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What a wonderful update. Family, friends, food, and fun. Blessed indeed.
H’s behaviour sounds pretty standard. Gathering all the data he can, sharing nothing, while trying to show how involved he is in his kids’ lives. Like your daughter, my kids saw through their Mom’s pitiful efforts and share with her very little.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H.
You don’t give to H, you give to yourself.
You give the forgiving of H to you, not him. I know, sounds weird.
Trying to forgive the person, or give forgiveness, makes it transactional. And without a reciprocal transaction from the other side, the deal falls through. Forgiveness falls through.
You forgive the deed, not the person, without anything from them. Forgiveness has very little to do, nothing to do, with the other person. It’s not about them deserving it, or earning it, or anything like that. It’s about you finding, giving yourself, peace.
Originally Posted by MamaG
It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.
Yep. Boundaries are good. And there are consequences to actions.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable.
I get it. Been there. Perfectly normal to feel this way.
Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.
Look to your beliefs. Look to your intellect. What does it take to trust? What does it take to be vulnerable?
Originally Posted by MamaG
This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.
Oh yes. Not a path I wanted either.
Have faith, there is value going through all that pain. On the other side, trust becomes very valuable. Trustworthiness. Not just a word. A way of life.
My experience, I can and do trust, again. It’s how I live. Sincere. Trustworthy. Loyal. Etc. To self. To others.
This journey has made trust, and the breaking of trust, very heightened. I do more default trust than distrust. Cheating, lying, and other untrustworthy behaviour has boundaries and consequences from me. People, businesses, if untrustworthy are pretty much out of my circle. Any further interaction is very limited and protected. And for those who demonstrate trusting behaviours, my faith in them grows.
Trust issues stem from previous betrayals and experiences. It takes work to heal from the betrayal in these situations here. To find your core. To trust yourself and therefore be able to extend faith and open up to another’s reliability and integrity.
It was funny when years ago I realized I don’t have trust issues. XW is untrustworthy. There is no issue.
Trust it seems, like forgiveness, has more to do with self than others.
