Darn, my first thread lock without warning. First thread recap: Fresh separation: trying to play by the book I arrived here about a month after my wife left. Thankfully, I had read other resources and started applying DB-like techniques. - I was caught by surprise by the separation but aware of her complaints about the R. - We almost broke up in 2009 when she wanted to leave under similar circumstances. - I'm seeing a shrink and a lot of friends. - I don't know if she has an OM, but she denied it when she left. - Searching for an explanation: Was I too mean? too nice? hypomania? new job? bad friend? - Weird request to change our D6's godmother to her bad friend. - Lunch with W scheduled for Thursday (Oct 30).
Originally Posted By: 1foot2
Lots of stuff about finding a new path in life and not being where she wants to be. I'm not keeping her from new paths, new projects, she is. But its easier somehow to imagine that we are to blame.
YES! Today, I realized that she has a problem with reality more than with me. Her email from 2009 is a good representation of how she's upset that passionate love doesn't last, that she can't follow her untarnished dreams. It's probably best that she goes out there to experiment and realize that it's not my fault if the trash needs to be taken out, couples argue sometimes and need to work to get better at it, work becomes boring after a while, etc.
you mentioned that the ordeals seem to be either 6 months or so, or years.
Unless a spouse is just kind of "Freaking out" with a quick resolution, (and it's still good to come here so they can avoid becoming a divorce statistic a year or two later)...
most marriage problems of any duration, require many months or years to repair.
IF you have a marital crisis, and it's deep and real, it has to be fully studied and repaired to restore the marriage.
NOT just reconcile but REPAIR AND RESTORE....and that takes time.
I've seen many couples rush the reconciliation and in fear, they move back in and pretend all is well....and only weeks or months later they are broken again, b/c they never really repaired the problems they had. (You can see the signatures wherein LBSers write "reconciled X date and then BD#2.." happens, which means they did NOT truly reconcile or restore their marriage; they just moved back in together.
One or both were operating in fear, not honest self evaluation and authentic change.
Maybe you can Learn to see time as a friend...
The "Secret" to doing all this is that it's not a secret. We tell everyone here to work on themselves and stop focusing on their spouse or what they think are their spouses flaws.
GAL is required for Detachment. IT cannot be stressed enough. It's also a great way to make sure you are happy and content in your life regardless of what a WAS does...and imo, GAL is KEY to your happiness.
(Its so odd to see people here for a long time, still berating their spouses and NOT owning their own role in the problems or working on becoming their best selves. I DO NOT think "venting" here is that helpful. I know for me, it kept me stuck in my anger and victimhood. When I stopped recounting all my h's errors and how HE hurt ME, I finally got somewhere.
Yes I can say honestly today, that my h erred a lot. He did hurt me AND our children. And once you admit all that, you have to ask yourself if you still want to make it work, but know it only works with forgiveness. Which means you do not get to throw it in their face, or hold it over their heads forever, OR act as if you are owed (that last part took me awhile).
You must let it go.
Focus on making yourself happy and healed. Staying in your own sandbox, and out of theirs.
Work on becoming the best YOU that you can become. Let go of the past and the scorecards of what they did to you, and all of that.
Learning what forgiveness is and doing it, means so much here. It is Key.
NO Long term marriage is happy, without forgiveness. Period.
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU BELIEVE THEY "DESERVE FORGIVENESS" ---B/C you cannot restore your marriage without it. Period. Begin Looking forward to the happier more fulfilling life YOU are creating for yourself.
Think about that^^^... Who wouldn't want to be around you then?
