If a specific post was interesting or useful to you, we recommend that you Like that post. It tells the post author, and others, that you found the information valuable. Clicking Like is another way to let others know that you enjoy it without leaving a comment.
Log in to join the conversation and Like this content.
Thanks for checking in Valeska19. Lots has happened. I knew this would be the case - lots of stuff in the first half of the year. Our lives are tethered. I predict you'll tell me that I'm engaging too much.
Perhaps. I have thoughts - they may surprise you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I find myself sitting silently often. Pondering. Considering the fork in the road. I've been growing and healing. Glasses are clear, yet can still get rosy. Leaving behind what should've been is hard. Staying in the marriage isn't always appealing. As suspected, knowing what I didn't want to believe broke me. Feeling every ache has made for tough weeks.
I feel myself withdrawing from everyone. I sit in silence a lot. Deep thoughts. Little action. I go to work. I see family. I got out. Still GALing but find myself crumbling more in the quiet return to home. Perhaps, a set back. It's not so much fear as it is sadness, emptiness, disbelief, betrayal, disgust, anger, confusion, pain. Heartbroken. Acceptance. When I'm out, I show up with a mask. I don't want to talk about it.
I agree with DNJ here. You are doing fine. Acceptance will eventually bring peace... but it the meantime - it's a complete b!tch. It's full of pain and sorrow, anger. Even the days when you beg for it not to be the case and other times where you wished you never loved H at all. It's really really hard. AND - I'm going to encourage you to reach out more for support. This is not something you should go through alone. It can help you be the woman you want to be in all this.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I was detached until our interactions increased. Seeing H is the hardest thing I do. I show up kind, caring, compassionate, helpful, secure, confident, detached. And then an immediate emotional crash as we part. My feelings toward him are different.
We've interacted twice since my last update.
Detachment is hard and a process...
Originally Posted by MamaG
.H pulls into the garage, walks up the stairs, pets the dogs and into the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. I can tell he feels naked without his band. My thoughts: worry not, both of us have removed the symbol of our love. Yup, that hurt. I expected it from him because he seems to follow my lead and always has. I took mine off last weekend, which means he now can.
This is a little-bit of mind reading on your part. You don't know how he feels.
And yet - this is really good opportunity for you to see this dysfunctional dynamic you have - lead and follow.
First - it creates a lose/lose situation for you in it's current frame. When you tell him you want him to stay - he doesn't do the work. When you accept his choices - he uses it as confirmation to leave and shift it onto "your actions and your fault".
He gives you the lead because he is too uncomfortable to take it - really. That's probably what the acting out is. False leading, false masculinity... that is much easier than taking responsibility and accountability. He's confused on who to be, how to be... and MG - there is not a d@mn thing you can do about it.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it You can't cure it.
So what do you do? You create a new and more functional dynamic. One that got lost over the years due to frustration, fear, survival, trauma, etc. etc. You hand the responsibility of your H back to him. That is in no way meaning you put your ring back on or don't move forward with accepting his decision. But below are some specific ways you could hand it back to him.
Originally Posted by MamaG
And he begins to share about his life. Asks me some questions. And I ask, are you happy?
H: yeah (with uncertainty). Well...happier. M: What? (in total confused tone) You aren't happy? H: With teary eyes he looks away. M: What's going on? Do you know where happy comes from? H: Yes, from within as he points to his heart. M: Then how can you not be happy? H: Still fighting tears, he shrugs his shoulders and says that some days he just is not happy. M: Talk to me. What's going on inside you? H: Can I have a tissue? M: I offer him a hug which he accepts quickly and pulls me in tightly.
M: Are you talking with anyone? Is anyone helping you? Anyone in the family helping you? H: No. M: Your family calls me all the time. They tell me they're worried about you. (Not sure how he took that.) H: H shrugs his shoulders with no words. M: Do you talk with God? H: No. Well, some days I do. M: You should consider talking to God daily. H: H nods but I can tell it's his people-pleasing skills coming throug0h.
I see the pain in both parties here. I want to acknowledge how hard it is to be sad and watch someone you love be sad too.
AND I'm going to remind you that this is not your work. Tell me I'm wrong when I say - you have had this conversation a million times before. Reminded him of his worth, what he means to you. How to help. Leading him on what you he can do. It has not lead to a lasting connection between you two.
Validate without fixing.
Stop saving him from himself. Stop giving him suggestions to make it better. Stop being that release value where he can express emotions without being the same for you in return.
Whatever fears you have around changing this behavior. It's time to confront.
He knows you love him. I promise he does. He's just not ready... and you have to be willing to allow him to experience ALL of his choices. Not because it will save your marriage (because it may very well not).. but because it is the LOVING thing for him.
And if he for some weird reason he doesn't know you love him - well you telling him won't change that either. His shame outweighs your voice of reason.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I then pulled away and told him, our marriage is broken. Our marriage is dead. You've done many things that warrant me hating you. Yet, I don't. I choose to love you because love is a choice. If you want help, what can I help with? In short, H wants to come to the house next weekend to talk. I suspect H won't talk, but if he does, I'll listen. It's been 6 months since he had some sort of awakening.
After reviewing the taxes, I told him, "While you didn't ask, I'm happy. I'm thriving. Life is great. I'd like to think that you would be happy by now." H got choked up. After some silence, I carried on. "Clearly, I took a different healing path. Would you be willing to try my approach?" He shrugged again and said, "Maybe".
No need to tell him how great or not great you are doing. Why? Because it doesn't move the needle. At this point - it just becomes fuel for his fire to stay confused or broken. Don't give it to him.
If you need to say anything due to being extremely emotional you can fall back on "I'm learning to accept your decisions about us. Some days are harder than others". That's your truth. And that's the reality of the situation. And that keeps the ball where it should be... in his court.
I do believe you setting up another conversation is you still in your old pattern. And yet sometimes I understand we need to keep speaking for our own sake. To help get us facing in the direction we need to go.
It's EXTREMELY hard work to allow our spouse to not choose us. That's what the begging, pleading, nagging, crying, helping, fixing is... a cry out for them to see us.. to choose us.
They may never do that in the end... but they certainly can't do it in the storm.
I recently re-read the lighthouse story because I find strength it in when I am struggling to fix an uncontrollable situation. The lighthouse doesn't go running into the storm. The lighthouse doesn't tell the ship how to steer. It doesn't dim it's lights or change it's lighting pattern to try and catch their attention (aka the negative and positive tactics we do to get our partner to see us). It's just there. Giving the captain the space to see if he wants to come home. And yet also accepting he can crash into the rocks should he choose.
A lighthouse doesn't have feelings but it's the same concept for us. Look deep within and break all of your previous patterns with your H. The saving, the fixing, being his release value from emotional pressure. Let him sit in all of his shame and negative thoughts. It's the only way he can make the decision to save himself... which when it comes to loving another... that's what we want for them right?
Stand firm that you love him but will neither do the work for him nor step in his way from what he currently chooses. And live that in every interaction you have with him.
