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I’ve been there, the desire to blast out new information. To feel validated.
The 24-48 hours is of course for you. It’s to give one that precious gift of time and reflection. To allow one to respond, if they so chose to, from a place of more logic and reason rather than raw emotions. A better honed truth dart.
In your case, your truth dart sounded spot on. Short and to the point. No swearing or blaming or such. Just factual and direct.
Such truth darts do sometimes dislodge these stuck folks. It might get H moving again. To what end, well it’s his path. Time will tell.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Today, I made an update that informed my H via an auto text (from the cell phone company) that the billing address has been updated. I've been paying for the 4 cell phones. Not anymore. He can pick up that tab now.
Dropped off the tax file without his house info. He can drop it off at the accountant's. I don't need to be the middle person.
Good.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by DnJ
Don’t tell the kids. And let H do the heavy lifting.
Will he ever? What will it look like if my kids find out from someone else? Or run into him? Their little hearts shouldn't have to endure that.
My statement was/is more for the right now.
Will H ever file for divorce? I don’t know. You are prepared in case he does. And divorce is always an option you can employ if you need to.
As for your adult kids. Whenever and whatever they bring up, definitely discuss with them. However, problems between you and H are just that - between you and H. No need to drag them into it.
Yes, it is likely that at some point the kids will find out about Dad’s affair. Heck, they might even know or suspect already. You tossed a truth dart allow some time for H do this heavy lifting with coming clean to the kids.
That being said, at some point I agree you should/would tell the kids. When is that point? When it is needed. When it serves. When it isn’t done out of retribution or retaliation.
Remember, it’s not your job to facilitate the relationship between Dad and his kids. It’s just your job to not destroy it.
I found most times my kids knew much more than I did about XW/Mom and her behaviour. It was very little of letting the cat out of the bag on my part, and much more affirming and confirming my kids’ feelings. That gentle steering.
Originally Posted by MamaG
At some point, his MLC behaviors outperform the good 'ole years. Is that where I am? I'll give it a week or two.
I’d not compare.
Their MLC behaviour does outperforms the good ‘ole years. They’re are a different person. An alien. Their present “self”, there is no way you’d even date them.
It’s ok to remember the immutable past, the good ‘ole days, fondly. (Don’t get lost going down memory lane though. That pitfall is more ensnaring for newbies.)
It’s ok to despise the present behaviour. This is area of forgiveness.
Focusing on you. Letting go. GAL. Are methods to keep one somewhat insulated from this current mess. The MLCer’s behaviours and actions and words are like acid and will eat away one’s love.
It’s a balance. Not living in denial. Not embroiled within their storm. Not riding the rollercoaster. Living and loving your life. Boundaries help.
Originally Posted by MamaG
This made me pause. In my mind, it is clear what I meant but as I reflect on the words, I really wasn't clear. Still, these are low expectations of a H and still, he couldn't come through.
As I remember, my words were and have been, "Have you done something that would put you in jail? Have you cheated on me? If not, then we'll figure it out."
I agree these are pretty standard expectations of a spouse.
The way you stated them, are more like expectations, like wants. There is no stated boundary here.
Remember a boundary is for you. It’s not a punishment or some tactic to get H to behave better. It’s a premeditated and predetermined method to extract you from situations you find intolerable.
“H, when you do (blank), I feel disrespected. If you disrespect me, I will (action).”
An example: When you swear at me it is disrespectful. If you swear I will leave the room and not speak with you.
A boundary on cheating is usually difficult for one to craft. I think we look for the consequence, our predetermined action, to somehow be equivalent to the transgression. We try to craft something to demonstrate just how serious it is. Of course, an action of “I will divorce you”, doesn’t give much wiggle room, nor what we really want.
Something along the lines of “while you are with OW, you are not with me” I think is more palatable. It also has an element of “we can figure it out, if/when you get your act together”.
H, while you are involved with OW, you are not involved with me. I will not speak with you, visit with you, nor have you over at my house.
And be rock solid on your boundary. (Pretty much the Last Resort Technique.)
This places the ball squarely in H’s court. It’s on him. You are focusing solely on you and the kids. Letting go. Moving forward. Figuring out why and what you stand for.
I don’t think this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I think it’s the straw that uncovers just how strong you are, and what your foundations/convictions truly are.
