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Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I’m glad to see you’ve read DR from MWD. Lots of good advice in that book!
First off, yes I believe there is hope for your situation.
H only drop the bomb a month ago. And you are correct, his issues and unspoken concerns, pains, complaints, etc have been going on for much longer. Do realize, it’s his issues, pains, concerns, complaints, etc. Do not take on ownership for his stuff.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Certainly own, and clean up, your side of the street. Which it sounds like you are doing. It will take time for H to believe in your positive changes, and that they aren’t some ploy to win him back. So ensure any changes you enact are for you. That way those new and improved behaviours will become permanent, because you did them for you.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting.
You’ve told him this, now leave it alone. H needs to feel the loss before he may start to turn back.
You sitting around waiting for him allows H to stagnate in place. A spouse will make less forward progress when their partner is sitting on the shelf at home pinning away. Focus on you. Get a life (GAL). Let go. Detach. Be pressure-free. Have no R-talks.
I know that seems counterintuitive. Sounds wrong. Such is Divorce Busting. It is counterintuitive, until you figure it out.
Begging, pleading, pressure, all that just pushes them out the door faster. Focus on yourself. Live and love your life. Let H feel a bit of the reality of that divorce fantasy life he has built up in his mind.
To be clear, that doesn’t mean go out dating. Or ignoring him. You be kind and cordial. You don’t jump to his every whim and want. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Like I said, it’s been a month. This takes time. So if you don’t focus on you, it’s going to feel a heck of a lot longer.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I am positive he's not having an affair.
It is staggering how many have affairs. In fact, I cannot recall a single situations where there was not an affair.
I’m not saying that to be mean, or dash your hopes, or anything like that. Just sincere honest straightforwardness. Also, affairs mean nothing. There are built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation for a relationship. That kind of an illicit foundation is akin to building in sand, it requires incredible energies to maintain the relationship.
I also tell you this for your health. You definitely do not want an STD. If you choose to have sex, use protection.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
The topic of having sex. The usual suggestion is no cake eating. H has announced and is still adamant of wanting a divorce. Why are you sleeping with him? Let him feel the loss.
And do not fear that doing so will push him to someone else. That is a pretty normal fear for a LBS. And a normal narrative/justification/blame from the spouse.
Of course, it does sound like your sex life was lacking. However, that is not the only item on H’s list of “reasons”. I’d likely pull back, and tell him why. That you aren’t going to sleep with someone looking to leave.
H will like push back. Blame, justify, rewrite history, and so on. Let him. You know better.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested.
A midlife crisis is a horrible consuming time. Long ago unrecognized unrealized unreconciled buried trauma(s) burst forth and consume them. MLC is nothing like what Hollywood portrays. It is not a guy buying a red sports car and getting a girlfriend. A true crisis rips the person’s soul asunder.
A crisis cannot be stopped. Once started the person must finish it. One can be delayed, but the crisis will not be stalled for long, and when it resumes it will be far worse than before.
A crisis has nothing to do with you. It is about long ago childhood trauma(s) from a person in a position of authority. The very person who is suppose to protect them. The youngster is far too immature to deal with happens to them, so they do the only thing they can, they bury it.
Kids are egocentric, the world revolves around them. Abuse, sexual assault, etc. the youngster blames themselves. To them, it’s their fault. And they cannot handle that! So they bury and deny it. A perfectly normal response from their young psyche; for trying to face things would have destroyed them.
That is the seeds of a crisis. Horrible dark deeds/seeds.
Cue midlife. Marriage, work, kids, mortality, life’s accomplishments, life’s regrets, and so on. All come to the fore. Everyone feels this time. For most folks it is a midlife transition. And sadly, for some folks it does not go smoothly. Still, it is a transition from one stage of life to the next.
What sets midlife’s stage apart from the other ones - childhood, adolescence, golden years - is one cannot bury things. All one’s skeletons, known and hidden, come out and want their say. Long ago demons will not remain silent any longer.
A crisis happens when one has hidden demons and poor coping skills. Those long ago seeds emotionally stunted the MLCer and they need to revisit their past and grow up from then.
Realize they need to. They are driven to.
I had no idea of what MLC was until my XW blew apart her life. I only saw it as that comedic Hollywood version. True MLC is near unbelievable. In fact, most people who have not seen it cannot believe in it. That’s not a slight at anyone. It is a normal protection of their psyche.
For a crisis lurks unknown. Waiting to drag and consume. Had long ago forgotten events of my childhood been different, I would be in crisis and not XW. To accept that. To see and accept the fragility of the mind and the lurking possibly that you too could succumb. People’s protective mechanisms spring up. Like I said, I’ve been there.
I knew my XW for 31 years, married 26, four kids, big country house, big yard, and wonderful life. She dropped the bomb during thanksgiving supper in front of the kids and my parents. Seven shocked witnesses to the absolute destruction of her life. “DnJ, you get the house, cars, and kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”
Following her grand announcement, a mere three hours later, her grand exodus. She left with OM - my neighbour - who was waiting at the end of the lane to pick her up. The bedlam, the shock, the absolute flabbergastness of it all. No one saw this coming.
True, my XW is on the nuclear end of the crisis spectrum.
A loving Mom of four. A vibrant woman who ran a daycare in our home. Was consumed!
She threw away her children like they were old clothes.
Now, eight years have passed. XW is still running with the unicorns and fairies. She is gaunt, unhealthy, sad, depressed. She is still with OM. She has not rekindled with her children. Instead, she blames them.
She is truly a lost soul.
MLC is horrible.
I pray your H is experiencing a midlife transition.
Either way, your path is the same. Focus on you. Be kind and compassionate. Live and love your life. Become the best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave.
I’d also suggest ceasing suggesting to H to go to counselling. That is pressure. And to him, nothing is wrong. Especially if he is in crisis, as his broken psyche cannot blame himself. That is some of the underpinnings of why they blame the LBS and write a narrative; for they cannot handle fault or blame. They truly cannot.
