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First off thank you both for chiming in . Much love to both of you .
Valeska - do I think I have been through enough . Absolutely! Where I tend to have the most regret during this entire 5 year span is if I was going to throw in the towel , I should have done it at least a year ago . To throw it in now when the kids have finally found some peace and have two very equal parents would just be too much for me to stomach . The home is calm almost too peaceful . When it comes to realizing where I am . I’m pretty solid. I don’t think I posted it but I did do some reading and found it takes a solid 12 months to really process the trauma before you have some type of clarity . So when I say I’m sitting back that is more my way of just seeing how I feel over time . I do agree with H not initiating. Sometimes I do think he takes my silence as everything is just fine and dandy. A habit I was part of making , just ignoring his piss poor treatment of me and the kids for years . I’m also aware I’m very guarded and it’s hard to even feel a little bit safe to talk about things , so I don’t .
DNJ- Oh the judgement and fear . I’ve asked a few times for access to an account . Got shot down . I waited and asked again . He gave it . Immediately after I was met with - I am so sorry I did this to us . I’ll answer any questions you have about all the charges . I love you . Take whatever time you need . Oh boy !!! Yes I looked through it . It’s as bad as one could imagine. But because of this site I took a different path . I didn’t loose it on him or throw him out . I know it’s hard on the other end for H . I just couldn’t even imagine handing over years of records of betrayal to my spouse but he did . Makes my stomach turn to think of hurting someone like this . As much as we don’t want to give the MLC too much credit I know this one took some courage . He phoned me later in day expecting a good old fashioned tongue lashing . His voice sounded scared for his life . I think he told me he loved me 8 times in the span of 5 mins . I didn’t even address the money just said thank you for sending what I asked . H does talk about this huge fear that I am just going to leave him . I almost feel like he walks on egg shells sometimes . Over the weekend he caught up by phone with one of his buddies . One of the more solid buddies I will say . He randomly said he was thinking about going to see him for a few hours . I honestly thought nothing of it . The man has gone no where for months . He’s annoying me! So I kept on playing with one of the kids . Next thing I know he’s over by me apologizing saying if it’s going to upset me he won’t go . I looked at him baffled and said you are not a prisoner here . You can have normal friendships and see your friends . I expect you to never put me in a bad situation again . You are responsible for your choices . Not that I trust him but I’m also not about to have a H who feels like a prisoner (that’s just a recipe for disaster). It had a good effect on him . He called 3 times to check in . I answered only once . I was busy doing my own thing . But he came home actually really happy to see me . He said he had a great time and that was that .I think just giving him that tiny bit of trust was good for him . Plus he was out of my hair for a few hours. I don’t know about a lighthouse , I’m too skinny , more like a flagpole . But I’m definitely not about to be a ward of a prison 😀.
