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M: Thanks.
H: I coming to get my coat. I have 30 minutes and am leaving for my trip.
M: Oh, I didn't know when you were going.
H: I told you I was going in Jan. (I stared at him in confusion. Exactly how was I to know when he was leaving? I digress.)
M: Your belongings are all down here. I told you I packed your stuff up in July. Remember? (Walking him to the space where his boxes are.)
H: (He has no words. His eyes land on a pile of boxes all neatly stacked in several piles.)
M: It's in there somewhere. Do you ever plan to come get your things?
H: Yes, I will.

H is holding back words and emotions while hiding behind a poker face, a mask. It was hard to tell what was running through his head. I just stared back at him.

H: It's alright. I don't need it.

H walks out of the space and towards the garage. Standing at the door, he looks back at me. I stare at him with no words. I feel myself melting. I wasn't prepared for this interaction and I know he's off to a trip on waters. Running through my head is the anxious attacher that remains to be healed.

H: What?
M: Nothing.
H: Bye

His stare and word felt so cold and emotionless. Possibly due to awareness of his reality that his past sits in boxes in the basement.

M: Can I have a hug? That is, if you want one too.
H: Yes, I'd like one and he walks over and embraces me.

I feel tightness and warmth. I melt again. Loving every second and feeling relief. My head is racing as I know this isn't DBing yet I felt the intensity and carry on.

M: Alright, you gotta go. Have fun and please be careful. Can I ask you to let me know that you've arrived safely?
H: Yes. What happened to your upper lip?
M: Long story.

After a bit of just looking at each other, I said, "It needs a boo-boo kiss."

What in the whole world am I doing? Am I testing him? This isn't DBing! Yet, it felt so right. And this makes sense since DBing is still counterintuitive. Temptation? Who knows.

For me, it was wonderful to see and connect with my long lost husband whom I miss dearly. Even if the connection was only 1-way and it was with the alien.

Without hesitation H comes over and kisses me. H was gentle and passionate. Not the teenager behavior from just a year ago. It was different than what I've felt. Clearly, I know that this is temporary but even temporary was welcomed. Have I mentioned how much I miss my H?

While he turns the other way, my eyes glance at the wedding band he's sporting on this 2 week vacation with 10+ people, including his HS friend and EA. While I can't say why H continues to sport his band, I realize that he's wearing it despite not thinking I would be home when he stopped in.

At this point, I realize that I may be erasing DBing measures I've worked so hard for. I'm questioning if I'm going back on some unspoken boundaries? Contradicting how I've behaved? I did a 180 reverting back to the wife he recognizes. Was it a reminder he needed? Certainly, I know better. It was so confusing and it all happened so fast.

I'm left hoping that IF I've erased any progress, there is a chance that I've reminded him of what true love is. What emotional connection really feels like. And, that I am safe. It was clear at this point that it was us back in the day even if just for a few minutes.

I held his face in my hands. We gazed into each other's eyes (which has become a thing...a thing I fight and he pursues.) Staring into his eyes, I calmly whispered a reminder that I'm his wife and he knows my boundaries. He confirmed with a soft, "I know. I won't do anything stupid."

Yes, I'm aware that this won't stop H from doing what he may or may not do. Yet, teenagers need reminders and so I sent the message. H nodded and swore that there isn't anything physical going on. (I know MLCers lie and I don't have any confidence that the EA is/isn't a PA. When he confirmed that there is nothing going on, I listened. I neither challenged nor celebrated.)

H kissed me again. I told him I love him and with certainty in his voice, H told me he loves me. H then proceeded to accelerate physical intimacy and without hesitation, I pulled back. I told him to have fun and he was off. "I don't do hit 'n runs.'

Since there is nothing I can do to help or hurt the process, the exchange was worth it to me in the moment. The impact this interaction has on his trip? Who knows. I'll look for his actions upon his return and expect no change. I'll return to NC unless it's business.