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H knows I love him - that is true. Want him back? Want family back and intact? Not so sure. I haven't shared this with him in well over a year. And last weekend's "Our marriage is dead" comment may have actually told him otherwise. I'm open to your challenge here and am curious if you can? Could H actually believe that I want him back?
I think the way you stated your question is accurate and highlights H’s turmoil.
You’ve told H you love him. Treated him kindly. And so on. H knows this.
Does he feel it?
Does he believe it?
Knowing something is different than believing it.
Consider the four paths/cars: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. H’s cars are all over the place. And for most times his emotions are the primary focus. Depression is ever present.
The running behaviours are physical activities to try to quiet or quell that ceaseless pain and torment. For a spell, “running” does work. Albeit temporary, and with a high cost and collateral damage.
Also, there is the time travel. Teenager H is usually in control. That man child who was into edibles, got a tattoo, stayed out with friends drinking late into the night, carried two phones, driving and listening to music for hours on end, and so on.
H, the husband, is trapped inside. He doesn’t get seen very often. The crisis child doesn’t relinquished control. He, younger crisis H, has stayed silent and hidden, and will be no longer.
MLCer H knows everything H knows. MLCer H knows H is married, has a wonderful wife, has a son and a daughter, and so on. Yet, he doesn’t feel it. The teenage version of H wasn’t/isn’t married, nor has kids, etc.
Twisting that up even more, is of course the crisis. The unresolved unrecognized long ago trauma(s).
Does he (H and/or MLCer H) believe it?
Belief is an interesting state. There are components of both intellect and emotion. Both are together and pulling in the same direction. One can still intellectually debate or challenge their beliefs; for what good are beliefs/values/convictions if they cannot withstand scrutiny. Yet beliefs go beyond the sum of their intellectual and emotional parts. Far beyond. Well founded beliefs become life’s headings and instil and influence thoughts and feelings and physical actions.
MLCer H is in torment. He does not, cannot, believe in himself. Or anyone. He is emotionally thrashing about, brooding, depressed, sad, lost. The big problem is that poor crisis kid believes they are unworthy. Believes. Fully. And they have to undo the decades of believing that.
Alas, that is beyond our power. Nothing we do or say matters. And yet, everything we do or say does.
There is no magic bullet here. No well crafted words to shake their crisis’ fierce grip upon their soul. The best the LBS can be is a lighthouse. Shine. Illuminate the rocks. Stand tall and strong against the storm. And live and love our life. It’s up to the captain of that lost ship as to their course.
Does he believe it? IMO, H does. MLCer H doesn’t, or can’t, for he is enveloped in his own crisis and pain.
It is this altering of MLCer H’s belief that is the exiting of the crisis, and finding acceptance. Basically, MLCer H would merge with H.
Originally Posted by MamaG
DnJ, I'm sorry you had to heal from betrayal to become the wise man you offer me today. Hugs
Thank you.
My life has been an interesting journey. It certainly took a sharp and unexpected turn eight years ago.
