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And yet - this is really good opportunity for you to see this dysfunctional dynamic you have - lead and follow.
Until I journaled it, the concept of 'H follows my lead' hadn't been a thought. And then you not only caught it, but highlighted it. Is this typical? Bc they've lost themselves and have just lived someone else's life, dreams, goals?
It seems a bit more complicated than that. Here are my thoughts from the bleacher seats.
It seems you and H are opposites. You seem like a "take charge" lady. On top of the bills, have the better job. Take care of the house. Total high functioner.
Your husband seems more chill.
Probably why you two were attracted to each other. You each posses traits the others wish they had more of. You probably push him. He probably relaxes you.
This dynamic works fine as long as the balance stays. But when it becomes unbalanced - cracks turn to chasms and things happen. Like the parent-child dynamic. The over/under functioner dynamic. Resentment for the one always doing most of the work. The need to rebel from the one being told to do more work. And the list continues.
You don't necessarily describe your H as someone who as always taken charge. In fact - you say that he often follows you. As you said - you take care of the bills, take the lead on the taxes..etc.
So from my perspective - it looks like your opposite attraction turned into an unbalanced relationship. And when that happens... BOTH people loose themselves to some degree.
If you are always telling H what could be beneficial to him, Where does he get the space to figure out his own answers on what's best for him?
If you are always swooping in to save him, how does he know he is confident to save himself?
Please do not take this as this is your fault. It is not. He is a grown man who is 100% responsible for his choices and processing his own feelings.
AND yet - when there is a dance... it's easier to follow when the steps are given to you. And yet - there is a part we all play.
So many people dodge this question on this board. We automatically go to MLC, previous trauma... etc. But what we fail to realize is that only addresses the coping strategy used to "deal with" whatever happened. We forget that something happened that caused them to use that unhealthy coping mechanism. So even if they learn better coping tools, the problem may still exist. Sometimes that is external. A family death. A traumatic event. Sometimes though... it is the marriage breaking down. Sometimes it is a dynamic that is no longer working.
Your marriage stands the best chance if you let him go. Loosen your grip on him that you've been unknowingly tightening over the years by doing so much for him. Yes - he may not choose you - and that is fvcking terrifying and heartbreaking. But if he does... he will do so because HE feels he's ready. Because he's confident again. Because he can see that you believe in him again.
You can't just say the words. You have to show him in your actions. And a big way is to stop being so "helpful", It's time to stop hiding behind that. It's time you see it as a more complicated answer. Yes.. part of it is from a loving place. But part of it is from another place too. Google "HFC" and "Too Much" and see if any of it rings true for you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska19
He gives you the lead because he is too uncomfortable to take it - really. That's probably what the acting out is. False leading, false masculinity... that is much easier than taking responsibility and accountability. He's confused on who to be, how to be... and MG - there is not a d@mn thing you can do about it.
It's unfathomable for me to think that H living in a world of hurt for this long is chosen over making a change. When your actions bring this much loss and pain, how foggy are things that you can't open your eyes to a better path. Whether it's a path with or without me. I'm not expecting a specific outcome. But I will say, if stopping over for a couple hours brings H to experience warmth and love, how do you not flock to that world as a way to run from your current choices? How his logical so far removed from his brain?
I heard this in a book I'm reading and it's profoundly true. Paraphrasing of course.
Who are you to say that your H isn't exactly in the place he is needed to be in so he can learn this lesson. Perhaps it will lead to a final healing. Perhaps not.
Either way... you are not God... so who are you to say what lessons he needs to learn when.
And Finally leaving you with one of my favorite quotes.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.” - Pema Chodron
Focus on yourself. On why you choose to avoid your why you own hardships, demons, traumas, etc.
It will take you alot farther than you continually trying to understand his.
