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I was calm. No yelling, complaining or anything like that. He was probably surprised.
Good for you!
Be a grey rock when dealing with him.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
He also mentioned how much anxiety this is causing him. I don’t remember what I said but tried to emphasize. Any recommendations there? I didn’t want to say sorry to hear that. He’s causing his own anxiety. (Which I recently found out he’s been struggling with for awhile, never told me).
It’s ok to let his statements go without comment. There was no question that needed answering.
H is not acting like a husband, doesn’t want to be part of things with you, so he loses you as an emotional support person. He needs to feel the loss.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Also wants to have a consult with a mediation lawyer next week.
Be business-like.
I’m not a fan of this idea of some nicey nice mediation process. Separation/divorce rips apart families and the martial union. Society and the legal system has become frighteningly efficient and effective at divorce. Ensure you don’t get swept along in this misguided hurried effort.
Personally, I’d have my lawyer just respond to my spouse’s lawyers written terms. Negotiating back and forth until a settlement is reached. Really don’t need a third party mediator as the law is pretty clear. Basically everything is 50/50. That is the starting point. Going forward from there most things are able to be negotiated or even waived, aside from a few mandatory items.
Mediation hides the carnage and pain the leaving spouse is causing. It allows them to sidestep their feelings of being the bad guy. Provides a layer of insulation for accountability and responsibility. They can fall back on “well, you were there, and this is what we came up with”.
There is no “we” here. You don’t want a divorce. You are getting dragged along. So, let H do the heavy lifting! “H, I’m not going to mediation. Have your lawyer send my lawyer your signed written proposal and I’ll review it. If it is acceptable, I’ll sign.”
The long and short of it: You cannot stop a divorce. If H wants out, he can.
However, you can control what you do. What process you’ll follow. Make H craft a fair reasonable (or better) settlement and send it to your lawyer.
People do tend to get panicked when lawyers get involved. The truth, lawyers are going to need to get involved at some point. I think of my L as who he is: A legal expert. Someone who knows the law.
I’m fairly intelligent. Yet, during my divorce I was a mess. I’d have likely made some bad deals if I’d not had my L. Also, the myriad of legal items and rights and such with undoing a marriage was astounding. Seriously, there were over a dozen items I’d never even heard of.
An example, homestead act. This gives each partner a life time estate in the marital home (the homestead). It’s for protection of the family and the spouse. They cannot be evicted, even if the house is solely owned by the other partner. You can see how this right needs to be waived during a divorce if one is buying the other out. If they won’t waive, then the house has to be sold and proceeds split. And if you miss getting this waived, it prevents future sale as the ex-spouse has rights to the homestead. That would be a bad position to get one’s self into.
As an aside, that is the position OM has likely gotten himself into. (They are considered common law married.) XW cannot be evicted from his home. Ever. If OM were to die, his son would inherit the home. And not be able to sell it as XW is protected to live there for as long as she wishes to.
These legal minefields exist. In this particular case, a “before they move in” cohabitation agreement is needed, or rental agreement. A written documented account. I found this out, when I was asking my L, what if XW wanted to come back. How would I protect myself. Cohabitation agreement.
Anyhow, that’s just one of many worms in the can of worms.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I still feel like I’m doing all the wrong things. Giving space, only bring up D stuff, only talking when he brings stuff up. Not getting emotional…in front of him.
Yes, it is counterintuitive and will feel wrong for a while. You are doing well. Stick to the path.
Now, I cannot guarantee DB will save your marriage. However, it will save you! And DB, IMHO, gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.
