Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

Here's another thread that was purged and I'm only going to post the first posting so that we can open this up to others to vent, post, etc. I'm very sorry that many of the posters that I referenced are either no longer posting or their threads have been purged over the years.

"TMAK, Paul, Vinland and Buzzy,

I apologize for not getting back to all of you sooner on how reconnection occurs. I am going to provide you w/the last informational tool that is my toolbox and once you have this description, you will have all of the tools necessary to either stand for your marriages or move on w/o your spouses. I obtained all of this information from various depression books, websites, along w/talking to others that have walked through the hot embers of h@ll and managed to save their marriages by trial and error.

True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again.

As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done. Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e., in making a decision as to returning home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.

The board has one very smart and wise lady who is going through the reconnection process w/her xh and she is Never Give Up (NGU). I can't say enough about how she has handled her situation. She has done a wonderful job and she is an inspiration to all of us. I suggest you pull up her name and check out some of her postings. She has the patience of a saint. There are two other wonderful women who went through some tough times and did all of the right things and brought their spouses back home and they are DebM and JeanS. All three ladies deserve the very best.

There have also been questions about the connecting of your spouses during the anger, replay, depression and early withdrawal stages. Please understand that during the stages that I just mentioned, your spouses are going to do touch and gos w/you because they are afraid and very much insecure in letting go of their "old" way of life, i.e., security blanket. M Go Blue or BethM described it as a child in a room that comes running back to ensure that their mother is close by. This is what your spouse is doing. It's not reconnection. In fact, you spouse may even be so confused as to wanting to return home and try again. If he/she does this , and they have not completed the entire crisis, I can almost guarantee that they will run again somewhere within a 2 year time frame. They will not come out of the confusion and irrational behavior until they have gone entirely through all six stages of mlc that were described by Hearts Blessing. When they leave the second time, the heartache is twice as hard to bear because you thought everything was okay and the crisis was over. Please do not drop your guard if they return home while still experiencing the crisis. No matter what, you must continue on w/your lives.

As you, the spouse, continue on w/your life, you will begin to notice the difference between touch and gos and the actual reconnection phase. Just remember, the touch and gos are still replay in progress and he will be still dressing, spending money, not having much contact w/the family, home, etc. When the true reconnection begins, interest in all things will begin, eye contact will be more frequent and they will begin to smile a bit. I hope that BethM will drop by and share w/all of you what she posted over on Vinlad's thread about her knowledge of reconnection. Her explanation was quite good.

You have the best mentor of all in your court and that is M Go Blue. Listen to what he tells you, for he gives excellent advice. There were two things that he instilled in my stubborn brain long ago and they are let it go and drop the rope. I hope that at some point in your journey you will be able to let it go and drop the rope. Once you have determined that you don't have control over anyone but yourself, you'll come to realize that the positives are all there for you. There is one thing that I ask of all of you. While you are on this journey, please do not forget your children. They are hurting and confused as well. Even though you think you are doing a good job of hiding your feelings, they can sense the stress you are under. They are caught in the middle and do not know what to do to make the situation better. My wish is that someone will create a forum for the children to come to if they wish to talk. We adults can take care of ourselves, but the children can't. They are the most important people in all of this mess and they need our help in overcoming this this trauma so that they get on with their lives and not be stunted as they grow emotionally, physically and mentally.

I wish all of you the very best and hope that some day soon all of you will find the happiness that you so richly deserve."

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Keep the focus on you and what you need to survive. As for his family, he will eventually get tired of them trying to pull him back into their vortex. However, it will take some time for that to happen.

I completely understand how you feel, i.e., no one truly there to give you a room, to listen and just give you a hug and some space to grieve. Most people don't know what to say or how to help you when you are in this situation. That is why many of them distance themselves for a while. Just keep looking in that mirror and tell yourself each and every day that you are a strong person and you will survive this. When the dust settles, you will know who your true friends are and they will be the ones that you want to continue to associate with. As for the others, write them off and move on.

Let me tell you just a wee bit about my divorce. My xh left and became a very angry man when I met with a lawyer at my xh's request to get the separation papers prepared. When the separation papers were ready for him to review and sign, he became a very angry man. He became spiteful and did everything he could to destroy me mentally, emotionally and financially. When he saw that I wasn't going to play that game of back and forth on little issues and I directed my lawyer to cease all work until he and his lawyer came to their senses, that is when he did the actual filing for divorce. It took 2 1/2 years for the divorce to go through and he was still an angry man after we were divorced. Over the years, he has calmed down and last year he posted to me that he realized that he ruined the marriage and should not have walked out. Well, too little, too late. I moved on with my life and I'm living it to the fullest.

As for your h's confusion and hurt...somewhere in the back of his mind, he really did not want a divorce. However, clarity will not come for a while. By the time he wakes up, you may have opted to just move on and not reconcile. That will be your decision, not his.

For now, continue moving forward. Give it all to God and allow him to work on him. You can't do a thing about your h at the moment. Lots of space and allow him to continue to hit the brick wall until he realizes that what he was looking for was right there in front of him all of the time. Home is where the heart is.

Hang in there.

Hello Samoy


Yes, one day at a time. Sometimes even one hour at a time. (((Hugs)))

When all is dark, and seems lost, just breathe. You know brighter days are your trend.


XH felt that a divorce would take away his pain and torment. It doesn't. In fact, getting that signed piece of paper, is another loss to grieve.

Any change has associated losses which one grieves. Even positive changes has loss. For example, my retirement, a most positive life change had losses with it. Loss of routine, loss of certainty, loss of income, and so on. Of course, new routine, freedom, and a different income stream were there. Still, a little time to let go the familiar and embrace the new.

XH's shiny new life did not fix his projected problems. If he is not looking to the actual cause, he will not find actual resolution. MLCers are so driven by their emotions that they believe them; even as those same feelings ping pong about. XH believed his life change would make it all better. It's just part of the misguided running behaviors.

One of the worst curses is to actually get what you wish for. Satisfaction and appreciation, comes from striving to achieve and being content with what you have, rather than effortlessly getting it.

Also, XH likely expected you to remain stationary. To sit there right on the shelf. To pine for him, and be his Plan B. You weren't. That threw yet another wrench into his narrative and predictions.

No matter what XH does, no matter where he runs to, there he is. And all his baggage and torment comes along. His divorce didn't lessen his pile, it added to it.

If you notice, your leaving (or staying) has nothing to do with XH's confusion and hurt. We LBS just aren't that powerful. No one is. No one can control someone else's emotions. Folks are responsible for how they feel. XH's hurts come from within himself.

Of course people and events can and do trigger and influence feelings. And feelings are fleeting. So, after a time, and with the removal of initiating event, continuing to feel a certain way indicates one is reenforcing it.


Right on! Amen!

As you put yourself and your world back together, do look carefully at the pieces. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.

Crumbled, shattered, is a golden opportunity to heal and become. A golden opportunity most folks never find, and even fewer embrace.

D

There is no way to figure them out. I would venture to say that he knew someone would tell you he had been there and brought the ow. He is most likely trying to get a reaction out of you.

When in replay, they have a tendency to go to places that are familiar to them, i.e., places where they use to go w/us and he wants to share that memory with the ow for now. They tend to go on vacations and visit the places we visited w/them, participate in activities that we use to share w/them, etc. It's all part of his journey.

For now, I wouldn't put too much stock into what he is doing. The only thing I would caution you about is...do not react to this recent activity. He got what he wanted...someone told you about the visit. Just let it go. Keep the focus on you.

What should you do? Continue as you have been. Be a friend, listen and not offer advice unless he asks for it. Do not be hasty and point fingers if he slips up or makes mistakes along the way. You are the lighthouse of safe haven, so be kind and gentle. He's going to be fragile for quite some time.

Also, I would continue to live my life and do the things that I enjoy. When he sees that you are not "expecting" him to be the old self, he will continue to reach out. One word of caution...the marriage you had is now dead and you just may get the opportunity to build a new one. Whatever changes you have made, you must continue on with them. There will be times that he will ask if you want him to just leave again, especially is something isn't going well...do not encourage him to leave. You want him to be drawn to you, i.e., just like a moth to a candle.

I will caution you...this final stage is the most difficult for us because we want them to hurry up and get over the crisis and come back home. Just as it took a long time for him to go into crisis, it will take just as long for them to recover and want to return home. You may discover that he has kept some of the habits he has developed during the crisis and others will return just like they were pre-crisis. Whatever the outcome...patience is the main ingredient in getting to the finish line.

Again, just be a friend, give him a safe place to land and do not be judgmental. He will know that he's got a lot of difficult/heavy work to do and it cannot be swept under the rug.

Good luck!

Samoy,

I do not believe for one minute that he has sold some of your stuff or tossed it away. This is a "power/control" play. He is like a spoiled brat who wants the toys and is not willing to share. If, at all possible, don't ask about them again. If he says something, try saying, "That's okay. I am done asking and will try to find items to replace them myself". Sometimes, when you do the opposite, you will get what you actually want or need to hear.

You are a dealing with a child and until he wakes up, he's going to have selfish moments like this. They all want to control everything including the grass growing in the yard (if they could).

BTW, you are spot on...he does know that once you have your belongings that will be the end and the apron strings will be cut. It's all about holding on by a thread for them. They don't want you to move on and yet, they don't want you in their lives.

Breathe! I know you want your belongings, but please try not to ask for them again for a while. The less you look like you want/need them, the more he will see that he is losing that one last control issue over you.

Hello Samoy

Good for you finding out what’s what regarding the legalities of your belongings. I agree, don’t beg or plead for them back. H knows you are wanting them, being patient and giving this some time may yield H deciding “on his own” to reach out about returning things.


Withdrawal is a time of deep introspection for the MLCer. This will be the first time, since the start of their crisis, that they will actually come face to face with their trauma(s).

Coming to somewhat terms with their pains, as well as their deeds and running behaviours (well, those which they can recall, for their addled mind will have many holes for a while), they slowly start to exit withdrawal and enter into acceptance. It is here where those few fortunate MLCers truly start to reconnect, working to repair and rebuild those damaged bridges to family, friends, and spouse.

As you said, H pushed hard in contacting you. He professed remorse and sincerity for his behaviours. It does sound like more reconnecting than a touch and go.

Remember, the MLCer is quite fragile during this time. They will be worried and fearful of rejection and judgement. It is most important for the LBS to withhold such judgement, keep their expectations dialled to zero, and be supportive while the MLCer gets comfortable in their new skin.

There will rebellious moments from the MLCer. Like that of a teenager growing up, for it is pretty much what is going on. And like a teenager, allow them their room to grow while placing boundaries upon disrespectful behaviours.

In the later phase of acceptance, the MLCer revisits their entire crisis. It will likely be noticeable as they exhibit strange behaviours and temporary withdrawing. Again we must let them progress at their pace as this is a needed process. It’s the final processing to allow them to truly put their crisis in the past.

Note: During any of these later stages the MLCer could go back to a previous stage. There is a lot of pressures in the world. You can imagine that for one to face their long ago trauma would likely cause some reaction. It’s all part of their journey. We just dig for patience, keep moving forward, and shine the way.

D

Samoy,

Until they have resolved their issues, they will bounce back and forth. If he was in withdrawal, then he was not trying to reconnect. They will reconnect the exact opposite of how they disconnected from people, pets, etc. You should be the last one he attempts to reconnect with.

Continue to be yourself, be the lighthouse in the storm. If he contacts you, take some time in responding and when you do, be friendly and just listen. Be a friend. He may very well try to reconnect when his issues are resolved.

Patience is the key. Keep the focus on you.

Good Morning Samoy

To me, it appears that XH is testing you. Pushing your boundaries and your buttons, seeing if he can win. Remember, don’t play his game.

XH knows you want your stuff. He knows he’s suppose to give it back. He know it’s your stuff. That’s evident with his spur of the moment call to again to try to get your address. A not so subtle guise of him trying to getting his way.

Do as you are. Do not beg, ask, or plead. XH knows what he is to do. Further telling him or asking him (from you) will not be helpful. Decide on your timeline, and once expired turn this over to the authorities to regain your property.


The path of a MLCer is a confusing one.

Commonly if the AP is still in the picture then the MLCer is still within the replay stage. The MLCer can certainly peek out of their tunnel, even for extended times, then dash back in again. And the opposite, they can peek back to replay from the other side too.

Until their final acceptance and settling, their path is still prompted by their emotional state. Granted, becoming less so as they deal with their trauma(s) and depression.

An OW (or OM) is a band-aid, a symptom of the crisis. Some of these lost soul never do find their way back. They hang on to their AP, and just get too old and tired to run anymore. They don’t exit their crisis, they just resign themselves to their life/fate/existence.

Running behaviour and confusion are hallmarks of a crisis. Along with the ever present depression. The presence of, or of not, a OW is not the all-telling indicator of XH’s stage. Is he behaving / acting like a teenager? Is he confused? Forgetful? Does he show remorse? Has he indicated deep depression? Is he withdrawn from life? Is he running? Is he trying to escape? Is he responsible and accountable? Is he open and honest?

I don’t expect answers by the way. There are plenty of variables and factors, most of which we know very little about. Our (ex)spouse does keeps their inner self pretty well hidden. A more long term view of demonstrated behaviours can yield clues of their path. It’s odd, we discover more when not looking for it.

Keep moving forward, have healthily boundaries, and focus upon you and your life. Live, love, and laugh. Enjoy your wonderful life. Remember, it’s XH that needs to catch up to you.

XH did return. He pushed hard, once. However, it appears he slid back. Until he can be the man you want and deserve, let him be. Give XH to God. Let Him work with and upon XH.

Hope you’re having a fantastic day Samoy.

D