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One of the most noticeable changes I noticed while taking a step back is H has really kicked up his parenting game . Not that he was a complete bum as a parent but a lot fell on me . H now spends the majority of his free time off from work with all the children . Which the kids are enjoying very much . They are enrolled in some after school activities a few days a week and the weekends tend now to revolve around what H has planned for the kids . I had to kick in a bit of money for the activities he enrolled them in but anything for the kids . I still have not remixed our finances and do not plan on it anytime soon . I have to get ahead of the game and plan stuff for the kids now ! Which never was the case . I have a day planned for me and just a few of the kids . Weather has been really nice so we are going to spend the day over weekend riding rollercoasters . I can already feel my back being out of whack for the next week .
Last year there was a lot of talk from H that he felt the kids did not need him anymore or they did not want to be around him . H is right they did not want his chaos around and clung to me for stability. They still do . I get at least on a weekly basis can you remind daddy we have this tonight or that . He hasn’t forgot or not followed through but it’s still a fear of theirs . Now looking back I realize this was an excuse to just bail and justify A. It’s sad to see because over time H is realizing he lost a few years there with the kids . It’s very clear if we go somewhere they do not call him they still call or text me . Something as simple as we needed to run to certify mail something . I get the text while standing next to him asking when I’ll be home . They so darn cute though . A lot of times it’s just a check in and they want to tell me they love me . They call me when they are out with H and then when they are on their way home . They don’t do that when they are out alone with me . Rarely call or text him . A lot of crying continues on his end . It’s awful honestly . But sometimes in life we make poor choices as much as I have empathy he did this not me . I can listen but he also does not get a pass on this .
As far a me . I over the last few months gave up alcohol. Not that I had a problem but right now I don’t need anything that can play on emotions or balance . Been working out 4- 5 days a week not for weight loss I’m already quite thin but just for better health . H has been joining me for workouts he likes that stuff so I allow it . Also gives him a feeling of purpose I think . Even though he’s preaching to the choir with my job and back ground when it comes to health . Completely changed my diet . Going well I must say - minus this darn insomnia I’ve been dealing with for months . Can’t seem to get a grip on it . This I know is from trauma over the last year or so . I struggled with insomnia during the pandemic and for a solid year or more after . Takes time for your brain to readjust to not being in fight or flight mode . New semester starts soon for school . Almost to the finish line .
I always like to throw in a good laugh for you guys . When I started working out I bought a lot of home stuff . I work from home most days and have a good solid hour lunch break so easy to get in a work out . H suggested I try out his gym . One of those you bring a friend for free things . So I went . I like the going but it’s too big for me . Noisy and crowded not my style . I noticed within about 2 weeks it became a bit of a struggle . Some days he didn’t want to go which is fine but I had planned on going in evening with him . Kinda hard to do the stuff when kids are home . I am very keen to power struggles now . I get one whiff and I shut it down . Trust me I am not going to work around you dilly dallying because I’m your free guest . So one afternoon he dragged his feet , called me and said I want to go now (he was coming home from work ) I got in car . I could just tell his vibe was off . He didn’t want to go but now feels obligated . Look the $50 a month on a gym membership is not gonna make or break me . So we walk up to gym he’s all wrong . I said if you didn’t want to go just speak up don’t drag it out . I walked back to car and said take me home . Went home . Weather was nice . Worked out outside . Next day joined my own gym , smaller and quieter more my style . Take a guess who is now my free guest ? Yup . Guess how many times I’ve been back to his gym . Yup . Zero . I have just a slight feeling my free guest wants to make sure I’m not going alone and I end up running off with another free guest .
