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I've read a bit of this thread, but not all of it, but I want to put in my 2 cents. I've written this all before, but my threads have all been purged it seems, and those that still exist are buried so deep that I'm an unknown. But this is what I've learned...
Going dark is the most over-rated technique I've seen listed on the board at all. To me, it is the epitome of the LRT. If you are not ready to do a LRT, do not go dark!
To me, Michele has only one thing to say in all her books... "If what you are doing is not working, do something else. If what you do does work, do more of it!!!" If you are in an uncommunicative marriage, and you go dark, you are doing more of what doesn't work. Period.
I busted my divorce when I finally in an angry, frustrated outburst, proclaimed that I refused to live with the OM's girlfriend anymore. Up to that point, I "went dark" while she still lived at home. I let her do what she wanted. I didnt' protest her coming home at 2,3, 4, 5 am. I snooped in all her email, and I knew exactly -- in graphic detail --- what she was doing in the wee hours, but I remained silent. When I finally received a letter from her attorney telling me to hire my own and to "proceed with negotiations toward a divorce", I finally voiced all my opinions. Some time later, when I had had enough of her coming home at all hours, and I told her to move out, because I was finished with "living with OM's girlfriend", she responded that she never knew I felt that way, and agreed to stop seeing him, postponing the lawyer's action, and entering joint counceling. Wow.
Now, my sitch is my sitch. But, I learned real fast that I had been "going dark" all wrong. In fact, going dark almost killed my marriage, because W took it as lack of interest.
You must keep in touch with the situation. YOu must continue to press your intention. You must let your WS know that you care, that you are willing to make it work. You must not appear indifferent.
I still beleive that going dark is terribly over-rated, and that it is among the worst advice one can give. I truly believe it is the epitome of an LRT. Beware of this technique, and only use it when appropriate.
