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You are not a doormat. A doormat just lays there and gets walked on. You are not doing that!
Originally Posted by LetsHope
My H now that he’s started contacting the attorneys suddenly wants to just be friends with me. He’s texting me throughout the day as we always would just a little less frequently, he’s calling me and asking me if he should pick up dinner and just being nicer than he was when we were “trying” to work on the marriage.
It’s so confusing, isn’t it?
H’s sudden change to friendly behaviour is because he feels less pressure/threatened. Believe me, if/when things don’t go his way H can/will lash out.
These spouses feel positive from their “taking control”. They’ve sought a L and are pushing the divorce button. They’ve got a weird idea/plan of a nice mess-free zipless divorce. All unicorns and rainbows. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening. Divorce is a messy horrible thing.
Along with their feeling positive and in control, the spouse also feels guilt, shame, regret, and such. Their seemingly friendly behaviour is also them trying to assuage their guilty emotions. Interestingly, some of them will offer or negotiate towards the LBS’ favour when splitting things up. This only lasts for a little while, eventually their guilt is buried and they are less willing to give up (custody, money, items) to try to make themselves feel better.
To note, some do try to coerce or bamboozle the LBS by being friendly. A shady attempt to get the LBS to agree to a lop sided unfair settlement. Never sign or agree to anything until your lawyer has had a good look at it.
Lots of wild and conflicting things going on inside these spouse’s heads. All active and simultaneously pushing and pulling them. Imagine having all that swirling around along with past traumas, justifications, projections, disingenuous behaviour, lies, cheating, and so on. Oh, their minds are a bag of cats! No wonder we get confused when looking at their behaviours/words.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
I don’t know how to handle this…
Continue to focus on you. GAL. Not be a doormat!
Yes, be pressure-free, kind and cordial, keep conversations short, and employ the 24-48 hour rule when possible. And leave H to his path. You cannot control him, only yourself.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
Why does he get all the best of me while he’s just throwing me away?
H is not “getting” the best of you. He is not obtaining you.
You are simply being your best self. Walking the higher path.
All of which is for you. It does not, and will not, serve you to sink to a low level and purposefully treat H poorly. Remember, you are focusing on you. Being your best self all the time, for you. During those few times you need to deal with H, stand tall and continue to be that you.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
My brain is a mess…
Perfectly fine. Perfectly normal.
Be patience and stick to the path. The quickest way through the brambles and bog is a straight line. Follow your headings. Focus on you. Detachment will come. Peace will come.
