I'm now on the other side of surviving numerous family events. I'm mostly detached and don't have any foreseeable reasons to reach out to H for anything. Over the last few events, I was less and less friendly with H. To reference Valeska, the dance has changed. It just happened. It was not deliberate. I just don't dance to this music anymore.

D, BF and I carpooled to D's bday dinner. H was in parking lot and came in after he saw us. H came and sat next to me. We had one exchange through the 2 hours. H shook his leg and was perspiring profusely, wiping his head numerous times through the dinner. Although noticed by all, H was the only one who made a comment. "It's hot in here." We just nodded. There was lots of conversation. Laughs. H was listening. On the way home, D mentioned that dad didn't share anything about himself. He just took it all in. I validated. She asked if I was ok. I confirmed that dinner was great.

Easter was beautiful. S and GF spent the night on Saturday and D and BF came in the morning for church services and Easter baskets. S notices a travel bag for toiletries amongst his Easter treats and is excited because of all his travel. The bunny brings practical gifts and candy now that they're adults. S starts reading what the various sample sized toiletries are. Shampoo, body wash, ball toner.... Ball toner? MOM! We all burst out laughing. BF is now reading through the toiletries in his bag and finds ball deodorant. More laughs. Let's just say that my eyes aren't quite what they used to be. Glasses should be worn when making purchases. smile This was Easter dinner's topic of conversation with the larger family too. "The lads will be clean." We had a great Easter. The 4 of them went to SIL's to visit with dad. D headed to BF's after SIL's house and calls me.

D: This is why I don't want to tell dad anything. He then uses all the information to share at auntie's house as if he's been involved in my life. If we hadn't talked during my bday dinner, dad wouldn't know anything. He acted like we're a happy and involved family.
M: I nod and apologize.
D: I'm not sharing anything with him anymore.

H continues to pretend. Wear a mask. Showing what an involved and great dad he is for the world to admire. We know otherwise.

Our wedding anniversary came and went without acknowledgement - not surprised. But, I celebrated without H by taking a mini vacation after Easter to the sunshine state, visiting a couple girlfriends. No alarm, no work, no schedule. We enjoyed the beach, sun, laughs, wine. GF watched our fur babies. I came home rejuvenated with sun kissed skin. Dogs were happy to have me but began missing GF. GF crocheted a coat for Dog2 - it didn't fit although she said she tried many times to make it work. Dog2 wasn't having it. She said she'll keep trying. We laughed.

The death anniversary of H's mom came and went. I prayed for him and for her on my own. That was the extent of my warmth. Last year I sent a message to him and his family. Not this year. Decisions have consequences. I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

At S's bday dinner, traffic held me and I arrived fashionably late. The 5 of them were enjoying drinks and had poured me one from the 2 pitchers ordered for the table - it was Cinco de Mayo after all. I greeted the kids with individual hugs and kisses and never even looked H's way at the table. H tried to engage with subtle attempts. Answering questions I made towards the table. Offering me his water. I wasn't up for any engagement. There was no eye contact and no responses from me. H noticed and felt it. From my view, H felt like an outsider - or at least I would have. H stared at me quite a bit - perhaps curious where my deep tan came from since all we've gotten is rain. My shift in lacking response and engagement was confusing to him and the kids. Once dinner was over, I excused myself and headed out. D called me once she got home which tells me they left minutes after I excused myself.

I'm not carrying the conversations nor the emotional weight like I did. Someone else can step up.

I'm not the same person. I don't care to show warmth to H who walked out and then welcome him showing up for the good moments only to abandon all of us later. No more breadcrumbs. S still soaks up dad as long as dad offers some laughs. GF sees otherwise.

Mother's day was wonderful. S spent the day and night with me leading into Mother's day. We then had a big family dinner at my mom's with cousins and aunt/uncles, followed by a game of badminton. We were reminded that we're no longer teenagers but we still gave it all we could. We remain competitive and enjoy each other. So many laughs.

D's graduation and celebration was a success. I had the tickets and sent a group text to the 8 so that we knew when and where to meet. When I arrived, I shared hugs, kisses, warmth, laughs with everyone. Well almost everyone. I skipped right over H and his sister (SIL). They looked my way for their turn. Nope. H tried to engage in surface level dialogue a couple of times through the ceremony and I either ignored him (as if I didn't hear him) or provided a short answer while looking straight ahead - no eye contact. H would look my way to see if I would connect with him. Nope. H then asked a question and I stared at him for a bit and then mustered up a few words, "Because I do." H was not happy based on his response with a huff. I simply have no interest in H's part-time family manners. I knew that once I learned about a PA, things would not be the same. I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H. It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

Originally Posted by DnJ
There is no magic bullet here. No well crafted words to shake their crisis’ fierce grip upon their soul. The best the LBS can be is a lighthouse. Shine. Illuminate the rocks. Stand tall and strong against the storm. And live and love our life. It’s up to the captain of that lost ship as to their course.

H's mask and stories aren't going to hold ground forever. Not my concern. SIL is 'not getting involved' as she doesn't 'want to lose' her brother. Then carry on SIL....without me. She was so stunned. SIL didn't eat or drink a thing at the grad party - not like her. After 30+ years, I expected more from her, even if she's equally avoidant. I no longer rationalize being present with humans/family who can't show up for me.

As for me, I ate, drank, danced and shared my vibrant self at the party. Looking back through the pictures confirms that I'm so blessed.

Focusing on myself has never been my strong suit. It never felt right, healthy, kind. I know I'm worthy. So, then why don't I put myself first in thoughts, considerations, choices? I see now that I've lived a life for others from a very young age. I would have continued down this path and been perfectly content. I'm aware that I don't choose for myself, and still I'm comfortable. There is not much that I am strongly opiniated about to make a choice for myself. Burgers or steak? I'll enjoy both. Movie theater or Netflix? I'll enjoy both.

I'm grateful for no longer fully carrying the emotional weight of the family. I'm better. Not perfect.

I still get triggered when I feel unseen, unheard, not understood. I catch myself and talk myself through it. I feel this most with mom, dad and kids. Working on being more grounded. More centered. Drinking STFU smoothies and processing it all.

Feeling second best is my narrative when the call doesn't come in. When I invite but am told they've made other plans even though we had tentative plans, I feel it. Working on this too.

Originally Posted by DnJ
MLCer H is in torment. He does not, cannot, believe in himself. Or anyone. He is emotionally thrashing about, brooding, depressed, sad, lost. The big problem is that poor crisis kid believes they are unworthy. Believes. Fully. And they have to undo the decades of believing that.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Your marriage stands the best chance if you let him go. Loosen your grip on him that you've been unknowingly tightening over the years by doing so much for him. Yes - he may not choose you - and that is fvcking terrifying and heartbreaking. But if he does... he will do so because HE feels he's ready. Because he's confident again. Because he can see that you believe in him again.

You can't just say the words. You have to show him in your actions. And a big way is to stop being so "helpful", It's time to stop hiding behind that. It's time you see it as a more complicated answer. Yes.. part of it is from a loving place. But part of it is from another place too. Google "HFC" and "Too Much" and see if any of it rings true for you.

I've done some reading. I've looked into HFC and Too Much. I've read some attachment theory articles and the impact on one's life. It's helped in dropping the rose glasses. Managing H's emotional immaturity was exhausting. More exhausting than I ever realized. I chased and was left empty many times. It only made me chase harder and love harder. This wasn't healthy and I have no plans to return to such a dance. I choose me.

Still....

I feel cold when I don't provide warmth to all. I feel sad, disappointed. I feel many things...even sorry for H. Love (for H) doesn't seem to surface. It's either on a shelf or in the dumpster. I can't tell. I still cycle between wanting to file and holding space. "I don't have to decide today" is repeated to myself often.

The kids are confused. From time to time, they appear upset with me for changing the comfort of family engagements. Mostly confused. I haven't confessed about the affair but I surmise they may know/assume more than I've told them. My obvious shift may tell the story. Both of them engaged with dad at all the events as if nothing happened. I no longer care to.

Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable. This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.

I'll be visiting with my nephew later for prom pictures and then enjoying a dinner with brother and mom. Graduation and grad party next weekend. So proud of him and looking forward to celebrating him.

D is moving home next month. While excited, I have mixed feelings. I've lived alone for 1.5 years. She's lived outside the home for 4 years. There will be an adjustment.

I have some summer plans coming together. S and D want me to go with them to cousin's wedding overseas. Cousin was my flower girl and biologically H's cousin. Bride's parents and even other family members on H's side are begging me to go. Literally begging and convincing me. Most of H's family sides with me and isn't afraid to say it. SIL is the only one I asked to get involved with H - she agreed to but certainly hasn't done a thing. Actions over words.

House keeps me quite busy especially now with the outdoor tasks needing attention. I hired H's nephew to mow the lawn (SIL's son). He's learning how to use our tools and we're maintaining a relationship. I was invited to his graduation and graduation party. I'll likely attend the graduation with D (she's uneasy about going without me), but likely won't go to party next month. The collateral damage is devastating and the hardest thing that I continue to process.

Valeska and DnJ - I will continue to thank you for responding. I read and read and read your responses. It takes a couple reads for me to grasp it all. Applying boundaries continues to feel horrible. It makes me question my Christianity. I'll keep working at it.