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I'm mostly detached and don't have any foreseeable reasons to reach out to H for anything. Over the last few events, I was less and less friendly with H. To reference Valeska, the dance has changed. It just happened. It was not deliberate. I just don't dance to this music anymore.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I simply have no interest in H's part-time family manners. I knew that once I learned about a PA, things would not be the same. I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H. It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.
I could not really do this until XW moved herself out. Even then ... it took snooping and seeing her committing to OM's attentions ... for me to be offended enough to realize my own dignity and respect. Little verbalized, but my behavior changed to - XW, you cannot choose that course of action and have access to ME. And then I went DARK. Business and young ones only. And only if it had to be addressed, not any other ramblings of hers. I accept her decision and now boundaries to protect ME.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D: This is why I don't want to tell dad anything. He then uses all the information to share at auntie's house as if he's been involved in my life. If we hadn't talked during my bday dinner, dad wouldn't know anything. He acted like we're a happy and involved family. M: I nod and apologize.
XW, after taking the state required parenting course, "Oh, they showed us we are all still a family. Just split up in different houses and all." I drank the STFU smoothie and thought, "That is such a load of self-justifying (self-gaslighting?) cr@p. I refuse to pretend all is fine, just different." And then after going dark, I have NOT joined in most any joint activity with her except for things like graduations or her parents taking us all out to dinner after such an event.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D: I'm not sharing anything with him anymore.
Good on letting her come to her own conclusions ... and how she wants to relate to H in the future.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Last year I sent a message to him and his family. Not this year. Decisions have consequences. I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.
Yes, they do. I have gone mostly dark to XW's family. Welcoming and friendly when they are here. Otherwise ... she is their daughter. I won't get in between or pretend family or pretend all is well.
Self-justifying...XW said that to me about OM. i.e. Our M wasn't where it should be so her relationship with OM is the consequence to me. At the same time, it became clear she hid the information I needed about her unhappiness for years... and eventually told it all to OM instead.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I'm not the same person. I don't care to show warmth to H who walked out and then welcome him showing up for the good moments only to abandon all of us later. No more breadcrumbs. S still soaks up dad as long as dad offers some laughs. GF sees otherwise.
No, we are not the same person after betrayal of this depth. Good and bad. Working on the keeping the good. Working on discarding the bad. Having sorted through the fear and confusion ... Who am I ... Now?
Originally Posted by MamaG
SIL is 'not getting involved' as she doesn't 'want to lose' her brother. Then carry on SIL....without me. She was so stunned. SIL didn't eat or drink a thing at the grad party - not like her. After 30+ years, I expected more from her, even if she's equally avoidant. I no longer rationalize being present with humans/family who can't show up for me.
I tried to talk to XW's parents...once. The reply I received was, "You two will work it out." If that is how they wanted to deal with their daughter's actions with OM? Then carry on MiL/FiL...without me.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I've done some reading. I've looked into HFC and Too Much.
Now this,... this,... is interesting. In explaining some of XW. XW told me she had been her mom's confidante since she was 14...including complaints about her father. When I met her, XW was badly co-dependent on her mom. It took me, in an amateur and untrained approach, two years to get her off this. How an HFC feels ... echos how XW told me she felt. i.e. - she does everything for all her friends but gets no support back, she dropped home and husband to work on everyone else's issues, to the point of burn out.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I feel cold when I don't provide warmth to all.
It IS disturbing to go against the desire to provide warmth. To feel like you go against the covenant you joined...until death. Forms of tough love are difficult for many of us.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable. This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.
Yep, and yep, and yep, .... I try to leave it at two sayings from here: I don't have to decide today ... and ... the future is unwritten.
Originally Posted by MamaG
The collateral damage is devastating and the hardest thing that I continue to process.
From the books on the impacts of divorce I've read... it spreads across three generations up, down, left, and right. The facile self gaslighting that I received excusing the damage is offensive to me.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Took some of yesterday and today for me to find my center. I'm back.
Yeah, encounters or oddities cause perturbations.... That is on me though. Not XW. Examining myself to see what inside me is the cause.
Originally Posted by MamaG
... 3 robin eggs this year. So precious.
...water the various tomato and pepper plants. LOL
Instrumental - serene and uplifting piano melody, the song blends progressive rock and new age elements, incorporating electronic textures and subtle synthesizers. It evokes a peaceful, reflective mood, often associated with the freshness of a new day.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Happy Memorial Day!
True Faith - New Order
I feel so extraordinary Something's got a hold on me I get this feeling I'm in motion A sudden sense of liberty .... I used to think that the day would never come I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun My morning sun is the drug that brings me near To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear I used to think that the day would never come That my life would depend on the morning sun
