MG,
Changing the dance is difficult... for both parties.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Catching up on bk's thread and see this comment...it makes me question me not talking/acknowledging him at the last few events. Am I taking the wrong approach? Is what I'm doing a push? Is this evidence that I'm not healed? healing? Can you help me grasp my behavior, my intentions, my intent?

IMHO - this is you struggling with the new dance. It's perfect normal - btw - to have thoughts like this. You are changing a dynamic that has been in play for DECADES. It's unrealistic to think you won't question it at times.

As long as when you ask those questions... you pull way back. Instead of it being you and your husband - put in two strangers.

Should a person make small talk with the person who lies to her and takes advantage of her good will? My guess is not.

Should a person make small talk with a person who is emotionally hurting her children w/ his actions. My guess is not.

You are not rude. You just don't engage. You are not rude to a stranger - yet you don't provide your life's story either.

Again this is a consequence of your H's actions. He loses the closeness of his family. Allow him to feel that.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Surprise...H drove the hour. Alone. What?! Why would H attend nephew's graduation knowing that my entire family would be present? Just why? Why would H want to face everyone he hasn't engaged with for so long? And, I've not been speaking to him at engagements that we're both at (D's bday dinner, S's bday dinner, D's graduation). I know - MLC isn't logical. Still, it's a SMH moment.

If you look at it from the aspect of H trying to keep the same dance... then it makes perfect sense. He isn't used to MGs life being about MG. It's always been about him. If you gave the impression that you couldn't care if he was present - it doesn't surprise me that he is upping the ante by coming to the next one.

The reason they say to believe nothing they say and half of what they do is because people like to be comfortable. Your H is going to desperately try and keep the dance that has been so expect him to try anything. Even things that can be perceived as false hope.

It won't be until he truly believes this is the new dance - that he will make a decision. Most people don't change until they are forced to.

"MG - I made a mistake and I want to work on the marriage. And here is what I'm prepared to do"
Unless these are the words coming out of your H's mouth followed by the actions - assume everything is about him. Him trying to regulate his emotions. Him trying to hold on the parts of the relationship that feel good w/o doing the work of what is hard.

Until then - none of his stuff is your concern. Your focus continues to stay on YOU. On how you create a life where MG is the main character. How you learn to tolerate the guilt and uncomfortable feelings with putting yourself first.

One of the patterns I have seen in you is that when you put yourself first too much - your defense kicks in and you go back to worrying about your H's motives and actions. In times like this - put the spot light back on you.

The only hope of saving your marriage is by acting and believing that you are worth fighting for. Fake it until you make it as they say. Eventually it will become your truth and you won't be willing to make the same concessions anymore.

You are doing just fine. Really good updates on your part.

P.S. The rain on the east coast is just too much. I don't know why I bothered planting a garden at all this spring. Makes me miss my LA sunshine.