogue in media can take me back to a place I don't like to go, but it's for moments now, not hours or days, or weeks.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that -right now- My marriage is in a good place.
I'm in a good place, too, and this board is a very big reason for that. The community here impacted me in real and measurable ways, and so-from the bottom of my heart- I want you all to know how truly thankful I am that I stumbled on this board in September of 2015.
I have not been posting, but I've been around and reading the newbies section.
I should probably chime in more than I do, but there are great people on the board that are really good at giving needed advice, and most of the time those people have already said what I think.
It's a little over two years since BD, and almost two years since I confronted my W about her A.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it anymore; I still think about it every day, but it doesn't affect me like it once did.
We are still together, and things are good most days. W still struggles with depression. She doesn't like to medicate, but she doesn't like to feel depressed, either.
About a year ago, I was doing some snooping and discovered what I deemed to be the start of an EA. The guy lived on the other side of the country. There were things he was saying which clearly crossed the line. W did not discourage the talk, and there were times where what she said crossed the line as well.
I was admittedly ready to leave, as I had one foot out the door and that should've been the second. When I had calmed down, we talked and she admitted that talking to this OM made her feel good. I understand this, but what hurts is that my LL is words of affirmation, and I tell her those things literally multiple times a day, every day. She went NC and has stuck to that.
I have continued to work on myself, because that's the only thing that I can truly control. I've increased my yearly earnings by 50% and I've maintained the weight I've lost. I'm currently looking to lose more, but I'm happy with where I'm at.
Like I said, our R is in a good place. I've changed and definitely have more of a back bone now. I stand up for myself in petty arguments, and don't just give in. It could be something that I don't really care about one way or another, but if she starts to get accusatory, I stand my ground.
This has led to more respect from my wife. I'm not a pushover any more, and I find her engaging with me in more decision making, rather than just making decisions on her own.
I'm starting to make too many decisions on my own, though, which is something I'm trying to work on. I need to be better about communicating my plans.
I just want to clarify to everyone that I am happy with where my life is, but by no means is overcoming an A the end of the journey, and a good M is a byproduct of give and take, and good communication. There are still times where we fight, and i've learned that fighting IS sometimes GOOD for a R.
I am where I am because I've taken ownership of my actions and decisions, and I've stopped letting people pull me in 100 different directions. I do things now because I want to, not out of obligation to anyone. I needed to take care of myself and I needed to put W and I back on the same, level playing field again, before a positive outcome could take place. We are at the place now.
I feel respected by my family and I have gained new respect for myself through all of this.
If you view "getting over it" as rebuilding, then "yes," I'm getting there.