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There are many similarities in the LBS and in the MLC script. For this reason, I asked you questions that I imagine would help you better understand what H is possibly enduring.
It sounds to me like your experience was rooted in years of exhaustion, unmet needs and feeling unseen. As you thought through the questions/answers, did they give you reason to pause? Did you consider that H may respond to the questions in the same way? similar way?
One thing that I've learned about midlife crisis is that it often looks like chaos and contradictions. H can pull close, push away, seem lost, and make choices that don't make sense. Choices that are exactly the opposite of who H was. It's not about you - it's about his inner turmoil. His inner battle. Change. Oddly something my H has always resisted is change and now he's changed so much that he is unrecognizable to me.
You seem to be wrestling with wanting to detach, believing that detaching is the right step forward, and seeing hope in detaching. It makes sense, as I was once in your shoes. At first, detaching is counterintuitive and certainly the opposite of how you've likely been through the years. Trust that the cost of holding on and not detaching is very high. Your nervous system will exhaust and you'll find yourself riding his rollercoaster of emotions.
Originally Posted by Un
The second was finding out he had the defective heart valve. Two years ago, he figured he had 15-20 years, now he's stuck in his head like it's going to happen tomorrow. I mean, he's convinced that he wants to die alone on the farm. With his skewed sense of time, maybe he thinks it's closer than it is? He hadn't seen the specialist last time we had talked about it, so there's no proof that it's going to happen soon.
Figuring him out is not possible while he's in crisis. Yet, normal to want to. I will tell you that answers don't come for a long time. It would be more helpful to you if you focus on why you feel however you feel. Work through your feelings.
He doesn't know what is going on. He doesn't know why things are changing. And, if he hasn't figured it out, how could you or someone else? You can't do his work for him. He needs to work through things that only he can face. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to give someone what they ask for. His words and actions are asking for space. Luckily for you, holding space doesn't mean waiting around or pausing your life. And, we're back to detaching.
And chasing or pushing him to face things at a pace he's not ready for will only make him run faster and further. Learned this the hard way on many occasions through H's crisis.
Originally Posted by Un
It is so hard for me to detach, because XH/X had said that after I left, he felt like I treated him like someone that he used to know.
I'm not convinced that you are having a hard time detaching because H said something.
Holding space and detaching doesn't mean losing yourself. You take care of yourself. Live your life to its fullest. Take care of your emotions by detaching. Keep - perhaps it's more like establish than keep - your boundaries strong. Enjoy the things that bring you peace.
It's a long and confusing road so I love that you're getting help for yourself. Find a good therapist. Gain your strength back while he's off in lala land.
And lastly, I'd like you to give thought to the last of the questions you answered.
Originally Posted by Un
Then, I ask you what you learned through your MLC? The years before your H's MLC were not wasted years. What have the years refined? What have you learned about yourself? What remains a mystery?
Through the years I learned that I had SO much to learn! The man I knew now was not the same from before... we were growing back together, then his MLC started. I have not bolted, despite my natural reaction to want to. Comparing things he's said to things OM said to me, I am certain OM was going through MLC when we got together. I was 30, he was 45....
Your response has a bit of focus on "The man I knew". What about Un and what you knew about Un?
