Originally Posted by DnJ
We LBS are the strong stable parent. Reach out to son.

S and I talked - he now knows. Hard convo but I made it happen before S and D had plans. They've been talking. Both are processing. Processing without me. I often would talk with each of them 4 or 5 times a week. Haven't heard from them much. I'm giving space.

Nephew's graduation party was last Saturday at SIL's house. I wasn't sure if I'd attend. S came in to attend and spent the night since the commute is long and the following day was Father's Day. Shortly after S pulled in, D pulls in with BF. I was surprised to see her as I hadn't heard from her. The 3 of them are planning to go. I asked if I could join them.

D: Go get dressed. We'll go for an hour and leave.
M: Sounds good. Give me a minute so I can prepare a greeting card and gift.

The 3 of them played basketball in the driveway like old times while I got ready. My heart was singing.

We head over. Walking up the driveway, we are greeted by SIL who has some confusion on her face. She didn't expect me to show is all I could think. I notice teenagers and H who are playing yard games (no greeting/acknowledgement in either direction) on our left, as we make our way over to the adults who are sitting at long stretches of tables. Most had eaten. We greet several friends and hug/kiss uncle 1, uncle 2, BIL, FIL and GF.

Grabbing our plates, we sit at a table where there are 4 seats - happens to be a ways from H's family. We eat, laugh and enjoy each other. Over comes SIL who is her usual self - negative spewing, complaining that she can't wait for the party to be over, it's so cold and on and on. [I don't miss this.]

Several family friends stopped over to say hello and catch up. SIL's best friend was one of them. She asked how I was doing with a concerned demeanor. In response, I tilted my head, curled my eyebrows and proudly let her know, "We're doing great. Things are great." Caught off guard, she adjusted and we talked about other things and comfort - for her - returned. Not sure what SIL is feeding her but that may have changed the narrative.

There were lots of looks our way. I was comfortable unlike at the commencement, but could certainly feel the eyes. Many of sorrow, concern, confusion. The 4 of us, unrehearsed just simply behaved as we always had and laughed often. Genuine enjoyment. My heart was so full in that moment. D kept saying, "Why does dad keep looking over here?" I told her I didn't know.

We hadn't even finished our last bites when uncle 3 and aunt came and sat with us. We talked about the family wedding later this year and they told me that they were glad that I decided to go. SIL said in return, "I don't know why she has to go all the way over there to get married. We're not going." I could see D drinking STFU smoothies (Yes, I've introduced both kids to these nutritious treats.)

A few minutes later, the rest of the family at the other table flocked over to us one by one and sat with us at our table - all uncles, aunts, FIL, etc. We were always the center gatherings. Full of life and excitement. Now I see it.

Meanwhile, H kept looking over and listening to our laughs and interactions. Genuine. Joyous. Comfortable. A family life he once was a part of. Here we are on his turf and they're all moving towards us. I was glowing. Family and friends are even more confused now. They're wondering how actions (our engagement) and words (SIL and H) aren't matching up.

We left after an hour and the kids were happy they went and that dad stayed clear. And mostly, that H didn't approach us.

It's confusing. I'm reminded that Divorce Busting is counterintuitive. At the party, I was comfortable with H doing what he wanted. I was doing what I wanted. I didn't have an urge to bring him in or otherwise. Choices. Actions. Consequences. Afterwards, as I reflect, I felt like I was snubbing him. Rude. I question if I should've been the bigger person and waived from afar as I walked up the driveway? Isn't ignoring toxic? Avoiding isn't healthy. Was I avoiding? Accepting his wishes and behaving accordingly?

I ask because being a better human is in my cards. His return isn't mine to control. Kids are watching. Kids followed and didn't engage either.

An hour later, we picked ourselves up and walked out together in laughter and with a skip in our step. Walked down the driveway, past H and teenagers and into the car....

S and I booked flights for the wedding that night. D got a big-girl job now that she graduated and is waiting to hear if she can attend the wedding with us. It's a big trip and quite a bit to book. H's family wants me to go. I want to go. Kids want to go. We're going.

The next day was Father's Day. No messages, no breakfast, no Happy Father's Day to H. None of us reached out. I'm sure he felt it. Maybe he'll wake up some day and realize all he's left behind. Maybe not.

Father's day was beautiful. We celebrated my dad in our typical warm style. Surrounded by food and family. Some games and lots of love.

As for me, I've done more reflecting on how I contributed to the fallout of my marriage. This has helped me. I enabled his descent. I'm not condoning his coping techniques nor anything he's made decisions to do. Still, I'm able to see that doing more isn't the answer. Carrying his weight isn't the answer. Excusing what he lacks isn't the answer. Fixing everything is control and not helpful. Still learning. Still healing. Still hurting. Beginning to thrive.

Power washed the back patio for a few hours. Took some time to start up the washer, but with some cuts, bruises, words, I made it happen. Have another couple hours ahead of me today for the front walk before I head over to niece's dance recital.

Cancer check-up on Monday. D is coming along with me and has plans for ride. Yesterday, D listed out the calls she needs to make. Decisions to ponder. Timing to consider. She's a bit overwhelmed with needing to move out of college apartment in the next week and all she needs to do to find housing near the new job. She'll be home for a month or so and then will move towards S, being only 10 minutes down the road from him. It comforts me that they'll have each other. They want to be together. D said to me, "Mom, just move near us. Why not? You love the ocean so it could work." While it sounds appealing, my career is here and I certainly know that they may move again in a blink of an eye. I need stability.

Much like when they were born, parenting adult children doesn't come with a manual. I'm doing what I can to be the stable parent. Provide space as they think through their life's changes. Not fixing as I know that's not what they need. Listening. Offering advice when requested. Loving them always.