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Un, I saw that you requested my input. While most of my pre-BD confidence has returned, I'm still not sure about giving direction in MLC situations. I can tell you what I hear from your narrative if you find that helpful.
First, I can hear your pain and interest in restoring your marriage. That I (all on this site) can relate to. You seem to have a strong connection over many years with H. This is wonderful. Seems like many years of your R has been your crisis, the divorce, and now your H's crisis. That's a lot of years in turmoil. Still, there must have been many good moments/years, as you are here.
I enjoyed my H for 30+ years and have memories no one can take from me. Regardless of where our R ends up, my memories are mine. I say the same to you. You have many memories that will always remain yours regardless of where your R ends up.
My immediate second thought brings a series of questions that you don't need to respond to here. If you are comfortable sharing, it may help us help you.
If I read your update correctly, you went through a midlife storm. That gives you insight, strength and compassion that many people may not have. Ask yourself these questions and see what you can put together. Perhaps you have more answers than I do....as my MLC H is still not home nor is he knocking the door down.
When you reflect on your MLC (if I can call it that), What did it feel like? What was your narrative? What did you 'get' from the OM? What did he provide? Why did you feel that you could/should have a different relationship from your M?
Then, I ask you what you learned through your MLC? The years before your H's MLC were not wasted years. What have the years refined? What have you learned about yourself? What remains a mystery?
H needs space and time. That offers you space and time. Use it wisely. Self-reflection may give you more answers than anyone/anything. While you can't fix H or anyone else, you can be steady, kind and honest while he does the work of facing himself. In that time, you've been through transformation that H allowed for. You know the discomfort and the growth that it brought forward in you.
Should you go dark? meh. Dim, yes. Wait for his outreach. Then wait to respond. Think through what your response is, if one is needed.
I may not like that H and I don't talk EVER since I've been no contact for the better part of 14 months. Business transactions are the extent of our convos and I can see H is hurting. Rescuing him is not recommended so I wait. Patience is a learned virtue over here. Time will tell if/when H has endured enough and turns inward.
