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I agree, folks who been through it, get it. On that note, there are many kind and compassionate folks here with much hard earned wisdom.
I see you’ve been reading DR and working on implementing the LRT. This is a good thing, H needs to feel what it will be like, is like, to lose you before he will consider changing his direction. He needs to feel the loss.
H is 53. The time of another life transition. We all traverse stages of life - childhood / adolescence / adulthood / golden years. The mid life stage can be quite problematic for some folks. This particular stage stirs up one’s past, one’s demons, like no other stage. And, unlike previous stages and transitions, one cannot “simply” rebury uncovered traumas and hurts. Mortality, family, work, responsibilities, lost youth, missed opportunities, regrets, and so on, all burst forth.
Most folks do manage to transit this time. It not easy, there is plenty of reconciling of one’s life to this point, their accolades, their regrets, and soul searching. Folks exit this transition peaceful or agitated. It depends on many past factors, how they’ve lived, and their coping skills.
For some people this midlife transition is a lot more difficult. They lash out a lot more than average. They struggle a lot. Still, eventually, they find their way. Usually with some destruction along the way.
And for the very unfortunate few, this time brings up such unrealized past torments and traumas, they enter a crisis. They get stuck and run from their past.
A full blown midlife crisis is a truly horrible thing. It is consuming. The poor soul engulfed in such is upon a terrible journey of trying to come to terms with long ago traumas from a person who was in a position of authority over their young self. Those horrific traumas were impossible for such an immature mind to grasp, so they buried them. The only defence mechanism available to the youngster. Unfortunately, things buried alive, come back to haunt.
A MLC unleashes significant damage and collateral damages. The MLCer runs and partakes in all manner of wild behaviours. They spend money, drink, do drugs, get fast cars, get tattoos, dress differently, start acting/talking like a teenager, and so on. They become a teen with a huge bank account. They toss aside responsibility and accountability. They become brash and bold, and about the worst teenager you can imagine. All in a foolish and fruitless effort to relive and regain their youth. To somehow have a do-over.
Realize, the seeds for a crisis are planted long ago. Long before you, their spouse, ever met them. The MLCer does not know the cause of their present day torment and turmoil. So much buried from their past. These folks are emotionally stunted from time of that trauma(s) and need to grow up from there/then. They have very poor coping skills and mechanism, all leading to this consuming emotional storm.
I pray your H is only having a difficult transition.
Be H having a difficult transition, or entering a crisis, only time will tell.
Be he a MLCer or WAH. Again, time will tell.
Your path, your journey is the same regardless. Focus on you. Give H lots of time and space. Let him feel what he needs to feel. He needs to hit rock bottom before he will change. Very few will change until the pain of not changing outweighs the pain of continuing along.
You suspect a EA or PA. It might be F, the band’s singer, or someone else. It is staggering how commonplace affairs are. Give it little notice. An affair means nothing. They are built upon lies and deceits; which makes a poor foundation for a relationship. It’s like trying to build on sand. Illicit relationships take enormous energies to maintain.
An affair is a band-aid for some deep personal defect. The cheater usually tries to blame the faithful spouse. Ignore any of that BS. It is pure gaslighting and projection. H is presently unable to blame himself and will incorrectly assign/project his faults upon you. He will rewrite your history and craft his narrative. Craft justifications for his course.
Again, you know better. Do not engage in his spew or his make believe. Do not take his bait. Focus on you.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
As soon as I think things are better they aren’t.
Oh yes. It crazy-making. Give him time and space. Focus on you and your daughters. Live and love your life, like H isn’t there.
H has told you he wants a divorce. And wants to hang around until June; until D is finished school. That’s pretty common for these folks.
Move him out of the master bedroom. Tell him, he is sleeping elsewhere. In the spare room, or on the couch in the basement. Does matter where, just not in the MB. Lots of spouses try to push the LBS out. Nope! H wants out of the marriage, he’s the one to leave the bedroom.
And no cake eating. No sex. Especially if you suspect an affair. These folks love to have their cake and eat it to. They really feel they can have the best of both worlds. Let reality slap him.
Stop doing his laundry. Or his dishes. Or his meals. Let him feel the consequences of his choices.
No arguing. No fighting. Just you focusing on you. You living your life. You moving forward.
Originally Posted by bkerchick
He doesn’t want to leave until June when our D(17) is done with school. She’s struggling with school and with her anxiety and ADD I’m really worried how she is going to deal with this. But he says oh don’t worry the kids will be fine. You just have to tell them the right way. Is it wrong that I want him to tell the kids with me in the room and he takes responsibility? He wants to make it sound like it’s both of us.
Of course he wants you to go along. He doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. And their idea that kids are resilient, is pure script. They all say that. Kids are pretty far down their list of cares and priorities. These folks are going to do what they’re going to do, regardless of who it hurts. They just like to believe their narrative.
So, definitely be in the room.
I’m a proponent of being open and honest with your kids. Tell them. Answer their questions. All age appropriately. Given your daughters are 17 and 19, your conversations will be much more candid and deeper than someone with kids of 5 and 7.
Those deeper and honest conversations will likely be only between you and your daughters, H will not be involved. Stick to facts. And do not demonize their Dad. It’s not your job to facilitate their relationship, your job is for you to not destroy it.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
The only thing we’ve fought about lately is his “expense” credit card that he is supposed to only use for work. I found that he’s been making multiple large payments a month to this card. He said he’s stop using it but I don’t know if that’s the case. I have no idea where this money is going. I think I’m going to drop it for now because it’s obviously a push.
H has told you he is wanting a D. You need to speak to a lawyer.
That doesn’t mean you are wanting a divorce. You are just gathering information. Learning your rights, responsibilities, and entitlements. Discovering the best case, worst case, and likely case scenarios if a D were to progress.
Keep a close eye on the finances. Some of these folks go off the rails and start spending lots of money. Be prepared and ready. If the time comes you need financial protection or security, get it! You’ve got lots of life left to live, and you have to be able to fund it.
You are on two paths. The emotional healing path, and the business path. Most of our talks here will be emotional healing and working towards detachment and acceptance and such. That’s the bulk of one’s work. That inner journey stuff.
The business side is the money and custody stuff. When dealing with business stuff, remain business-like. Treat this like a business deal gone sideways.
Your kids are adults, so no custody. That leaves only assets and debts.
Lots of LBS do not speak with an L, or look into the business side soon enough. Again, you are just looking into things before you are surprised or in some serious financial troubles. Gaining information and options. And information is power.
There is nothing wrong with you getting your own account and starting to deposit into it. Or removing yourself from the joint credit card. Stuff like that. Though, depending on your locale, it can still be considered martial debt. Hence, speaking with L. A legal expert that can shed light for you.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
You guys get it unlike a few friends. And I need to see this through your eyes. I first thought this was a MLC but now I’m wondering if WAH. I’m reading DR for the third time with that in mind. I don’t want my marriage to end.
(((Hugs)))
You will be ok. You’ve got time in all this.
Focusing on you. Finding detachment. The advice is quite counterintuitive. It feels wrong or against what we feel is the correct or default action to take. Have faith. And dig for patience.
